Worried about first year DD

[chocoluvva]

I'm not sure if this is the best forum for this thread or what anyone can advise really, but here goes anyway,

DD is at a conservatoire - music performance - okay(ish) grades, not confident, (very shy), probably/possibly out of place among her dedicated and/or extrovert peers. She isn't practising enough, by her own admission. She has always done this and knows she needs to practise more but can't seem to do it. She thrives on encouragement and success; I give her encouragement but only she can do the practice. She says she is the least technically able student in her year - not surprising given her lack of practice. She was advised that the new environment would be a shock to the system after being noticeably successful at school and I think it's a disincentive to practising.
She doesn't enjoy sitting practising on her own - I have suggested doing several short sessions but she will be told nothing. She is very stubborn. Until now she has rarely practised in a disciplined way (more just run through lots of stuff). Therefore it's easy to think she's not suited to this course.

She was desperate to do this course and hopes to 'scrape' a living as a musician - she didn't apply for any other courses and was overjoyed at getting into the conservatoire. However she isn't remotely single-minded; she is in a flatshare with her bf (it will be awful if/when they break up) and spends a lot of time on 'home-making' and cooking. She is addicted to her phone too. Her energy levels aren't brilliant.

I can't imagine what she would do if she dropped out, and I'm worried that she will give up after a couple of years with no idea of what else to do and a feeling of failure or disappointment.

Does any kind MN-etter have any words of wisdom? ( Sometimes I feel a bit of a 'fail' for not managing to instil a better work-ethic/ability to be pro-active though that is now irrelevant as she is an adult now.)

I have no idea what a conservatoire is but I think it sounds like your DD is struggling to fit in, as you suggest in your post. It must be really difficult (to say the least) for a shy girl to fit in with confident/extravert peers, although of course they won't all be like this, but I imagine that this is how they will be perceived by your DD. Some people are better at hiding their insecurity, anxieties.

In my experience, when we can't fit in or cope with something, we drop out, or don't make any progress and this of course exacerbates the problem, and it becomes a viscous circle. Is your DD 18 or older and I think this is her first year, so it's early days yet isn't it - no idea how long the course is, but the signs are there that she is finding it all too much and really struggling to cope........but she lives with a boyfriend (and you don't seem very happy about that - do you disapprove of the boyfriend or the arrangement or both) and she's "homemaking" so that seems to be something that is giving her some pleasure/fulfilment. OK it might be "displacement activity" but what does it matter. Isn't the main thing we want as mothers, is for our kids to be happy as far as possible in life, and I think it's tough for us sometimes to have to stand on the side lines, and worry about them, but that's the way it is.........it's all so much easier when they are little, when we can usually put things right for them, but not so when they are adult.

You say you "can't imagine what she would do if she dropped out" - this sounds very fatalistic and I think maybe you need to "toughen up" a bit and try not to be so anxious about your DD's future (easier said than done I know) but you will be passing this anxiety on to DD (consciously or unconsciously) and that will make her feel worse. You are using words like fail and that is so negative and unhelpful to anyone in any circumstances. Look please don't think I'm getting at you ..........my adult kids are in their 40s now and 2 of them have travelled successfully through their adult years but one of them has had many bumps along the road, but the main thing is I have always supported her and accepted her life choices, though I won't deny I have also worried like hell at times. We wouldn't be good mothers if we didn't worry about our kids, but it's about trying to take a step back, and being there to support them when it's necessary.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble..............

It sounds like you are projecting somewhat - ie. Her relationship ending and how she will cope/ her future being ruined if she fails the course.

With the greatest respect it is up to her to motivate herself (or not) now. No amount of nagging or hand-wringing is going to help. I sound very similar to your dd and unfortunately the collective and unfocused panic of family is probably the most demotivating thing. What helped me was a withdrawal of practical support and fussing from my dm and a bit of faith that I could pull it off - did wonders for my self-esteem - and I learnt the vital life skill of resilience.

Having said all that it is important for her to know that you are there if she wants to talk and that you love her. I'm sure she will be fine.

Not sure what you're asking really - is it YOU that needs to advice or her asking for it?

In all honesty if she isn't motivated to practice enough she probably is best leaving now rather than in a year or two finding herself bottom in terms of ability, or being asked to leave, both of which will be hugely disappointing for her, could she think about transferring, maybe to a straight Music degree at a straightforward university rather than a conservatoire?

Thank you nana. I appreciate you taking the time to post at length. If my mum were still alive I wouldn't be posting....

A conservatoire is a specialist uni - there are eight or ten in Britain - for musicians and sometimes actors, dancers, film-makes and music theatre students.

You're right...

It's silly to worry - she has to find her own way. She's a young adult. And it's a first world problem...

I did realise I sounded hand-wringing. Thank you for reminding me to be positive. Her bf is nice and in some ways very good for her - it's just she wants to have/do everything now - and in doing so makes it more difficult for herself. She shares a room with her bf and does more than her fair share of cooking, shopping etc (IMO - and I know it's up to them to do their own thing). If/when they break up she will be out of the loop re sharing accommodation with other students.

I was supportive of her choice - thought I did advise her to think about it very carefully and maybe wait a year as she is quite young compared to the other students - her teacher agreed with me. And I was thrilled for her when she got a place as she had her heart set on it. I'm proud of her for getting in.

I'm not sure how best to be supportive other than to say encouraging things and appear positive...

Does she play a fairly solitary instrument? What about her second study? Could she get involved in some chamber music/choir/orchestra? It might motivate her a bit and give her a chance to make some friends.

