Guest Post: "We owe it to our children to be clear about the dangers"

[RhiannonEMumsnet]

Should I let my kids drink alcohol at home? It’s a question that almost every parent wrestles with as their children progress through their teenage years.

“Please mum, let me have a try, just a sip!” is a plea many Mumsnet readers will have heard at a family get-together, barbecue or even when enjoying a quiet glass of wine at the end of a long day.

It is an uncomfortable dilemma to think through. You want to protect them, but you also worry that being seen as too strict and controlling could backfire.

You're not alone in struggling to know what the right thing to do is. Research shows that more than half of teens in the UK who have tried alcohol were given the tipple by their parents.

Almost all those mums and dads will have been acting with the best of intentions. They want to teach their children how to drink responsibly and taste alcohol for the first time in safe, supervised circumstances.

Yet the latest research shows that parental supply of alcohol does not protect kids from potential harm. Far too often, it has the opposite effect.

Handing our children a glass of wine, cider, beer, alcopops or spirits increases the risk of binge drinking, addiction and other alcohol-related harm later in life.

This week, Community Alcohol Partnerships (CAP) has published a report based on a wide range of studies of parental supply of alcohol in the UK and abroad. It shows that every year earlier a child is given alcohol, the greater their risk of long-term harm. They are also more - not less - likely to obtain alcohol elsewhere if their parents allow them to drink.

Alcohol can have serious effects on developing brains and bodies. Children and young people are at increased risk of acute alcohol poisoning. Regular drinking can cause longer term damage to organs including the heart and liver and raise the chances of cancer.

When the medical science is clear, we owe it to our children to be clear about the dangers and not vague about the rules.

Many of us grew up at a time when drinking was seen as a rite of passage. You might feel torn between wanting to set firm boundaries and not wanting to alienate your child. You might worry that saying “no” will push them to drink in secret. You might even feel powerless when teenage drinking seems inevitable.

But it not inevitable. And as a mum, you have more influence than you think.
More than 70% of teens say their parents are their number one influence.

Studies show that when parents clearly communicate that underage drinking is not okay, their children are far less likely to drink. When we set clear rules and set a good example, and talk openly about alcohol, we’re not being overbearing or controlling; we’re being protective.

It’s not just about saying “no.” It’s about fostering a home environment where alcohol isn’t seen as a normal part of childhood. It’s about making sure our kids know they can talk to us about this issue and that we are well informed about how to guide them, not just hoping for the best.

Community Alcohol Partnerships support parents to do that just. We work in more than 300 communities across the UK to tackle underage drinking and encourage young adults to drink responsibly.

We’d love to hear from Mumsnet readers about their experiences of wrestling with this issue and what support they would like to help protect their children. Together, we can work to give our youngsters the alcohol-free childhood that is the best way to help them grow up healthy and happy.

This is really interesting especially since it's so often suggested that in eg France people have a much more sensible attitude towards drinking because they're exposed to alcohol from a younger age. Is that just not true? Or is this a specifically British issue do you think?

I do think it’s not just what you say to children you have to model the behaviour you’d like them to emulate. There’s no point in telling them to just say no when you are necking a nightly glass or two or having regular blowouts of a weekend.

I grew up thinking booze was necessary social lubrication as all the adults drank regularly. I think children are sdrinking less as we are drinking less.

Like a previous poster mentioned, there's a different attitude to this in many European countries that doesn't quite chime with the advice of not normalising drinking at home. Is it different when it's wine at dinner than the parents just sitting around watching TV and boozing? How much does parental behaviour influence a teenager’s attitude towards alcohol, really?

How do I explain to my teen why I won’t let them drink, when all their friends are allowed to?

@Wellwellwellington this is a good question because I have found in parenting that there are many cases like this that don't necessarily involve drinking! It's hard to navigate imo but I've always been clear with mine that just because their friends have something doesn't mean they can. Had this with Instagram. Also in many cases re drinking I bet the parents don't allow it but the kids are saying they do.

Countries such as France and Spain are less permissive/tolerant of binge drinking and drunkenness. It is something of an urban myth that they introduce early and that is protective and teaches sensible attitudes. There is a world of difference between allowing children whole drinks and adding a splash of wine to water to introduce children to the flavour without the intoxicating effects which is the custom in France. And while France may not have a binge drinking culture around 30% of the adult population is drinking at harmful levels. However the low tolerance towards drunkenness is something we could do well to emulate here. My brother has lived in Spain for almost 40 years and has gone native with a Spanish wife and teen children. They and their friends would not allow their teenage children to drink, it is considered an adult drink and it is also almost considered an adjunct to eating and socialising for adults. They find the tendency of British people to drink to the point of drunkenness hard to understand.

I have referred in my previous post to different attitudes on the continent. That last one is a big question - parents are the number one influence on their teens' attitudes towards drinking by quite some margin. Be aware of your influence as an educator and a role model because you yield more power than you probably realise! It's best to try and model the type of drinking you'd like to see (eventually) in your own children and be mindful they will be picking up from a very young age (before 5) attitudes about alcohol. If alcohol is a normal backdrop to everyday life, or is a coping mechanism for how you deal with life, you are passing that on to your kids. Is that the message you would like them to receive? If you want to show your children how to use alcohol safely you need to set a good example. If you are struggling to control your own alcohol intake, there is support available. As a parent myself I take comfort from the fact that I don't need to get everything right all the time but it's really important to put clear boundaries down on the important things and alcohol is a big one. I was surprised recently at the admission by my now 20 something year old daughters that they really admired me and thank me now for being clear on alcohol. Actually it turned out to be less of a struggle than I anticipated - after an initial Kevin and Perry huff, they went along completely with the no alcohol until 18 rule in our household.

I entirely agree. It's absolutely vital to be a good role model otherwise your message won't carry much credibility. It's also true that there's been a significant decline in drinking by children and young people over twenty or so year with teetotallers and rare drinkers outnumbering regular drinkers by quite some margin today. That is carrying on also into young adulthood.

That's always a difficult one. It might be worth a conversation with some of your kids' friends' parents to see what their stance is? Perhaps refer to some new advice (our report!) on the clear evidence of the risks. Ideally parents coming together and saying no together will be much stronger - but explain that this is not to mean or a killjoy but to keep them safe whilst having fun.
Explain the risks clearly – this is to your child - like the risk to the developing brain, alcohol poisoning in a body that’s not mature and greater likelihood of doing things they might regret or that will cause them harm. Such as poor relationship decisions, regretted sex, saying or doing things that are later regretted.
Explain it’s fine to say no to peer pressure – there is a great Joe Suggs YouTube video out there - on how to say no to peer pressure to smoke or drink
I think whatever your child's friendship group, the fact is that most children don't drink, and most parents don't allow it.

I agree! Something pester power can twist the facts. Most kids will respect boundaries - in fact kids need us to say no to certain things. The fact is that when parents say no to alcohol, over 80% of children will respect that. They might blow off a bit at the beginning but will thank us for it. There is a great Australian campaign about drinking which is delivered by teens and has the strapline "I need you to say no!"