Uni students living at home- any experiences?

[schoolchauffeur]

DD in year 12 is just starting to look at Uni courses to apply for later this year and has been having careers advice/profiling at school etc. She has found a fantastic course which she really wants to do, it's quite unique and is only offered at one or two places in the country, but the best one is at the uni nearest to our house about 15 miles away. This is where I need the MN experts help. When DH and I went to uni ( where we met) part of the whole experience was moving away from home and learning to be independent. If DD does this course we live too close to the uni for her to be allowed to use uni accommodation so she would either have to live at home or rent somewhere in the city privately. She is fine with living at home ( says it will save us lots of money!) but I wonder if anyone has any experience of this. Does it work? How can you get them to learn financial independence? What sort of rules/household arrangements have you put in place? If DD does this she will have no tuition fee to pay as in Scotland, won't qualify for a grant or loan so not sure how to decide what to do re money? She can probably get a job either near us or in the city to earn some money herself. What are the pros and cons of your DD/DS being at home as a uni student?

My brother did this and got nothing whatsoever out of university other than his degree.

He didn't grow up, didn't make friends, didn't develop the confidence to use his degree to get a graduate job. He still lives at home 5 years later.

I also knew two girls while I was at uni who did this. They found it hard to integrate into the community and make friends. They were genuinely outsiders to the uni experience.

Although saying this, I have no doubt that living at home is becoming more common.

Even if she can't get into uni accomodation, I would have thought the accomodation office would be able to help her get into a shared house? Might be worth pursuing.

Good luck whatever you decide. :)

My DD has done this, the best course was actually at uni near us. It was a mistake to let her and I regret it. Yes she gives me some money every month out of her loan, but she has not grown up either. She doesn't need a job as her loan is enough as she lives at home. She goes to uni and comes straight home, she has not mixed. I am in the position of wanting my daughter going out.

If you let her stay, don't let her just be at home, make her get a job. My daughter is still like she was when she was in school, she is 20, all that changed was she went to a different building. I have told my son he cannot stay if he wants to go to uni. I don't know how to help her grow up. If your child is already outgoing and has lots of outside interests it might be fine but my experience has been negative, I want her to live in a house with friends for her last year but she doesn't want to.

Are there any private halls which don't have restrictions on who can stay there? Opal, IQ And Unite are the big ones round here.

Thanks all for your messages so far- some interesting things to think about. She is not very outgoing -more quietly confident, but she has a lot of friends locally( she is away at boarding school) some of whom may be going to uni in our city and she already has a part time job lined up for the summer which she might be able to continue into next summer and into uni time ( its relevant to her degree) which would give her some independence financially.

We do also have a sort of garage/outbuilding thing which we do have the option to upgrade and turn into a sort of self contained flat- might be a stepping stone for Year 1 until she gets to make some friends and then line up a flat once she has met some people she would like to share with. Anyone done anything like this?

We do have a Unite halls in town but actually it has been located to be much nearer to the other university in town and getting to the one she wants to go to from there will be almost a bigger pain than doing it from here where we are on virtually a direct bus route. I will show her your views.

Would be nice to hear from someone who has had a positive experience of student living at home?

My DD did this - the best course for her was at our local university (it was only taught in two places). It worked really well and, for her, I feel she got more out of the experience than if she had gone away. I told her that in Fresher's Week she had to talk to lots of people and (for once) she took my advice and she made a lot of friends (both male and female) very quickly. This meant that when there were events which ran very late she could, if she wanted, stay on campus until the morning. She got elected as a year representative one year and also had a part-time job (on campus) for part of the time. Near exam time living at home ensured my DD had the peace and quiet she liked for revision - she never did like too much noise.

My DD was always quite good with money and budgeted within the money she had very well. We just carried on with the normal household "rules" we had before - e.g. phone to let us know where you are if you are unexpectedly late, phone to be picked up if you don't feel it's safe to get home any other way, etc.

I've just asked my DD if she had any advice for someone living at home during university and she said tell your DD to make lots of friends so she has floors to crash on if necessary and she won't miss a thing!

You could let you DD start at home - if you feel it isn't working after the first year then you could look at private renting for the second and subsequent years. I suspect if she starts at home you'll find that it works really well.

My DD2 lived at home with a 30 mile commute. The English degree has so few contact hours that she even kept her part time job near home. I paid for her driving lessons and first car. She took out just 1 student loan to repay me and she also kept her friends who had not moved away (most of them).

This worked well even though DW died during her degree.

