How to get lazy DSs to do their homework / assignments

[OopsEEDaisyButtercup]

I have 3 DSs, aged 13, 16, 18. None of them seem able to do their homework
a. on time
b. at all
c. enough of it

This has just been going on for so long, I am bored with the whole cycle of emails from teachers/lecturers; talking to each DS individually to find out why they forget / can't be bothered. Instigating penalties [financial, loss of PC time, etc]

I am the compassionate 'gently does it' sort of Mum, which seemingly achieves nothing, but DF is the type who will wade in yelling and shouting about how "we've given them so much and this is how they repay us", etc etc, which achieves nothing either.

I try not to tell DF anything until I have a clearer picture of what's not been handed in or why the assignments aren't up to scratch, otherwise he will go off in a fury accusing them of being lazy good-for-nothing ungrateful selfish pigs. Yes - he does use those words!

I have tried over the years to get teachers/lecturers to help them with planning and how to get things done, but they either don't have the time [realistically, what teacher has enough time to spare?] or just don't seem to bother and expect the DSs to just do it all themselves with a little persuasion from their parents.

Does anyone have any suggestions please on some sort of middle ground to persuade them to just get on with it! I can't ask friends, as the ones I'd want to ask all seem to have lovely little darlings who work hard and are straight A students as a result! They have just told me to accept that my DSs are just 'like that', but I don't want them to be, as they are setting themselves up for a fall later in life.

I would break this down to an issue with each child in turn. There is no point right now judging where you may have gone wrong. These issues can happen whatever the parenting input. Take it from where they are now.

With the eldest I would not let him play games till 2am but that's a general health and habit issue. Also I have not been a gentle, kind type of Mum and I can see you may have a totally different view on confrontation. I don't mind it in small doses but if it's not your style fair enough.

Does he have a plan beyond this BTEC course? My son needed a goal, he just did not see the point before. We worked on getting him to see life in a few years and make the connection between today and that future. I had that more naturally as a kid but he hasn't. It'S not the work of a day; like table manners it all seems to take an age to take root.

I also make sure I get him to contribute to household tasks. He has never offered and it is easier not to but it is genuinely good for his self esteem and we have a chat! I let him know his help is appreciated. A Saturday job is also helping him mature. Appealing to his desire to be grown up while internally accepting he is still immature is helping me maintain a calmer front.

You sound a nicer person than me OP. Good luck!

I did go down the close supervision route after mocks went wrong at 16. His Dad and I got him to go through past papers and he was under a fairly strct regime that he bridled against (despite having admitted he wanted our help.)

It was only sustainable for a few weeks. But it was worth it if only to give him an idea of how much time he did need to put in. A common theme is his optimism founded in ignorance!

I'll be super honest, OP - it doesn't sound as if you and your DH are managing your DSs at all.

Homework is non-negotiable and it needs to be that way from the start. It isn't the job of teachers to manage homework: that is the job of parents.

At 16 and 18 they should be managing their homework themselves. Yes maybe ask them if they have any but then leave them to it. The 18 year old particularly should be managing his homework himself. BTECs usually have a lot of course work and students are expected to manage their time and get on with it themselves.

I agree it needs to be their responsibility. A friend was terrible and his mum was constantly helping/nagging him, to the extent of sending him to the caravan to revise for exams and not letting him back until he'd been there X hours.

When he went to uni he hadn't learnt the skills, and ended up dropping out because he just spent all his time playing video games and missing deadlines. A v expensive lesson he could have learnt at 15.