DS not really settling

[pixiepotter]

He has hated freshers week.He is quite a homebody really.He went out went out clubbing with his (very nice) flatmates the first night, but hated it so much he left at 12.30.The others have gone out clubbing every night since but he hasn't gone.He can't really join in their conversations because they talk about nothing but drinking and clubbing.He has been out to see a comedian at the union by himself, but got talking to others there and one night had a film and pizza night with the flat downstairs.
But I think it is the long days with nothing to do that are getting him down.We went to visit him this afternoon and he looked very gaunt and says he keeps forgetting to eat also he is paying £150 for his room but the shower doesn't work!! and the maintenance guy doesn't know why!
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Hopefully it will be better next week when studies start.He has 2 full days til 5 and 3 half days in Uni , plus the clubs he has signed up for start
I feel so sad for him being unhappy.I hope it gets better soon.

My DS is at Warwick and there's no freshers week - so we only took him this weekend, and it's been straight into starting courses this week. I'm secretly very pleased as he's not one for clubbing either. It is hard for all of them, but I feel a raft of structured meetings and activities is better than expecting them to 'have a wild, exciting time' for a whole week.

I was like upthe chimney. Regarded as a geeky swat at school and fitted in much better at university. You do have to make an effort and join clubs and talk to people though. I was also passionate about my subject and definitely in there for the long haul. I suspect many who leave early were half hearted about their subject anyway. If you're used to always having hoards of friends and being popular it's probably harder than if you're used to being on your own a bit.

Have had a miserable phone call with my ds this evening who feel that he has made the wrong course choice and wants to swap but has been told he can't by one rather unhelpful tutor. This has made him very despondent and so, of course, I am now worrying about him like mad! I have told him to keep going and he will get to the right person eventually but they can be very black and white about disappointment!

exgov Didn't they even have any Fresher's events in the evening? DD3 is at Bolton, we took her up on the 14th September and her course started on the 16th. There were Fresher's events that week but they were all at the Student Union in the evenings. They had the Fresher's fare last week.

It's unusual for them not to be able to swap. If the other course is full I suppose he may have to wait, although if he's only done a week or 2 of it the tutor maybe feels he's not given it enough of a chance as I presume he researched the course before choosing it and initially chose it for a reason. They may worry he's making a snap decision based more on homesickness than course content.

Pixie...Where are the grandparents going to sleep? Interesting. I think more of these problems with flat mates arise in self catered flats because the students find it more difficult to meet other people. In catered halls you meet a variety at communal mealtimes and this happens quickly. Freshers week is not all about drinking and clubbing. It is about making friends, however you can. In my DDs halls there have been lots of flat parties and the clubbing was not of great interest to those who had already been there, done it and got the T shirt. They found their own ways to meet with like minded people.

UptheChimney - do you think there should be more support from the authorities? I wonder if more will be done

Please excuse me if I sound exasperated ... I'm a few years on from most of you (my DS is almost 25 shock, how did that happen ) and I have to teach increasingly needy, demanding, & entitled 18 year olds.

But really???? Are you suggesting that the "authorities" to help with students feeling homesick? I'm not sure what you actually want? -- the fees issue is a non-starter. Fees are now paid by students, rather than the taxpayer. That is, the tuition fee almost replaces the public funding that's been cut from the higher education budget. The HE teaching budget was cut by 80% in 2012. There is no extra money in the system. Really. And the on-the-ground experience is that there is actually less money in the system: my teaching budget has been frozen, although my student numbers have gone up.

Where do you want the fees money to go? Library resources, teaching, lowering student-staff ratios? or what?

Look, seriously, we all know this: growing up has its hard patches. Didn't we all go through them? That's how we learn. That's how we grow and mature. We make mistakes. We feel homesick. We find that we don't get on with everyone, and they don't get on with us. We find that not everyone lives the way our families live.

I can remember the first few months of my first year away from home, when I would wail to my flatmates (4 men, BTW, but lovely) "But my mother doesn't do it like that!" I realised quite soon that I needed to get over myself, and grow up.

Change is hard, but really? It's hard for us, as well as our DC but when do we think we should let go? I grew up living half a mile away from neighbours (our front drive was a quarter of a mile long). I didn't catch a bus on my own till I was about 15, and I was paralysingly shy until I was about 20, and even then a lot of normal life felt difficult & painful. But I managed to move to a big city at 18, and find friends etc etc etc. There were times when it was really difficult, but what was the alternative? stay cotton-woolled in suburbia? I've talked about this with my mother, and I know that she found it hard to sit back, but she eventually did, and it was an excellent example to me. But then I suspect that the blood that built the British Empire still runs in my family's veins ...

And when I say growing up has its hard patches, I'm thinking of us as parents as well. Although I think I took the road of benign neglect compared with some here -- no MN when I was hands-on parenting ;-)

These first few weeks can be tough, but they are inevitable -- we learn independence through solving problems.

