Help my DD doesn't like her uni course

[clementina25]

DD went to uni in September and quite soon I was getting the message that the course was boring. She is doing Naval ARchitecture and Marine Engineering. She could have gone straight into 2nd year as her exam results were so good - but she chose to start in 1st year. So I said that it was likely that she might find some of the 1st year stuff a bit boring - but to search out what the 2nd years studied. As the months passed - despite advice to speak to her tutor etc (ignored) - she then started saying that she hated living in the middle of a city and hated her course and wanted to go and do the same course as her boyfriend (an outdoor pursuits course which requires a much lower set of grades for entry - and which her Dad and I - and indeed all family and friends we have spoken to - feel would be a huge mistake).

I feel that part of the problem is that she is missing her boyfriend - and also that she is finding living in a city a shock after growing up in the countryside.

She excels in everything she does - got As in every subject - but in her second last year at school said she wanted to study Physics. In her last year - when she started going out with the boyfriend (who just happened to have been her best friend's boyfriend........) - she decided to apply for an engineering course - which actually surprised her Dad and I. However she was adamant that this is what she wanted to do...
I went to visit her in late November - where we had a tearful meal out - and then she came home for Christmas. We tried to avoid talking about the course for most of the holidays but eventually had to bite the bullet. More tears when her Dad spoke to her. I wasn't there when he broached the subject. I suggested that she should think of taking a year out after finishing this 1st year on the course - so that she has more time to gather her thoughts. I think she thought that might be a good idea. But I don't know really what she is going to do. She still has not spoken to any of the staff on her course. I'm sorry this is a real long ramble - but I am so distressed about it all. She is such a talented girl, I understand her difficulty in finding the right course to do. I sometimes wish she had never started going out with the boyfriend - as apart from the bad influence I think he has on her - it also soured her relationship with her best friend.

Oh dear. Can anyone give me some words of comfort?

I used to work in higher education and know how hard tutors and course leaders try to retain students. I'm sorry you are both going through this, it must be very stressful. Please get her to speak to her personal tutor (or any tutor she feels she can speak to) so that they can discuss the options available to her. There will be lots of choices but she can't decide without knowing what they are.

Sorry no advice but lots of sympathy. You think once they get their place at uni the worst of the worrying is over but there's always something. Hope it all resolves itself!

Friend 1 had a DS who hated his course, felt he didn't fit in with social scene, and spent as much time at home as he could- parents lived locally. Failed all exams, refused to resit them, or transfer to different course. Has now left uni and is adamant will not apply anywhere else. They wish he'd opened up to the, earlier and told them, or student support, or anyone who may have been able to suggest ways forward.

DD of Friend 2 felt the same after the first term. Hated course, uni, halls etc. After much discussion with parents and Uni, took the rest of year out , applied to a different uni for the following year and has never looked back.

Sorry pressed send too early,

Just saying if possible speak to the Uni, pastoral care, and see what options are for DD.

Much sympathy for your DD. Hope she gets it sorted and feels happier and more settled as a result.

I agree that she should speak to her tutors ASAP. They will have lots of suggestions for her, and will be willing to offer her support in order to help her carry on with the course.

However, if she really doesn't like where she's living, then she probably isn't going to be happy at this uni. Being miserable won't help her perform well. Is there another uni she could go to in a more rural location which she could transfer to for second year? It sounds like a pretty specialist course, which means less unis will offer it, but there might be another place she would prefer living.

I think you need to separate the issue of her boyfriend from the issue of the course. Lots of students at uni miss their boyfriends, but they usually still enjoy their course and have a good time. If the course was a last minute decision, and she's changed her mind again, it might be better to drop out and start over.

It seems like there is some pressure on her coming from you and her dad. Does she feel like dropping out is not an option because she has always done well at everything? I'm also not sure discussing her possible plans with everyone and agreeing what a mistake they would be is helpful. Why do you feel the plan of the outdoor pursuits course is a mistake- because it is not academic and she would not be living up to her "potential"?

Not every person who excels academically will enjoy studying a really academic subject, or indeed will enjoy uni. I think the best thing to do is just let her know you will support her whatever she chooses and give her the option to drop out and think about her future if that's what she wants. Perhaps you could write her a letter- let her know that she won't become a disappointment by dropping out, and she is only young and allowed to change her mind.

DH, my brother and also several of my friends didn't really get on with uni to start with, for various reasons.

For some of my friends it was when they realised what kind of job waited for them at the end (which they didn't want), for others they loved the course but there were literally no job prospects at the end.

My brother was still rebelling against my parents who made him go to uni so he didn't focus and got rubbish marks.

DH just partied too much because he didn't take it seriously and got shite marks. And he wasn't taking a degree that allows that, in terms of being able to use it for something at the end.