Thanks for that Flaming Toaster. Sounds as if it worked really well for you and your DD. I think it could work for my DD. What did you do about money etc? I was thinking about things like making meals etc If she were away at uni we would have to give her an allowance/she would get a job/mix of both etc ( she won't qualify for anything by way of loan/grant) out of which she would have to fund her food/transport/basic needs/going out etc. I think that is a really important part of growing up- how did you manage that? And things like laundry. contributing to household tasks etc?

What's the main motivation for considering staying at home?

Is it simply the availability of the course and the consequent convenience? If so, she may well be fine. I know a fair few students living at home and many of them live very active student lifestyles, get involved with everything and have made plenty of friends.

However, I do also know plenty who have stayed at home because they didn't want to leave hme, and it is these that have led insular lives, coming in only for lectures, who don't even know where the union is or anything that happens.

So, basically, it works for some but others need the kick to grow up and take on some independence.

I do agree that she would miss out on a big part of the uni experience if she lived at home, but consider the monetary saving she could make. If she keeps her part-time job she will only have the debt from the course fees instead of the thousands that most will have from their living costs + course fees. From this September, with the increase in fees, most students will leave with a debt of 35k+.

As Flaming says, make sure she gets involved in groups outside of her course and has lots of friends whose floors she can crash on. Tell her that she is not tied to coming home and as long as she sends you a text so that you know, you are quite happy for her to be out all night.

As for the cooking and budgeting thing - those young adults that don't go to university at all manage fine when they first move out of home, it may be a steeper learning curve for them, not having the buffer of going home to parents in the holidays and having uni staff that they can call on for advice., but plenty do it.

My eldest 2 went away (a long way!) to university. Cost a lot in time and money taking and fetching which was made worse for us because we also had 2 toddlers in tow.
The next 2 DC have gone straight into work so have stayed at home. One moved out having saved a deposit on his first home at 23. The 18 yearold is still at home. Both managed to make new friends, get drunk and do everything young people do. Not going away as not held them back and they will have no student debt.
We still have a 16 and 15 yearold at home. The 16 year old is planning to go to university and he is looking more local but in the end it will be his choice.

Three of my nephews have gone to local universities (8-12 miles from home). They got places in halls ib the first year but I'm sure they had to wait a few weeks for rooms to become available and that was unsettling for them. All did the usual student share in year 2 but at least 1 moved back home for the last year. The others moved away for a work placement. One reason they stayed local was so that they could continue playing sport locally.

I am not convinced of the importance of the 'going away' maybe because I didn't do it!

We gave DD an allowance from which she paid her travel to and from university, meals on campus (the Union bar did lunches and she spent a lot of time there since it was one of the main meeting places for everyone each day), clothes, books, cinema, balls etc. She has always helped with meal preparation, hanging out or bring in washing etc. and I didn't add to what she was expected to do - she just continued to do what she had always done prior to University (when in at the right time!). I continued to do her washing - it wasn't a conscious decision it was just convenient to have full loads when I wanted to do them!

I think it depends also on your attitude towards the whole issue. My dh's step brother went to the local uni and didn't learn a thing other than his degree. V reliant on the parents to chauffeur around, for money, everything. He's since had 2 children and he lives 3 doors down from them. Primarily for babysitting help and general help rather than oh I love mum and stepdad so much.

Her motivation for staying at home is just coincidence-she heard about this course and it just so happens it is only on offer in about 4 unis I think. The course which is by far the best is the one nearest us. Prior to hearing about this course she was all set to want to go off to London so she too is torn.

She is certainly not worried about being away from home as she has been a boarder for sixth form ( her choice) and after the first week or so she has really settled in, made loads of new friends and really come out of her shell so it isn't that she is a home bird.

She won't have course fee debts either as we are in Scotland where there are no tuition fees- she is very practically minded and for her field of work ( post degree) she would most likely work in London and has said she would rather start to saver her money ( and ours!) for when she needs to move for work and get her first real home. In some senses it is a good move as we could save the money we are not spending on her during the university years and help her out with a flat deposit or something later on.

Also if she gets the course she wants she will have to do a term either overseas or away from home doing a work placement in year 3 and there is the possibility of doing a term of study overseas in year 4 which she is also interested in.

Thanks everyone - as ever, very useful input from everyone to think about.

I did this as did most of my friends in Dublin. I would have preferred not to, but financially it wouldn't have been affordable and in any case the best degree for me was in my home town.

I had a brilliant time but yes, it was a definite pain having to get the last bus home and I would have loved to go to university away. I worked abroad every summer to get a bit of independence and worked part time during term time. My parents just let me get on with it for the most part.