Gosh, sorry for the rant. But really, I've been there, and I see it every year ... just hold tight. If things are really wrong, that will become clear.

But give it a few weeks -- university is challenging. It's supposed to be! Would you really want it to be anything other?

If you feel you need to do something: get on the University and student union/guild websites, and arm yourselves with info about welfare & counselling services, general student and accommodation services, or clubs & societies, or the gym (I urge ALL my students in a fairly non-jock subject to get physical exercise every day, oh I am an annoying personal tutor, worse than their mothers ).

Get the info about services, so that if things do get properly difficult (not just homesickness & adjustment & change) you can support your DC taking action for them to seek help. Because that's our job now -- not doing it for them, but supporting our DC to do it.

OK rant over and apologies if I've offended I really don't mean to, but I've been there, done it & really, perspective is useful.

upchimney another academic here and I agree with all you said. I would and have spend time with students who are unhappy either in general or with their course and I know that for the vast majority of them it will be better in a month if they stick it out, get on with academic work, and are open to meeting people. Even those who are obviously cripplingly shy do make friends but it can be painful to watch them do it. Once tutorials get going there are more opportunities for chatting in class, lectures are not great for meeting people.

Changing course at this stage seems strange to me, I have had students come to me after one lecture in their chosen subject and say "its not what I expected". Given that half of that lecture would be taken up with admin stuff and introductions they are judging hundreds of hours of teaching on the basis of 25 minutes of lecture - what other answer is there but "how do you know?". Sometimes it is because parents have pressurised them to take a course because of career prospects - please don't do this. Would you like to spend 5 years studying something you aren't interested in and then a lifetime doing it? I have a lot of sympathy with these students.

Changing course is not always straightforward either; in my university there is only a short "transfer window" of a couple of weeks, otherwise the student will have missed too much of the other course. Also you can only transfer if you would have been offered a place on that course, so there is no back door to popular, oversubscribed courses. That means meeting the actual required grades for that year, not the minimum in the prospectus (so in our case 3 A's rather than an A and 2Bs).

he has made the wrong course choice and wants to swap but has been told he can't by one rather unhelpful tutor

Our university policy is not to transfer any student in the first few weeks. Students have a long time to think through what they want to study and have at least 9 months to think through what they want to do after applying (Jan deadline to Sept). We have to assume that they have taken this seriously. Hence any decision to transfer, should not be made in haste. Especially as having a wobble in the first few weeks is quite usual.

If students come back to us after the first few weeks still unhappy, then we will accommodate them if we can. But some courses are full, we do not have any space left either in staff time and/or seats in teaching rooms.

Mummee - another perspective on Warwick.
We dropped DS off on Saturday, he's staying in halls in campus. The first 3 nights he went to a freshers party, and a paint party (both at the SU) and an American Football beer and pizza party (at his flat that he organised).

He's also managed to get himself to the various lectures, tutorials and labs that started this week.

So there are plenty of freshers events, but there are also compulsory day time course events. It sounds like a good mix to me.

JGBmum that sounds a bit like Bolton. DD3 was a bit miffed at first that her lectures started straight away. Then found it was a good mix.

That's right, JGBMum and mumeeee - I didn't mean to give the impression that there weren't any freshers events, just that everything else also started as well, so there were things to do during the day. There are society fairs today and tomorrow, I think.

It can be hard for the freshers (and the parents) - but universities are pretty controlled environments, where there is support if it is really needed. I don't feel parents should be involved any more than at present. I was a bit surprised to see there was an address by the Vice-Chancellor to parents on drop-off day - which I didn't go to, as I feel the relationship is between my DS and the uni - it shouldn't really have much to do with me.

Exgov - we didn't go to the talk either as we would have had to move the car and hang round for a while before it started. DS was looking forward to sorting himself out and meeting his flat mates so we only stayed a very short time.

Luckily, he seems to have been put with a group who are socialising together, but i expect they will make lots of new friends too. And these early 'comfort' friendships will change over time.

My only recommendation to DS has been to keep his door open whenever he's in his room (bar getting changed of course)! And spend time in the communal areas, take your laptop in there and work, then you're around as other people come and go.

Oh dear I think DS has been trying to put a brave face on for us.He had been pinning his hopes on starting the course and having some work to occup him, but really hasn't done anything at all this week.It has all been vague introductory waffle about the subjects (engineering) and has been set no work at all.Herangtonight and could barely hold it together.H.He has joined loads of clubs , but they haven't really got started yet, and gone to various events and visited localmuseums .He has worked very hard at building a life
I fear he is slipping into depression, he says he never feels hungry and waking up and not going back to sleep.He is coming home for a day at the weekend .We only are about 25 miles away.

