Student-returning-home-blues

[Cantthinkofaname12]

I've name changed for this and not sure it should really be here, but was wondering if anyone else has experienced similar issues?

My DD has just finished her first term at uni after a gap year (so is 19).
She came home with a cold and I've run around making her honey and lemon, cooking nice meals etc.- the usual stuff.
She hasn't wanted to come out anywhere with us yet with us but when we've returned e.g. from taking the dogs out has been lying on the sofa, surrounded by her mess (when I'd made her room clean and tidy) and had moaned about being bored. She complained about the home-made meal I'd spent time making and when I asked her not to be so negative stormed out of the kitchen in a strop.
She photographer her arrival home, the meeting with the family dog, decorating the tree etc etc to post on Instagram and spent the evening in the same room as us but glued to her phone.

It's probably my hormones, but I feel pretty sad that her homecoming has been like this. I feel like a doormat but when I said one thing she flew into a tantrum.
She has 2 siblings who are fine.

I'm not sure whether to just ignore her behaviour or say something.
Has anyone else experienced similar?
She is very happy at uni but drinks a lot which is a worry.

You mention the drinking, could this be some sort of withdrawal?

I remember my first Christmas at home after a term away; it's quite an adjustment to make. Your daughter is finding her independence as an adult, and now she's a 'child' again. I'd cut her some slack - at least for a day to two!

I wish I'd said more, laid down ground rules when DD came home. It's a nasty moment - now its your home you want it your way, which will not include a bored messy teenager cluttering up your sofa watching endless reruns of Lurve Island. I was a complete doormat and am really cross with myself for it.

Perhaps give her a couple of days to recover, then it's your house so your rules.

DD is now quite worried about a flatmate, the substances she is consuming and other lifestyle issues. She is hoping parents will spot the problems over Christmas. Otherwise she and flatmates have been advised to report issues to security with expectation that welfare will be alerted. Obviously she would prefer parents to step in first.

It probably isn't the case, but do probe. And if you are satisfied there is not a deeper problem, don't hesitate in making reasonable demands of young adults living in your house. You are entitled to respect and help.

Not sure : your house your rules - or their home too?

Yes but not to the extent that parents are unappreciated or treated as servants.

She is probably grumpy because she is full of cold

It will go against the grain for you but if ease up on the special treatment seeing as she doesn’t appreciate it.

Obviously remain living and interested but I wouldn’t baby her (as much as you want to) because she is possibly just not in the loud for it. Like a Pp said, she is adjusting to being an adult at uni and then she’s come home and is probably torn between wanting to be babied and wanting to be the cool adult she’s learning to be (or thinks she is) at uni.

I think you should ease up as she is definitely taking your efforts for granted so when they aren’t quite as forthcoming she may want them/appreciate them more. If you come across as subservient she might (sadly but such is arrogant youth sometimes) be disdainful or critical. Which is heartbreaking for a parent but begging her to appreciate you won’t do you or her any good in the longer term.

I would ask if she wants cold remedies etc (showing normal loving care as one family member to another) but I wouldn’t go foisting them on her especially for example. Give her some space, she probably just needs to acclimatise.

You sound like a lovely mum

I’d ease up and loving and *mood!

Sounds like she's missing university, her new friends and her independence. It's not that unusual and it's a sign that she's happy there and you've prepared her for success in the adult world - I'd be more concerned if she was desperate to come home all the time. I remember I used to dread the university holidays and having to go home because I went from being a fully functioning adult (more so than many of my student friends) to being a child whose parents hadn't noticed or accepted that I'd grown up and who wanted to treat me in the same way as they had before I had worked full time, traveled independently, worked abroad (all gap year stuff) and gone to university. Let's just say I didn't move home again after I graduated...

Most students drink too much in their first term, at least in the eyes of mum and dad. It's a normal part of student socialising and will die down a little after Christmas and more noticeably after first year. Unless she's pouring White Russians over her breakfast cereal, I really wouldn't worry.

It's their home too is my camp. That's easy when she respects the common spaces, though I'd love her to wash up without being asked.