how to handle uni flatmate with serious drink/drug problem?

[Ullathegreat]

It seems that DS's new flatmate has a problem with alcohol and drugs that goes well beyond the more normal undergraduate experimenting. He has already been carted off to hospital twice and the others are worried about the responsibility (what if one of them is home alone and he o.d's in the house?), not to mention not wanting to continue to live with someone whose habits make him erratic, disruptive and unreliable.

What can they do? They are second years living in a private rental. The flatmate in question was a late addition when one of the original group decided to leave uni in August so they don't know his family, friends etc to call for help. He seems nice enough when he's sober.

They are technically adults, but this is a situation most fully fledged adults would find difficult. Can they ask the university to step in? Do they have any legal recourse if he's paying his rent? He may not be doing anything illegal -- alcohol an over-the-counter meds are all legal.

All suggestions would be most welcome!

Look for another rental and move out.

Why should they all have to move out? I think they should speak to a student counsellor and ask for some advice. I'd also ask the guy for his family's details and tell him why I needed them, too!

Im sure I lived with some right rogues in my time at uni. I think we just got on with life. You could probably get everyone together to have a chat with him? Not sure what else you can do tbh.

Who is the landlord? The university? In which case they may have some rules in place about students letting?

It's a private rental so no university rules. I'm sure most of us have lived with rogues not the same thing as having a flatmate carted out, unwillingly, by the paramedics and in serious danger of choking to death on his own vomit (I know some of the "drugs" were legal, but not sure about all; sounds like it was quite a cocktail).

Cant they all get together and talk to him? I think we did that to someone who never did the cleaning so its probably even more warranted in this case!

I think they could potentially be held liable for the rent as well if anything happened-check the contract.

Thanks Hayesking -- they have already tried talking to him as a group. Unfortunately people who have a serious problem with drugs or alcohol rarely see they have a problem.

Yes, Haggisfish. They would have to find a replacement for him or be responsible for his share of the rent; but I think they are at the point where they are willing to risk it.

Even in private rentals the university has a duty to it's students health and welfare.

I was at uni 3 years ago and one of my flatmates had a serious drug problem where one night he took MDMA, got 'bored' and smashed up our kitchen - threw knives everywhere, smashed some expensive bottles of alcohol (not his), punched the fridge until it had dents in it, hacked at the worktop with a knife.... etc. We didnt want to get him in trouble but for his safety and ours we reported him to the university who made him have a meeting with the Dean and a drugs counsellor. I think he was ordered to pay the damages, apologise to us and start drugs counselling, or he'd be kicked off his course for disrupting our learning and his with his drug problems.

It was the best thing we ever did for him - he calmed down loads, I think he still smoked weed but stopped all the hard stuff and drinking, and ended up qualifying for an amazing year abroad and came out with a 1st class degree. He's very happy and settled now.

I think some people turn to this because of loneliness and it's a cry for help, sometimes they need it.

Firstly, if one of them is alone and he ODs in the house they dial 999. That's not about being responsible for him, it's what any housemate should do in any emergency.

What drugs is he doing? Does your son know why he was admitted? I personally would ask your son to contact his course leader stating the facts (it's his call whether he mentions drugs but depending on course could get him in bother) to try and get support in motion. There's probably a back story if he's late teens/ early 20s already battling addictions.

Can they ask the university to step in? Do they have any legal recourse if he's paying his rent? He may not be doing anything illegal -- alcohol an over-the-counter meds are all legal.

They should each individually check in with their own Personal Tutors. If they can, they may want to find out the name of the Personal Tutor of their substance-abusing flatmate, and contact that academic to give him/her a heads up.

They do not have to handle this on their own, nor should they

If one of them were a student of mine, I'd be advising them to contact the Student Welfare/Counselling service. I know my university runs a couple of substance-abuser/alcohol abuser counsellor-facilitated groups. I had a Personal Tutee who attended one of these for their 2nd & 3rd year, and did fantastically well (ended up mentoring younger students in difficulties over alcohol). But only after they admitted there was a problem.

If your DS and flatmates are finding finding it really stressful, how about them attending an Al-Anon meeting?

I am once-bitten, twice shy over this: I had to deal with very bad fall out from a very ill student who had emotionally blackmailed their flatmate never to leave their shared flat. The flatmate thought they could help their friend, and their whole year went to pot. They were required to withdraw.

When someone is so ill (and hospital visits=illness in this case I think), then the other young people around them need to know the AA mantra:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Only the addict can do that, in whatever way he finds works.

But I know when I was a 2nd year in a share house, I would have see it as important to try to help, if not "cure" an addict flatmate. I'm tougher now ...

Your DS might get information about how to deal with his flatmate's collapsing or blacking out: call the ambulance is probably the only advice, really. And be very very aware of not being dragged into the flatmate's narcissistic drama. Addicts generally need everything to be about them.

Thanks Giant, Nerr and RedPanda, That's all very helpful advice. I've passed the information on to DS, and hopefully they won't feel too awkward contacting their personal tutors.

I'm not sure they know exactly what the pills were a mix of valium and sleeping pills, I think, but there may well have been other things in the mix. It is sad and hard for the others not to get dragged down.

Academic tutors have heard everything believe me. Much better your DS and his flat mates give their tutors a heads up and get a bit of advice and support.

Did they all give their consent to having him as a flatmate?

What an awful situation. It's still early in the year so maybe he will calm down or run out of money.

If he gets ill or completely out of it again could your son and the other flat mates try and contact his family... maybe through Facebook?

He is someone's son
It doesn't matter how or why he came to be in the flat. It's a problem for them and a problem for him. They should not be put in that situation whether it's their responsibility or not they would feel responsible should the worst happen. Do not be afraid to dial 999.

If he were my son I would hope that his flatmates would do their utmost to contact me - delve on FB; look at the tenancy agreement as it should have his home address on? Definitely contact student welfare as well as their own tutors. God forbid he ends up as another newspaper story.

What is the rental arrangement. Is there a parental guarantor. Is responsibility joint and several. Is rent paid six months in advance? If there are concerns that other house mates might end up footing the bill, I might be tempted to ask the agent to contact the guarantor, suggesting there are some welfare concerns.