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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Dropped DD off at Uni yesterday, she is coming home today

38 replies

Pirrip · 16/09/2018 11:37

I had doubts that she was ready to go. I've checked at regular intervals over the last year that she really wants to go to university as she has ASD characteristics (according to CAHMS), anxiety disorder and a compulsive disorder. I tried to talk her into going the apprenticeship route, but she has insisted that she wanted to go, there's nothing else for her. She chose a university that is fairly near home, though just outside comfortable commuting distance.

We dropped her off yesterday, fantastic room, she seemed excited. We left at about 4.30 pm. By 6.00 pm the texts started coming in - feeling sick, not sure this is the right thing etc. I reassured her that these were normal feelings, no doubt lots of other feeling the same etc. By 7.00 she was insisting on coming home by coach to see us face to face. I suggested that she at least gave it a few days, but she was adamant. I doubt we will get her back to uni now. I don't mind that - I just wish she'd faced up to it not being for her earlier, or alternatively given it a reasonable go.

Besides being worried for her mental health (as ever) and what her next step will be, I'm also terrified about the money. We don't have any, and I think that we will be stuck with the bill for accommodation for the year. Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:
another20 · 16/09/2018 19:56

That’s a great idea from PP about someone staying nearby for a few days if possible - also possibly suggest she comes home at weekends - so that she could set off Mon morning and just have to do 4 nights - she might end up staying the weekends in the end......feel for you all.

another20 · 16/09/2018 20:05

Just driving home after dropping my DS off. Think the whole milling around at freshers week is unstructured, unsettling and challenging - your DD might be better just to rock up once lectures start?

Xenia · 16/09/2018 20:47

Good luck whatever she decides. If she's at a decent university reading law and wants a career as a lawyer she needs to thnk about the best way to get to that end which is probably not dropping out if she can help it.

Justincase87 · 16/09/2018 20:55

This was me 10 years ago!

I lasted one night at uni and then came home... I had serious anxiety and depression. Despite this I managed to stay at uni during the week but came home every weekend - it was less than an hour away, but knowing I could come home every weekend kept me going. I made a small number of friends and in second and third year I lived with them off campus but still came home almost every weekend. Looking back I maybe didn't deal with it all in the right way, but I got my degree despite my issues. Once lectures started properly I had some kind of routine which was helpful to me. I focused on course work etc and reading, and while I have some regrets about missing out on nightlife and societies etc I made it through in the way which worked for me. My parents supported by decisions, and whilst I know it was hard for them to see me struggle, having their support for my way of doing things was really helpful.

donutrehomer · 16/09/2018 20:56

I don't think that you will be charged anything, but you will need to go and get her belongings asap if you haven't already.

My DS dropped out after only three days, we dropped him off on the Sunday night and collected him on the Wednesday morning. Do not underestimate how many students drop out in the first couple of weeks. This is exactly most unis have a standby list for those waiting for rooms in halls of residence. He was the 15th student to leave and that was the only the Wednesday!

They may put on a front about "paying for the term" but we stood our ground and in the end we paid only three days and zero SF as no lectures had been attended.

I really do not think you would be paying for the entire month, let alone the entire term.

Stand your ground with the uni, and to prewarn you SF will continue to write to your DD throughout the uni year and send statements and an end of academic year calculation as well.

xx

xx

Member · 17/09/2018 10:02

Been thinking about you a lot OP, hope you and your dd are managing to communicate about a way forwardFlowers

PiperPublickOccurrences · 17/09/2018 10:06

BRING HER HOME.

I went away to halls at 18 and hated it. I was so, so unhappy and cried constantly. Parents didn't understand and were not sympathetic at all. The Uni eventually allowed me to move back home and commute which was tough but better than being in the awful halls. My mental health took a real battering and I spent most of my first year in tears. Horrible time.

I felt horribly pressured by my parents to stick it out, they had both moved out of home for college at the same age and loved it, they thought it was "character building", they never sat me down and expressed concern about how unhappy I was. I have told my own kids that if they want to move out for Uni that's fine, but if they'd prefer a local Uni that's fine too.

She has options. She can switch universities, take a year out, study in some other way.

Original poster
Pirrip · 17/09/2018 17:08

Thanks again everyone, your posts have helped me get through a couple of upsetting days. I really appreciate it.

DD arrived home yesterday, looking shell-shocked. She is adamant that she is not going back and that she now knows that she should not have gone at all. She feels that she got swept along by expectations in sixth form, felt it was what she should do and really wished that she had agreed to a gap year or applied for apprenticeships. Happily, she can do that now.

I left her to phone up the uni this morning so that she took some responsibility. It seems that no tuition fees will need to be paid. The maintenance loan will be sent back once they process her request. She is going back with an older cousin to pick up her belongings from the accommodation tomorrow (I can't get time off as we are short staffed at work). The uni suggested that they have a waiting list for halls, so I am hoping we can salvage the rent paid.

This has been a massive upheaval for my DD, but I hope that she learns from it. Due to her ASD she does try to appear "normal" by doing what she sees her peers doing as she feels that she is a misfit. We're aware of this and try to steer her away from decisions that are a bad fit for her, but we don't always succeed - as was the case here. Hoping that this will provide her with some insight for future decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pirrip · 17/09/2018 17:16

Oh, and a special thank you to Member for the flowers!

And Piper, so sorry you had to go through that. I moved out of home at 18, in fact moved country, and loved it. However, I know that my daughter is nothing like me and accept her for her own wonderful and eccentric self. It would destroy me to think of her struggling in an effort to please me.

OP posts:
ektomarie · 25/09/2018 22:23

Hope all is well with you, OP and your daughter has had a chance to think things through in her safe space at home. Flowers

TownHall · 27/09/2018 02:05

At least it's all sorted now. I hope your daughter doesn't feel too bad. At least she made a positive and definite decision! That takes guts...

Hope everything sorts itself out.

Quantumblue · 27/09/2018 08:28

Am so glad she is home and can regroup at her own pace. I am sure she will continue to develop her independence in her own way.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/09/2018 11:22

Glad it seems to be working out. Will she try to get into a more local uni?

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