Ultimately though I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if she struggles to practise now then would she enjoy life as a musician? It is very tough and lonely unless the bulk of your time is in a group (rare). How does she feel about teaching? Very few musicians make their living from performance alone.

x-posted. thank you for your replies - I wondered if anyone would bother.

cedric - she is a complex person - I know she values encouragement and having someone believe in her, but I know you're right that the motivation has to come from her and that a nagging parent is de-motivating. I see her once a week as she is only a few miles from home. Perhaps I should be more brisk with her and not ask how she's getting on unless she mentions specific things.

The inability to practise is a problem - maybe it will still come - I feel I've been hoping it would come for two or three years - she was quietly confident that she would get in so she did the minimum she thought she could get away with.....

glorious - she is slightly unusual in that she wants to accompany and knows she would/will have to teach - she already does. She's a good all -rounder - IMO she could lead a choir or children's orchestra already, but she's very nervous about speaking in front of groups of people, doesn't push herself forward etc. The conservatoire seems to do a lot of work with the students on the 'soft skills' of doing presentations etc, which she finds difficult, though she thinks she is gradually becoming more confident so that should help her, provided it doesn't put her off altogether.

She has all the musical ability - except the ability to motivate herself to practise....

You sound lovely and she sounds lucky to have you. Just something to bear in mind - I was very good at manipulating my mum into feeling sorry for me as a diversion from the fact that I didn't want her approbation.

I would just check she isn't depressed and give her the opportunity to open up about that as when I was depressed I was very demotivated and chaotic. Other than that I'd just keep doing what you are doing.

cedric

I've often thought the entire choco household could 'present' as slightly depressed - or certainly negative - her DF is very negative about having to work - he told her and DS that any well-paid job is either boring or stressful so she might as well do something she thinks she'll enjoy and he does little in the way of hobbies. He is grumpy and my default setting is to be anxious and think 'Oh no'...

It's not surprising that DD isn't a powerhouse of energy and joie de vivre... I don't think she's depressed. But it's true that she 'can't be bothered' with practising, exercising, having another hobby.... She did a lot of different things when she was at school but only if there was a structure in place.

Did you recover from your depression without professional help? I understand if you'd rather not answer that though.

I sometimes think DD would love the thought of spending her days as a SAHM in a cosy home- nothing wrong with that IMO - but in the meantime...? I only work very part time (mostly for health reasons) so I'm not a good role model.

Maybe she doesn't want parental approval - I'd always assumed she does, but it never occurred to me that she might not be bothered...

chocco - maybe you could try being a bit brisker....I know when I first shared somewhere with bf I did that homemaker ish bit as well- I was working but nothing very focused...the playing houses bit was better for the ego ... when that relationship went pear shaped was what kicked me up the arse in a good way as a distraction from the upset I put some work into my work and things improved and created further momentum

...she's young -whats the worst thing - she gets kicked out....she'll have to leave student accomm etc she gets pregnant and drops out??? I really think you need to step back a bit and let her deal with her own consequences...

these are your anxieties....my mum is a very anxious person and later she admitted she despaired about what would happen...but she managed to fake it with me and discussed recipes, nodded over shopping etc

She needs to be able to fail..(she may not).....you just need to be able to offer support when she asks....hard this parenting lark

I have had therapy on and off for years - my depression manifested as lethargy, eating disorders etc. I'm find now and "successful" - happily married, 3 kids and training to be a psychotherapist.

I answered your thread because it really resonated with me. I thrived at school academically, socially and emotionally and fell apart after. I did a gap year, met an unsuitable boyfriend and then went to uni. I felt rootless and unmotivated at uni with the lack of structure and pressure to create my own routine. I then did a pgce back in my own town and ended up hanging out with my mum a lot, homemaking and seeking refuge in comforting things like baking.

The turning point for me was going to London, stepping outside the family, having therapy and getting a job. It was revelatory. I firmly believe that I just needed to find my niche and my own rhythm.

I only share all this because she does sound similar to me. Does any of this resonate?

Ps I have always been "good" and a people pleaser. Freedom from that was also revelatory.

Thank you. I'm touched by your kind reply.

I see OP, I love accompanying so I can understand that Are there any of her contemparies she really respects musically that she might like to prepare something with? It can be very easy to get into a bit of a negative feedback loop when you're surrounded by talented people. It certainly did in my first year of my music degree (no performance in the course but similar environment). Finding my niche really helped.

Making a living in music is really, really hard and if she's not committed now I think she would be best to move on, as someone has said, maybe to straight music degree. There are some amazing kids around who practice for hours a day and even they won't make it. You need this portfolio career lark, confidence, good communications skills and to be a good performer as well. Sorry to sound harsh but it's better to find out now. I got to p-g level at conservatoire before I decided I wasn't good enough. Better to quit before you chuck too much time and money at it ... good luck, main thing is that she is happy in what she chooses. xx

Thank you for your post moominmamma - her pre-conservatoire teacher cautioned her that most classical musicians go bankrupt before they manage to establish themselves. ...

She certainly loves classical music - goes to lots of recitals/concerts - doing a course in the summer - but she just doesn't practice much on her own and she's rubbish at pushing herself forward. Her energy levels are decidedly average. But she wasn't interested in doing anything else - wouldn't even consider doing music at uni - which would have been a doddle for the first couple of years as she has done such a huge amount of music.

My daughter has a friend doing a post graduate music course at a prestigious English University, having trained at a Conservatoire in Europe before . This friend has come into her own at University, and now knows what field to specialise in etc etc. she has said how much being with a wide range of students all involved in some way with music has helped her focus . Perhaps something for your daughter to begin thinking about as a longer term goal? Btw, how lucky your daughter is to have such a caring and perceptive mother ...