On the plus side, I left with an excellent degree and no debt. If she's not mollycoddled at home, there is no reason she can't manage "real" life when she leaves. Better a degree in something she likes at home than doing something less suitable just to get living away experience.

Also, check what the university offers for home students (and those in private accommodation). Mine has a society for freshers not in halls which organises their access to freshers week, general events throughout the year, balls etc. They also offer a buddying service to try and match up people who live close to each other for taxi/lift shares. This is then followed by a Home Association after the first year. I know several people who have been very actively involved and taken on committee positions etc. The society is treated and run in the same way as the halls committees by the union and the university.

However, I understand that the society at my uni is substantially more active than in other places and so it may be worth checking out what's available for freshers who don't live in halls for the first year.

Both mine went away so no personal experience but DSs friend did this for various reasons and now they have graduated he has said that he really wishes he had either gone away or gone straight into work. He feels he missed out on the best bits of the uni experience.

I did this and I did integrate into uni life; slept on the floors of friends and enjoyed treating my parents home as a hotel! However, despite 2 very good universities close to us (which both do the course my ds wants to study) I am encouraging him to move away and make the most of his time before he gets tied down with work/family etc.

He has decided that he only wants to be about an hour away from home so he can easily drop his washing off but still far enough away to fully experience university life and everything it has to offer.

My DD would be a 20 minute bus ride away from campus with buses til midnight so not too far away and if she were out in town easy to pick up buses until midnight too which stop outside the front door so living at home could still allow her a social life.

So it seems that the consensus is for encouraging her either to go elsewhere ( ie different city) or to go for a private halls ( checked and the uni won't even allow her to apply for uni accommodation - unless we moved house 2 miles down the road!) or try for a flat share through the uni renting service.

Having said I have a friend whose son started at the other uni in town this year and they have slightly different rules who they will accommodate and he got a place in halls in a flat. He has nothing in common with his flat mates at all and has a girlfriend outside of uni so he comes home everyweekend and one night midweek as well so they are paying out a fortune for uni halls he uses for 3 or 4 nights a week at most! The Freshers idea for home students sounds great- I will check that out.

I am a bit bewildered by this and wonder if it is, dare I say it?, a class thing. Where I live a large percentage of students who attend the universities in our nearest city have always lived at home as it is cheaper. It would only be people who didn't get on with their families who would live away from home.

There is just not a culture of living away and to be honest I can't see how it makes much difference in the long run. I lived at home and don't think I suffered at all, plus my parents home was more comfortable than any accommodation I could have managed to pay for without any parental help. (they could not afford to give any money towards this)

Interesting thought karismatik, but I had never thought of it as an issue of class. Are you in the UK? When I was at Uni there were people from all sorts of backgrounds- I was first generation in my family at uni, parents in manual jobs yet I went to a uni 300 miles away from where I lived simply because it was one of the best unis in the country for my course. Mind you in those days had full govt grant, not tuition fees etc and no parental contribution. If that were me now, I would still have to leave home as no uni commutable from home that offers that course.

I stayed at home for my first degree. It was a very good financial decision, I was the only student on the course who was also working part time. But I didn't settle in and enjoy university at all.

I don't think that the students who moved away from home were any more grown up then me - quite the opposite in fact.

Are you sure she won't get uni accommodation? Some uni's offer places to all first years regardless of where they live. Others will put students on a waiting list. 15 miles is a ling way to commute every day. DD1 was in halls that were only 29 minutes walk away. We were happy for her to live at home but she wanted to go to halls. It was very good experience for her and she got a lot more out of uni life than she would have if she'd lived at home.

I lived at home whilst I did my degree. It was a great decision as I didn't leave Uni with debts, I didn't get too distracted from my studies and I had a year abroad anyway - so had the best of all worlds.

I don't think I missed out on anything and am very financially aware.

HI mumeee yes I am sure- prospectus very clear- you can only apply for halls if you live 18 miles or more from campus. My DD knows someone from her old school who lives about 2 miles further out than us and he was denied application to halls last year too-they just don't have a lot of spaces in halls and first years from further away are the priority.

Yep, UK at least for now . Obviously if your course is a distance away it makes sense but otherwise I certainly got involved in all university activities/life. I wonder if those who didn't, and stayed at home, would not have got involved much regardless. 15 miles is a bit of a distance to travel but not much different to many commutes to work.

Good luck to your DD whatever she decides, if she's happy with the choice I'm sure she'll make it work.