Guest post: "What concerns me about Love Island is the demeaning treatment of women and its effect on those watching"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

As a parent, I know how hard it can be to control what your children watch and the messages they get from the media. In the age of social media and Netflix, we don’t just watch programmes on TV but on our phones, tablets and laptops, often in every room of the house. The premise of the popular reality TV show, Love Island, would make many parents cautious about their child tuning in. Couples are followed by cameras and share beds with each other, with adult themes and language. But what concerns me most is the effect on the children and teenagers who are watching the men’s demeaning treatment of the women on the show without that behaviour being checked or challenged. Before we know it, our kids are growing up thinking that it’s normal to belittle or degrade your partner.

We know that Love Island is not our first point of call for relationship advice. But as parents we do know that children and teenagers look to what they can view on TV and online to find out more about what to expect in romantic relationships.

Love Island is the highest rating programme on TV with around 3 million viewers tuning in every night. We know that its popularity will mean that more young people than ever will be looking up to the beautiful 20-something singles on the Spanish island, and aspire to be like them.

That’s why I was taken by Rosie’s courageous calling out of Adam’s behaviour, and as Chief Executive of Women’s Aid wanted to add my voice to hers.

On Tuesday night, there were clear warning signs in Adam’s behaviour and his treatment of Rosie. It made for uncomfortable viewing seeing him respond to Rosie’s attempt to talk to him about how his chasing of other women was making her feel upset. He trivialised her feelings, blamed her for his wandering eye and smirked, mocking her throughout the conversation. Worst of all, he made out that she is unbalanced by questioning her recall of recent events. Rosie’s response couldn’t have been better. She refused to accept his attempt to blame her and called out his behaviour as simply unacceptable.

Domestic abuse does not happen in a cultural vacuum. Violence against women happens every day to women on the street, at work and even in their own homes. There’s a clear link between the ‘everyday sexism’ women put up with on a daily basis and the sexual harassment, assault and domestic abuse that women overwhelmingly experience.

Many women watching the show will recognise Adam’s behaviour as something they have experienced in their relationships. For far too long this behaviour has been dismissed and even normalised as men just “being a lad” or “a ladies’ man”. Yet for many women it will have made them feel demeaned, degraded and upset.

What can be all too easily passed off as “laddish behaviour” actually has a much darker impact. From our work with survivors of domestic abuse, we know that a repeated pattern of controlling behaviour in a relationship is abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse has a devastating impact on survivors; it shatters your confidence and self-esteem, leaving you feeling isolated, confused and living in fear. I know that many survivors of abusive relationships who watch the show have had to switch off after some of the scenes in the villa triggered disturbing flashbacks for them.

That’s why it is so important to challenge this behaviour at the earliest opportunity. In calling out Adam’s behaviour Rosie has started a conversation about what makes a healthy – or unhealthy – relationship. Domestic abuse is often hidden behind closed doors, and is rarely spoken about. On Love Island, everything is out in the open, making it a good platform to talk about the issues. The setting may be artificial but the contestants are real and many of their experiences resonate with viewers. Some of the behaviours on display are exactly those women tell us they suffer in real life relationships, which if unchecked and repeated over long periods have devastating consequences.

This week Rosie stood up to Adam and challenged his authority (“Classic Adam, using excuses, blaming me for his behaviour. He always thinks he has the power”). This was a signal to children and teenagers that expecting respect in relationships should be the norm not the exception. Younger people need the language and tools to call out abusive behaviour when they see it and television can help open up the conversations we want to have with our kids.

Meanwhile, in real life victims of domestic abuse often suffer in silence and ‘victim-blaming’ puts a barrier in the way of them leaving an abusive relationships. We need to stand together and call out all forms of domestic abuse, emotional as well as physical. It is only when we speak out together against abuse in relationships that we will see a change in attitudes in every generation and put an end to domestic abuse.

Katie Ghose, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid


If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in a relationship, call the Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 or visit //www.womensaid.org.uk.


Resources:

Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/
Coercive control toolkit – to help you talk to young people about healthy relationships www.womensaid.org.uk/controlling-behaviour-in-relationships-coercive-control/
The Hideout – for children and young people to find out more about what a healthy relationship if and where they can get support thehideout.org.uk/
Love Don’t Feel Bad – for young women to find out more about what abuse is and where to get help www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/

[HelenaDove]

www.the-pool.com/arts-culture/tv/2018/25/kuba-shand-baptiste-on-love-island-types-and-racism

[Mogleflop]

Has anyone watched the tv series unREAL? It's on amazon prime video if you take a look. It's quite a fun show about the people who make a reality show, and shows ways they manipulate the "stars". (Well the first series was at least.)

Anyone who thinks these things represent anything like reality is falling for the manipulation and editing!