Hi Pixiepotter DD3 was a bit like that last week with her course. She had seemed to have settled but then had a bit of a wobble, She was a bit miffed that they were just going over introductory stuff and stuff she had done at college. She has perked up this week clubs have started, she has been given work to do and had a test today,

...me too with our son ... and I worry as well... it's hard when you hear that they are trying to be "brave" and the "Yeh - I'm OK" when you speak to them on the phone ... they are and will always be "our babies"... it never ends..

BUT - I think we need to fire them up with good food and then send them back on their way - not being nasty here - but this is life - their choices ... if they want something different then they need to make it for themselves and we need (as hard as that may be) to stand back a little...

My son is coming home this weekend - and despite various setbacks on courses - he needs to know that HE needs to SORT it out - we can't be there to work out it out for him any longer.

I know that is tough - and I remember years and years and years ago sobbing in a telephone box begging my Mum/Dad to come and pick me up - they suggested that I go "home" and think about it and talk in the morning - this went on for a few weeks.... and I did finally work it out..

It is tough and heart breaking but you need to stand back and let him try and build his new life...

Enjoy the time the with your son, but send him back with renewed hope and maybe some ideas to connect with other students - it really is early days as far as friendships are concerned...

well he wants to go back on Sunday morning to watch the Grand Prix with the motor sports society, so that is good that he has something to look forward to and then Monday and Tuesdays are full 9-5s in uni.
I don'treally know what people mean by stand back and let him ger on with it.Do I ignore his emails or phone calls? He is initiating the contact and top be honest I don't know what more he could have done really to socialise apart from going clubbing (although that seems to have stopped now) which he loathes.Also I don't know why people talk about 're inventing yourself' when you go to Uni.I think if you want to make friends you need to be yourself!
Anyway it is very early days and hopefully the course will get going properly next week and the clubs will be getting going.

pixie did your DS have much experience of being away from home prior to leaving for university?

I ask, because I ahd a student weeping on my shoulder yesterday, and I was quite shocked to discover that she had barely been away from from home before.

Academics really can't win in some people's eyes. It's really quite important to have "vague introductory waffle" at the beginning of courses. It's not there to annoy students, it's there to make sure we establish what we are assuming the baseline of knowledge is for what is to come. Students will have a wide range of backgrounds, because they come from different education systems. That's why at the end of my first lecture I have a queue of concerned students wanting advice on background reading. There is a strong correlation between students who look down their noses at revision activities and those I see in August for the resits! Also in some subjects (Maths, I am looking at you) things are taught very differently from school and even things you have done before will be challenging!

A gentle start gives students a chance to establish the routine of university life, buy books and find the library, without too much academic pressure, and also gives time for administrative tasks like assigning tutorials, which can't be done until class lists are stable. Things will warm up quickly, I doubt anyone will be moaning about not having enough to do in a couple of weeks.

Pixie - in the olden days, it was tricky to phone, and you had to write and post letters. So you knew you were there for a while, and got on with it. One of the few people to drop out of my course lived at home.

I also think schools often sell University as lots of fun, and maybe overdo it a bit. Actually the people who enjoy Freshers most are 2&3 years who are helping out. It is far too stressful as a Fresher. I have read several novels recently which discuss the misery of the first term or first year.

The best thing you can do is to tell him not to contact you unless a real emergency for a bit. Or just wait until he stops contacting you, which is when you will know he is settling.

He also shouldn't be waiting yo be set work, but should use his textbooks etc. to try to get ahead. Work on his own.
Even subjects like Engineering and the Sciences are about self directed learning. Nowadays he has masses of resources available to help him (eg. Online lectures etc.).

Pixiepotter we have a different approach than mummtime. We phoned and texted DD3 a few times in the first couple of weeks and said she could phone us anytime she wanted to ( well not in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency). This has worked well for all of us. Phone calls are not so often now. We haven't spoken on the phone since Sunday, I'll probably phone her tomorrow. We did gave a text conversation yesterday. She has a day off today her flatmates have all got lectures. She says she's fine with this as she has work and revision to do during the day and she is going to a quiz at the SU with them this evening.

pixiepotter when I read your OP, it felt like it was me writing about DS2 as he is going through exactly the same experience.

He is a natural introvert (like me) and not a drinker (unlike me ) and found freshers week really difficult. He did go out one evening with his flatmates and was quite happy sitting with a soft drink, really enjoying the company, but around 12.00 the "serious" drinking games started and he was constantly asked what was wrong with him as he wasn't joining in. He rang me the next day quite upset but I have encouraged him to not try and be something he is not. He doesn't like clubbing at home, why would he enjoy it at uni?

He has joined a few societies; debating, film society and tea-drinking society and has enjoyed them very much and started to settle.

I am sure your DS will do the same soon