It helped all of them (at various times) to take what amounted to a gap year (or years) and for the penny to drop about what they really wanted and then for them to take it seriously. Each of them (none academically average) eventually picked something that they are very good at and they are all making a good living. But I imagine for some of their parents it was a difficult time.

I don't entirely agree with Slow, in that I think if you are academically capable you'd be utterly daft not to try to turn that into a comfortable lifestyle and that often means entering a profession. But I do agree in another sense, which is that every adult has to make their own decisions. You won't be able to force anything on your DD.

Something else that might be worth considering - is it being in a city or being in the middle of a city or being in noisy, impersonal halls of residence that she doesn't like?

I ask because my DD only lasted two months in her halls - she had applied for the particular flat she was in very early in order to get one of the best rooms and was proud of her nice room and the convenient location - but the combination of constant banging music, the fire alarms going off all the time and the noise from the busy street (buses and sirens) was horrible. (She moved into a flat in a quieter area)

Re her 'influential' boyfriend - they are likely to break up...... It's quite unusual for relationships to last at this stage when the couple live in different areas. Do you feel that her motivation to join her bf is to avoid the relationship breaking up?

She could do lots of things in a gap year - voluntary work? learn to drive? open-learning? paid work? travelling?

Try not to let her see that you are worried as it will add to her stress (easier said than done). A lot could happen between now and September...

Sounds as if she is finding reasons not to like it.
If it was the course then she would be best to speak to academic tutor. If it was halls they usually have someone there to speak to.
I must admit I did not go to uni until I was much older and used to finding help by myself.
At the end of the day, you cannot do the course or make her decisions for her, the help is there, where she is, to change course, to transfer, to drop out, or take a break.
If you leave her to it she may reach the decisions she needs to make.

Thinking about this more.... I find it difficult to know how students will know that are going to enjoy such as naval architecture and marine engineering until they've started it. Did your DD show an interests in ships etc before she went.

How much flexibility of choice of modules does it allow - could she opt for modules in mechanical engineering, marine geology or something and end up with a degree in one of those?

My DS started the exact same course and absolutely hated it. He started in Y2 which we all realised was a mistake but too late. I wonder if it is the same uni? In his case his classmates were all either foreign, much older, or being sponsored by industry so none of them were interested in making friends.

He spoke to his tutor (after much prompting by DH) and took the rest of the year out, starting again the following September. It still didn't work out and he gave up altogether.

He then went onto an engineering apprenticeship and is thoroughly enjoying it, and doing really well.

Your DD needs to speak to her tutors, and she needs to really think about what she wants. Does she want to do this subject somewhere else? A different subject where she is? Something completely different? Go to work instead? Only she can answer that question.

Or do a more general course with the option of specialising in her second or third year?

Obviously the sooner you sort it the more options she has so perhaps dealing with it now is the best option. However the course is still likely to be transferable at the end of the year, so there's no reason, particularly since she could have entered at stage 2 anyway (I'm assuming that she only has to pass year 1 and the degree grade itself is actually based on years 2 and 3)why she can't change to another course. What she needs to do is be having conversations with the student liaison officers ASAP to establish what her options are and decide whether she transfers now or end of stage 1. I'm sure it will right itself so try not to worry too much!

If your dd feels nervous about speaking to a tutor on her course I'd mention speaking to a staff member in the student union. She might feel more able to approach them as there's usually a more relaxed atmosphere in the union than in the university. Most SU's have an advice centre who know about the ins and outs of changing course etc.
The other thing I would say is not to underestimate the value of allowing her to walk away and do what she wants - regardless of what you or anyone else thinks of the course she chooses. She's got one life and she needs to be allowed to live it.
The university will allow her a year's intercalation where she can step out of her current course and then step straight back in at the same stage next year and just continue. I wonder if this might be the first thing you mention to her, so she realises that she's got a breathing space to think.
Whatever happens she has to speak to someone for support - I work in a SU advice centre and the main thing I hear myself say, day in, day out is that they must talk to their lecturers, in my experience they really do only want the best for their students. If she's concerned then ask that a friend can go in with her.
You don't want her becoming depressed about her situation and it all getting on top of her. There are always solutions that can be put in place. Always.

Changing course is very common and relatively easy but (a) it's not going to happen without starting to talk to people and (b) should never be done for relationship reasons. She needs to act quickly - it could take from now till september to get everything sorted. Government subsidy and loans for university courses are only a one-time deal so if she starts the new course in the first year cohort she is likely to need additional financial support from you.

Student finance (assuming you're in England) will allow 3+1 years finance so that should be easily sorted.

She needs to get everything sorted in her own head as so much is going on at the moment - some things which should influence her choice and some which should not. Talking to the right people is what she needs to do.

I am not surprised that some courses don't turn out to be suitable. Its probably much easier to know it will be right if you go onto Maths, English or History from A levels but choosing something different is bound to lead to some finding it to not be right for them. She just needs to face it and turn it around for the greater good.