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Round of applause I totally agree with that post

[bringbacksideburns]

I think we are grossly underestimating our teenagers here actually.

My 17 year old son thinks it's garbage and doesn't watch it.
My 15 year old daughter and her friends watch it. They look at the clothes and make up more than anything else.

If they do watch it i think its actually quite helpful in showing the psychological mind games some people can play. And who to avoid. Right from the start my daughter thought Adam was a creep and the programme has highlighted his appalling ways. Everyone can see exactly what he did with Rosie.
My daughter loves people with personality who can laugh at themselves.
It's very obvious Adam takes himself very seriously because apart from his looks there really isn't anything else he can offer. Hes quite dull.

It can also show how some very attractive people have got through life in a completely shallow manner manipulating people for their own ends without actually bothering to develop a wit or any admirable character traits.

The Liverpudlian girl did exactly that to stay in the game.
There are probably about 4 genuine people on there and as the show goes on you see that come out more and more.

Do I think it gratuitous and exploitative - especially with the night cameras? Yes. Yuk.
Do I think younger teens and kids should watch it? No.

But my daughter is 16 soon. She goes to a school full of Adams and she's not impressed by looks alone.

What we should be focusing on is how to improve women's self esteem so when they meet someone like Adam, who plays mind games and twists what they say, who sneers and belittles them, they run for the hills at the first sign and don't get involved.


There are too many women out there who go from one DV relationship to another at the expense of their kids.
We need to teach our young women to value themselves more and not entertain these abusive men
We need to show them that it's not imperative in life to be 'coupled up' if it makes you unhappy and that there is value in being single and in charge of your own life without being under someone's control.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Yes and how is any of this WA fault? Why are they the scapegoats of this? It’s totallh irrational

[Booie09]

I think itv are exploiting these young men and women...where are the same sex couples, people with disabilities and also people who are not all toned and a size 10....every thing is highly edited and manipulated....

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Yes and I think ITV are to blame for exploting potentially vulnerable men and women for ratings, I don’t see how this is WA fault - which is where this debate is going. WA didn’t think of the format, choose any of the contestants or make any money off the back of other people’s unhappiness. WA are clearly using this to ONLY benefit possible victims by criticising some perceived behaviours, not to gain anything financially like ITV or the contestants. I fully understand people not wanting to watch it or enjoy it for any of those reasons. How many million viewers does it have? It’s clearly popular for a reason and actually, if you look at any of the LI# on Twitter the majority I see actually do want Jack and Dani’s to win, are all rooting for Alex and Samira to find love. People actually do want to see others get a happily ever after, I don’t think the majority of the viewers think it’s funny to watch people we can relate to get fucked over in a horrible way.

We also know they are doing it for fame and fortune but there have been numerous couples who got married/engaged and children. It taps into people’s addiction to love and romance more than treating each other like shit.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Its a TV show full of narcissists, trying to out narc each other.

Its always been full of red flags.

[BlueNeighbourhood1]

I didn't see anyone look embarrassed for Rosie when they did the photo shoot? Eyal made a comment of it being hot, so did Alex, you're garnering what embarrassed looks like on someone's face but that's your opinion.

Everyone is forgetting these people are in a villa for 24 hours a day together so one day would equate to about a months worth of dates so obviously things move at a a quicker pace. Rosie was hurt, and was obviously told things by Adam which were never going to materialise.

Can you explain why he didn't sit Rosie down and say he was interested in Zara instead of blaming her actions on his desire for Zara? As prior to that all we'd seen for a couple of days was Adam and Rosie happy together.

[BiggerBoat1]

What an utterly ridiculous post by Women's Aid. What a shame to make such a great organisation look so foolish.

I don't think Adam has covered himself in glory, but he's a very young man in a set up situation that is based on questionable morals. The game is to get off with people and he's certainly playing that game well. Surely nobody believes this pantomime and anything to do with real relationships. I think his "smirking" was because he felt uncomfortable when Rosie was raving at him. I can't see how he's done anything wrong. He's crass and insensitive, but doesn't deserve this abuse from WA in my opinion.

Rosie's behaviour was embarrassing. She threw her toys out of the pram over a man she'd known about a week and then decided to show him what he was missing my staging a little glamour shoot. Most of the other contestants looked embarrassed for her. She is her own worst enemy and she should take responsibility for her own actions. I don't think it is doing her any favours to suggest that anyone made a fool out of her - she did that all by herself.

[BlueNeighbourhood1]

Bluntness - When did Rosie behave appallingly?

I've watched every episode this series and from my interpretation everything Rosie has done has came from a place of heartbreak and confusion on her part. I saw a conversation between her and Adam where they talked about meeting each other's important people outside of the show and she naively believed him enough to become physical with him.

