Guest post: "What concerns me about Love Island is the demeaning treatment of women and its effect on those watching"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

As a parent, I know how hard it can be to control what your children watch and the messages they get from the media. In the age of social media and Netflix, we don’t just watch programmes on TV but on our phones, tablets and laptops, often in every room of the house. The premise of the popular reality TV show, Love Island, would make many parents cautious about their child tuning in. Couples are followed by cameras and share beds with each other, with adult themes and language. But what concerns me most is the effect on the children and teenagers who are watching the men’s demeaning treatment of the women on the show without that behaviour being checked or challenged. Before we know it, our kids are growing up thinking that it’s normal to belittle or degrade your partner.

We know that Love Island is not our first point of call for relationship advice. But as parents we do know that children and teenagers look to what they can view on TV and online to find out more about what to expect in romantic relationships.

Love Island is the highest rating programme on TV with around 3 million viewers tuning in every night. We know that its popularity will mean that more young people than ever will be looking up to the beautiful 20-something singles on the Spanish island, and aspire to be like them.

That’s why I was taken by Rosie’s courageous calling out of Adam’s behaviour, and as Chief Executive of Women’s Aid wanted to add my voice to hers.

On Tuesday night, there were clear warning signs in Adam’s behaviour and his treatment of Rosie. It made for uncomfortable viewing seeing him respond to Rosie’s attempt to talk to him about how his chasing of other women was making her feel upset. He trivialised her feelings, blamed her for his wandering eye and smirked, mocking her throughout the conversation. Worst of all, he made out that she is unbalanced by questioning her recall of recent events. Rosie’s response couldn’t have been better. She refused to accept his attempt to blame her and called out his behaviour as simply unacceptable.

Domestic abuse does not happen in a cultural vacuum. Violence against women happens every day to women on the street, at work and even in their own homes. There’s a clear link between the ‘everyday sexism’ women put up with on a daily basis and the sexual harassment, assault and domestic abuse that women overwhelmingly experience.

Many women watching the show will recognise Adam’s behaviour as something they have experienced in their relationships. For far too long this behaviour has been dismissed and even normalised as men just “being a lad” or “a ladies’ man”. Yet for many women it will have made them feel demeaned, degraded and upset.

What can be all too easily passed off as “laddish behaviour” actually has a much darker impact. From our work with survivors of domestic abuse, we know that a repeated pattern of controlling behaviour in a relationship is abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse has a devastating impact on survivors; it shatters your confidence and self-esteem, leaving you feeling isolated, confused and living in fear. I know that many survivors of abusive relationships who watch the show have had to switch off after some of the scenes in the villa triggered disturbing flashbacks for them.

That’s why it is so important to challenge this behaviour at the earliest opportunity. In calling out Adam’s behaviour Rosie has started a conversation about what makes a healthy – or unhealthy – relationship. Domestic abuse is often hidden behind closed doors, and is rarely spoken about. On Love Island, everything is out in the open, making it a good platform to talk about the issues. The setting may be artificial but the contestants are real and many of their experiences resonate with viewers. Some of the behaviours on display are exactly those women tell us they suffer in real life relationships, which if unchecked and repeated over long periods have devastating consequences.

This week Rosie stood up to Adam and challenged his authority (“Classic Adam, using excuses, blaming me for his behaviour. He always thinks he has the power”). This was a signal to children and teenagers that expecting respect in relationships should be the norm not the exception. Younger people need the language and tools to call out abusive behaviour when they see it and television can help open up the conversations we want to have with our kids.

Meanwhile, in real life victims of domestic abuse often suffer in silence and ‘victim-blaming’ puts a barrier in the way of them leaving an abusive relationships. We need to stand together and call out all forms of domestic abuse, emotional as well as physical. It is only when we speak out together against abuse in relationships that we will see a change in attitudes in every generation and put an end to domestic abuse.

Katie Ghose, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid


If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in a relationship, call the Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 or visit //www.womensaid.org.uk.


Resources:

Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/
Coercive control toolkit – to help you talk to young people about healthy relationships www.womensaid.org.uk/controlling-behaviour-in-relationships-coercive-control/
The Hideout – for children and young people to find out more about what a healthy relationship if and where they can get support thehideout.org.uk/
Love Don’t Feel Bad – for young women to find out more about what abuse is and where to get help www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/

[Findingmywayeveryday]

He is an adult man on a gameshow! Not a young child whose parents need to intervene!

If he was my child I would be furiously ashamed of raising him to behave like that. None of the other lads in there are being anywhere near as manipulative and crappy to their coupled up partners. He doesn’t deserve to win just because he is tall dark and handsome and he should respond to the abuse claims himself to set the record straight. It’s up to him to redeem himself. If we all turn a blind eye to these things then society continues to mistreat women, disrespect and belittle them.

[Bluntness100]

Exactly, we all know this is highly edited. For women's aid to attack him in this manner they would need more info.

It's an appalling lapse of judgement and as I said, abusive, to label this man on little to no evidence.

[Bluntness100]

He is an adult man on a gameshow! Not a young child whose parents need to intervene!

He doesn't know. He is in there still, So his family will need to act on his behalf.

How can you be ashamed if it was your son, do you not understand h concept of the show and how it is edited?.

[LARLARLAND]

Women’s Aid haven’t attacked him. They have commented on his piss poor behaviour and bravo that to them.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

The way I interpret this article is:

The behaviours he displayed were disrespectful and hurtful warning signs. Women should not be afraid to speak up in these situations. Watching what happened on Love Island can open up conversations my just with young girls but also boys about ‘laddish’ behaviour that is not acceptable

[RunMummyRun68]

Women's aid are stupid then..... it's a few minutes of the day which is shown..... nobody saw the rest where maybe Rosie went batshit crazy and started throwing things at him, or the bit where she kicked off and smashed a hole in the wall.

