Daughter isn't going to university because of her weight?

[ChristianBlue]

Hello, my daughter did well in her A Levels (AAA) and got a place at Surrey which is where she wanted to go. However, she turned it down after deciding her weight would ruin it.

DD has been overweight since she was 13 and we have all tried to help her shift it as a family, since she hit 16, she has tried going to slimming world and did well but then gave up, so it's been 5 years since she has been trying to shift it and not much success, unfortunately. That's why I think taking the gap year for this reason is the wrong choice.

OMG I can't believe people are focussing on losing the weight. This is a young woman who has done exceptionally well I'm her a levels and has a place at a great university. Why would being overweight ruin it?

Being overweight can really dent some people's self esteem.

If she has been overweight since she was 13 then she has lived the last five years being "the fat girl" in the era of Instagram, when other girls her age are trying to get thigh gaps and spending all their time perfecting their makeup techniques using YouTube. Rightly or wrongly, your and other people's perception of how attractive you are can have a huge impact on your social status. I bet she's never had a boyfriend either.

Maybe she just doesn't want "the fat girl" to be her identity any more. If she starts university at her current weight, then she'll meet all these new people but she'll still be "the fat girl", and even if she loses the weight she'll be "the fat girl who lost weight".

Clearly she wants to lose the weight and then go to university, meet new people and enjoy a new identity that isn't tainted by being "the fat girl".

I totally get that, and it could be a good plan. But only if she loses the weight. And if she's 18 stone she probably wants to lose up to half her body weight, so she needs to start right now and lose weight consistently all year if she's to have any chance of being a weight she's comfortable with before the next academic year.

It's the DD's decision to defer because of her weight. Maybe it's the right decision for her this year.
OP you need to be a lot more positive and supportive about her wish to lose weight. Don't buy foods like biscuits and sweets and cakes so they're just not available when DD wants to snack. Learn to cook substantial but well-balanced healthy meals and shop accordingly if you really want to help her.
Tell your DD that eating one piece of chocolate doesn't mean she has to eat the whole bar on the basis that she's already gone wrong. If you are driving and take the wrong turning you don't carry on in that direction because, "Oh well I've gone the wrong way already so I might as well carry on going the wrong way.". You stop and go the right way.

I completely understand the feeling. I just think turning down an opportunity like this is not caused by the weight it's caused by low self esteem. And the cause of that MAY be the weight but the low self esteem may have come first. I am not suggesting she doesn't try to lose weight but I strongly think focussing on being happy is where to start. This girl obviously has a lot going for her.

OP I would suggest she looks for opportunities abroad. Maybe camp America or similar (I guess that is a summer thing). Not just because of her CV but to give her a broader view of the world and her right to exist in it.

Actually, I think your daughter has made a very brave decision. I would encourage her to blog about her journey (even if she doesn't share it), set realistic goals, get her involved in fitness and nutrition. She's young - it's far easier to lose weight at her age particularly if she has a wholesale lifestyle change.

I lost about 3 stone in my 20's. Once the first half stone was off it became addictive and much easier to follow the diet.

I would have been pretty bloody miserable going off to uni as the fat girl. Teens are very judgmental and uni can be a lonely place. Different if your daughter is comfortable in her skin but this is something she can change if she wants too.

Yep losing weight would be ideal but that might not happen.
She needs to feel more positive about herself with or without weight loss. Can you affords some therapy? CBT?
Bottom line is if she doesn't tackle how she feels about herself she will stop her self living the life she wants to live - it already has.
Fitness is the first hurdle - do not worry about food or slimming; get her walking. Set her a challenge, maybe walk up Snowdon in the spring, join her on the training, do it for charity.
Be body positive. Just because a person is larger does that make them a bad person.
Ideally we are all slim but life isn't like that. I am fat & over fifty but I try and be fit, walk go to the gym do the odd yoga class.
I hate being fat but I struggle to lose weight I think I self destruct.
It is the only think on my life I struggle to control.
I am determined not to let it stop me doing things.
Losing weight is hard, Slimming World just reminds her she is fat, she needs to think about nutrition rather than slimming. Maybe in her year off she goes and does a nutrition course and as others have said focus on her fitness. Also sometimes 18 is just too young to leave home.
Be frank with her and tell her that she can take the year off but it needs to be positive one way or another. Tell her not to have regrets.
Good luck to her

Fitness is the first hurdle - do not worry about food or slimming; get her walking.

Sorry but if she doesn't start thinking about her food intake she will not lose weight.

How about she spends this time losing weight. You could support her by joining both ww and boot camp training with her. Or sharing a personal trainer?

if she doesn't start thinking about her food intake she will not lose weight

She might. It's often all tied up with self-esteem, and concentrating miserably on eating minimal calories can make people feel terrible, whereas getting outside, finding sports or activities she actually likes, getting involved with a charity and so on could all start to fill a void that maybe she is currently filling with snacks.

Yes, she'll need to eat less to lose much weight. But once she's happier and fitter, she may find it much easier to eat less.

Sometimes this is what people need to make them realise they really do want to change. I was a size 14 when I was 15, o was very overweight but never stuck to a diet. In the time I had done my GCSEs and went back to collect my results I was a size 8... I knew I didn't want to be overweight on my new journey to college so cut out all bad foods and went to the gym.. I was like a completely different person... maybe this is what your DD is wanting to do, just start afresh!

Sounds like she could do with some psychological support as well as help with eating. Could you afford for her to see a dietitian - a proper one that she can talk with about her feelings around food, as well as helping her develop a healthy eating plan?

I wouldn't write off Slimming World at all, but initially some one to one help may be more beneficial. She may be able to access similar through the NHS, but with resources being so limited that option may have a long delay, if it's available at all.