University with MH issues and ASD, need some advice

[DrPeppersPhD]

Some of you on the board might remember me from some other threads. Prepare for a very long OP, but I'll try not to waffle.
Some context before we begin, my mental health has never exactly been stellar. I've had depression as long as I can remember, severe from 11 to 14, suicidal from 12 to 16, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts, periods of starving, then binging and purging, you get the picture. These always get worse around Christmas, but this year they've been way more severe than these rough patches usually are, and it's happened way faster than normal. I'm ashamed to say I've started cutting again, and I've found myself feeling like I need to purge after eating. My anxiety has also gone through the roof, as have my depressive "spirals" (vicious cycles of thought that get triggered by something random and end up with me crying for 4-5 hours going over the same thoughts in my head) and the insomnia. I can feel my understanding starting to slip as well, and I'm spending a lot of time convincing myself I even deserve my place, which is making my anxiety worse.
I don't think I can go to the GP, I know that's logically the place I need to go but I can't. I have a lecturer I think would listen and help as best he could, but I've seen a lot of him over the past couple of weeks and I don't want to seem overly clingy, particularly since I get very high grades in his class anyway. I also have teachers at my old school who I'm in touch with but I don't know how much they can do realistically. I also have a mentor, and an ASD advisor but I don't feel as though I could actually open up to them.
I'm sorry this isn't the most coherent post, I'd just really appreciate a hand hold and some advice.

Would you be able to write what you have written here to your tutor or ASD advisor in order to explain the situation in the first instance?

Hi, I remember you from the support thread for parents of 2018 school leavers.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Please try to go to the GP. You could make a list of the points above and take it with you, with a sentence at the top explaining that you find it very difficult to talk about. Hand the list to the GP when you go in.

I also suggest you email the same list of points to your personal tutor, copying in the disability services team at your university. The disability services team can also help with exam arrangements (my son has been told he can take exams in a smaller room, have breaks every hour and extra time).

If you have not already applied for DSA, the disability service can help you to do this. You should qualify on both criteria (ASD and long term MH condition). This can fund extra things you need to help you study (e.g. note taking software, printer, sessions with a specialist mentor).

But you must go and see your GP (motherly nagging mode).

As a lecturer, it's nice to be trusted enough that students open up to me; I'm glad I seem approachable. However, there's a difference between being nice and being able / knowledgeable enough to give the proper support that you need. Keep them informed, for good cause, alternative arrangements for exams, extensions etc - this is worth exploring if it takes some of the pressure off.

Does your university have a counselling service you could go to?

What kind of help do you think you need?

Oh sweetie. Hang in there, I think the transition to university can be very difficult for people with ASD. There is no shame in having tricky mental health patches at all. It's very common which is why universities set up welfare systems.

I think you do need to talk to your gp. Have you registered at your university town? You could also go to your university's welfare officer and they can help sign post or guide you through the university support system. This is something that your mentor could help with too. How well do you gel with them?

In terms of crisis management remember that the samaritans are not just for people who feel suicidal but they can be a sounding board whenever you feel like you've gone past coping point.

What has helped you get through difficult times in the past?

I have no experience but wanted to give you a big squishy hug and tell you to keep talking. Get those feelings out.

I think that you're doing really well to recognise that you need help. The start of term is tricky for lots of students, even those who have had no previous MH issues can start to suffer and that's why your university will have a student support service. I know that sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers rather than to people who know you but the professionals at your uni can help you in ways that random mums can't.

I would also say that impostor syndrome is so common that it has a name, the feeling that the uni made a mistake in giving you the place is really common in students (and people with new jobs) but it is your insecurity talking and it is a liar that lies.

If you can't open up to your mentor can you at least lead with "I'm really struggling at the moment" and see where that takes you. I know we run the scenario in our heads that they will say X and I'll say Y and they'll say Z but we don't get to write the script for others and really you don't know how that story will play out. You've identified that need to be talking to someone who can help you, I don't think it's a lecturer or someone from your old school, I think it needs to be someone from your current setting who sees lots of people who are feeling like you do.

I am not your mum but I could be. You can do this, you really can, and there are people who will help you but you have to ask. The benefit of their assistance is worth the difficulty of asking.

No advice to offer but I can offer a hand to hold.

I second all the advice to speak to someone about this. Whether that is your GP, a tutor who could point you in the right direction for support, or welfare services.

Writing it down and handing it to whoever you decide to speak to (try all of them?) Is really good advice. MH issues are incredibly common in students, particularly in this first term when everything is new and strange. You can get through this tough patch if you can manage to access the support you need. Reach out to someone who can help, please.

Have you spoken to your parents about it? They must know about your issues in previous years, they'll want to help if they can. Could they come to your uni and accompany you to the GP? Could you go home for a week or so for some parental support? Talk to your parents, even if you think you don't want to bother them. Speaking as a mum of a first year student, I would want to be bothered for this!!!! There is nothing more important than your health, whether that's mental or physical.

Wow! Thank you guys, sorry for not replying sooner, I've been reading for my essays so my phone's been off but I have kept an eye on the posts.
I know I do have to see a GP, and I have to be ballsy and just do it. I think I could if it were just the doctor, but when you ring up to make an appointment the receptionist asks what the appointment is about. I did try to make an appointment a few weeks ago when the insomnia started getting worse but I called too late and they said I'd have to call again the next day but I couldn't do it.
I agree that while I would find it easiest to talk to someone I'm comfortable with knowing, they're not the people who can give me the help I need. I get on ok with my mentor, but I don't think I could actually handle them knowing right now, and it would probably lead to me missing sessions which isn't going to end well for anyone. My advisor is also kind of hard to get hold of because you have to go through student support reception and I've had a couple of run ins with them so I'm not overkeen on that plan either. Even if I could get a hold of him, I don't know that I could properly talk to him about this, I know that's stupid but I really feel like I don't have anyone to turn to.
@MsAwesomeDragon
I know my parents would like to know, but I can't tell them. It's a combination of the usual anxiety of people knowing how "weak" I am (I know it's not weakness, but thats what I think they'll think, and to be honest that's how I feel), and, to be honest, there's a decent amount of spite there because a lot of their actions led to me getting this bad in the first place. I'm sorry, I know how awful that sounds but I don't think I could talk to them either, and I certainly couldn't ask them for help.

The fact that you know you need to speak to someone is a big step forward.

The advice the PP has given - write everything you're feeling down and hand it to whoever you speak to/see seems a good way of starting, but please ring your GP/or whoever you would feel more comfortable speaking to. Are there siblings/other family members apart from your parents who would be of help?

Ok, so brief update having just finished my first term.
I'm hanging in there, just about. I had a massive panic attack in class not long after I posted last, and that pushed me to go to the GP. I'm on ADs, a very low dose, and I think they might need to be upped, but I'm on them so small victories. I haven't noticed that much of a difference, and I've self harmed since but I also haven't wanted to since the last time so again, small victories.
I found out my coursework grade for one module though, 98% so I'm very happy! Deadlines are done for the holidays, so it's been up and down but I'm sticking with it.

Hi

I’m currently in my second year at university. Like you, I have ASD but mild depression and anxiety. To be completely honest with you, first year wasn’t the best. For about a week I felt like I made the wrong decision and that I’d gone too early, but I was encouraged to stick it out and see how I felt at Christmas. To this day, still so glad I did! My lectures made things so much more interesting and I got decent marks in my assignments and exams.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you’re doing amazingly well and you should be very proud of yourself for getting to this point. I’m not a mother, just here to provide some reassurance where it’s needed, if at all! Always here if you need to talk about anything