ITV has edited it to make him look like a bad person

[whatnow123]

Exactly. They pick certain story lines and edit accordingly. It's the audience who are manipulated. Which is why it should be looked at as light entertainment.

They are on an island for 6 weeks and each week more and more attractive males and females come in to try and tempt you away from someone you've known for a matter of days. A sense of perspective is needed.

[RunMummyRun68]

And if rumour is true then ITV are deliberately winding the contestants up....

[Bluntness100]

Of course they have attacked him, they have basically accused him of domestic abuse.

If they had been smart and commented "obviously the show is highly edited, so we cannot comment on the wider context of the individuals here, but if we use the behaviour as an example and extrapolate it, this is the signs to look out for ,,,"

But they didn't they basically state he is guilty of domestic abuse. It's appalling. They don't have the facts. They simply are watching an edited version that could have been edited very differently and shown Rosie to be abusive with all her dramatics.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

We are talking about how young adults/teens view this show. Whether that is ITV or Adams behaviour it needs to be addressed. If the family want to sue anyone it should be ITV for their editing. Not Women’s Aid for trying to help women who may find themselves in a similar situation

[RunMummyRun68]

They are watching and actively looking for 'signs' and 'red flags'

They are ridiculous and showing themselves as such

Clutching at straws.... not cool

[Findingmywayeveryday]

And this is the exact risk you sign up for with a reality show. You hand over all control to editors and producers you cannot get upset about what they show about you. And you cannot get upset about how other people interpret it. Otherwise don’t go on Love Island and stay at home

[LARLARLAND]

You are ridiculous Bluntness Adam was horrible in his behaviour towards others in his house. If his family are upset about that then they should have brought him up better.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

The exact thing happened with TOWIE cast a couple of months ago. Who also signed away their rights to all the edited scenes. There are only 2 options - don’t go on a show, or accept how it ended up coming across to the world

[whatnow123]

I think womas aid are wrong. Adams behaviour of "chasing other women" and "wandering eye". They aren't married. They are on a show called Love Island. Both of those things are a pre requisite.

[LARLARLAND]

That’s not the behaviour Women’s Aid are complaining about whatnow

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Women’s aid are complaining about the way he finished with her

He avoided her - not abusive in itself just twatty
He went straight in for another girl on a Love Island game show - not abusive either, it’s a game

What he did do (edited is not the same as ‘faked’) was try to make out to Rosie that she was the problem and sole reason for being dumped, deny/lie/ rewrite their previous conversations or interactions, laugh at her while she cried and said he never fancied her anyway. While he was deciding he didn’t fancy her, one day after getting a hand job off her, he ignored her and then pretended he had no idea what she was talking about when she asked why he was ignoring her. The more upset and frustrated she got, asking him to be honest and what was going on, the more he used this to Zara/others to point at her and say ‘god look she’s crazy’.

If you haven’t been subject to someone doing this then lucky you. It’s horrible and I know how she feels.

[Bluntness100]

No one is saying Adam behaved well on the very edited clips we saw. Neither did Rosie for that matter . However what is being said is it is wrong for women's aid to judge him on that alone and publicly label him across British media, repeatedly, as an abuser based on those few mins of highly edited clips, when they have not seen the unedited version or even spoken to itv or either contestant.

It takes away any form of credibility they have.

[RubyShooFan]

Wow. The MRA’s crawling all over this thread are making it abundantly clear why an organisation like Woman’s aid is so desperately needed.

Once again thank you for speaking out Woman’s aid and please stay single sex.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

No it doesn’t. WA are reacting based on the current climate in the past year or so of women finally speaking up about abusive or unpleasant situations with men. They hope to use this example as how not to treat someone and how this can escalate into something much more unpleasant. To ignore it and laugh it off as just a gameshow is ignorant, people on gameshows still have feelings

Your misplaced annoyance is with the contestants who willingly sign up to this risk and ITV for exploiting it.

[LARLARLAND]

Why would anyone try to excuse Adam’s bad behaviour? I hate all this ‘it’s edited’shit. We all saw the conversation Adam had with Rosie and we are able to judge that he acted atrociously.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Bluntness are you in all seriousness agrieved with WA for using the opportunity to educate when you should be angry with ITV for exploiting it for ratings?!! They didn’t have to show it. But they did. It’s out there now

I thought you seemed to come across as intelligent but this stance is very baffling

[Bluntness100]

As i said at the beginning I fully understand why women's aid would use love Island as a platform to get their message to a wider audience and to be able to explain to a vulnerable demographic the signs of abuse. No argument from me there.

My issue is the fact in doing so they have publicly crucified this man and labelled him guilty of domestic abuse. There are smarter ways to do what they needed to do without also abusing Adam in the process. Because we don't know the full truth here and neither do they.

It's a knee jerk reaction that's not been well thought through.

[CloudPop]

Very well articulated post from an incredibly worthwhile organisation.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

I remain behind my statement that any misfortune that befalls Adam is due to his own choices and exploitation of ITV. Women’s aid have coupled this with domestic abuse but as a warning sign/flag. Nowhere in the article does it state that Adam is an abuser - that is your interpretation of it in exactly the same way that others interpret the LI editing.

On TOWIE James and Miles had the chance to redeem themselves on camera allegedly making amends, we also do not know if producers have given Adam a warning about his behaviour as they did those 2.

ITV are the ones with the responsibility to edit footage and the buck lies with them for what they choose to air and the fall out of that. Adam has signed away all his rights to editing and also contact with his family during LI, he has taken this risk as an adult. He now needs to face the consequences of all of those actions