Adam when Zara came in immediately decided she would be his next plaything and began his campaign to get rid of Rosie. If at this point Zara had spoken to Rosie and said her plan, and Adam had sat Rosie down and did the same then this conversation wouldn't be happening. Instead he decided to avoid her and make her believe something was wrong between them and when Rosie pulled him up on it was told it was all in her head being needy and possessive.

The chat they had when he sat and smirked all the way through could be nerves, or it could be what most people believe that he is a narcissist. Point is, he changed events to blame Rosie for his own actions instead of being a man like he claims to be. He did exactly the same with Kendall when he blamed her for not kissing him as much as he wanted as to why he was choosing Rosie.

It's gaslighting, it's making two women now believe it's their fault for something ending. Regardless of if it's ten days or ten years, Adam needs to man up and speak to girls first instead of making them believe it's all their own fault.

[LARLARLAND]

I couldn’t disagree with you more Bluntness.

[Bluntness100]

For goodness sake with the mra crap. We all watched it and there was fault on both sides

And just because you say a woman was also at fault doesn't make you a MRA and quite frankly, Rosie was behaving appallingly. If any bloke I'd been seeing for ten days behaved as she did, I'd have been thinking crazy too.

There was fault on both sides and women don't get to act like overly dramatic divas and we all have to pretend it didn't happen or it's ok because she female.

Utter bullshit.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Do people read any of the other posts? People who saw it for themselves and felt uncomfortable with it have no issue over the fact it’s a game show where you swap partners.

The issue is that during at least one conversation shown he used some unpleasant manipulative techniques to get rid of Rosie, belittle her and put her down to shift all the blame for his choices onto Rosie. If he, like many other love islanders said ‘look I fancy X more and am going to crack on with her’ then Rosie would have been upset but Adam would not be a part of this topic at all. It’s his own fault and that of ITV.

We do not get to choose our children’s role models however hard we try so all we can do is guide them. WA singled out Adam because it was something worth singling out. There hasn’t been any similar behaviour from the other contestants because they seem to treat each other kindly. If Adam sued WA then I would be more disgusted with him taking money that could go towards helping vulnerable women.

He is a powerful dominating man who not only has very good looks and probably quite successful in business, does not give him the right to play with women’s emotions and discard them. Don’t think all of this will hurt him too much, he doesn’t appear to have much of a sensitive ego just a large one. He will still attract women and make money. But if highlighting this behaviour helps young people recognise bad behaviour then it’s a good thing. All he has to do is say sorry and I am sure he will use the bad publicity in a lucrative way anyway

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Not sure what your definition of manky behaviour is! But the problem people have is with the age old issue of a man trying to paint a woman as crazy because she has called him out on his bad behaviour.

We see it time and again on here when a poster has been called mental by her partner for having an emotional reaction to his bad behaviour. Time and time again they try to turn it around, confusing cause and effect, blamin her bad moods for his going off and having an affair etc Basically trying to make her question her own memory of events to make himself look better. Many of us have lived this and so we recognise it.

It has a name - gaslighting - and it needs to be called out so that people can see it for what it is.

Whether or not this makes that particular man abusive is debatable. But that behaviour has rightly been pointed out to be a red flag.

[SilverySurfer]

From the very short amount I've watched, the women seem as manky as the men. Everyone chose to be there, knows why they are there, what is expected of them, so why just talk about the behaviour of the men?

[madeyemoodysmum]

Place marking to read later.

[Eryngium]

Wow. The MRA’s crawling all over this thread are making it abundantly clear why an organisation like Woman’s aid is so desperately needed.

"Won't somebody think of the man's reputation!"

I see we've already reached the part where the MRA crowd start calling WA abusive. How tediously predictable.

[leontheprofessional]

Who lets their kids watch love island I don't because it's bad parenting to let kids watch tv shows intended for adults

It's like video games parents let their kids play violent gore and the label says 18 years and above

I am not one of those parents

I enjoy watching love island but I don't allow my kids to watch it I record it and watch it when they are at school

[Booie09]

Men and Women say what they want you to hear to get you into bed!! How on earth can you really know somebody you just met 10 days ago! They must of seen the show before they went in....

[RunMummyRun68]

Neither would I Lapin

And I still fail to see how he 'manipulated' Rosie.... he didn't. Look at Sam the other night.... he told Rosie he preferred brunettes, then half an hour later he's telling Ellie he prefers blondes. It's a game

[RunMummyRun68]

myrelationship yes it's ridiculous isn't it.... it's how it works

Look at this years ratings.... people who watch every night aren't doing it to coo I've Jack and Dani are they??

As I said, my daughters close friend was on this show 2 years back.... and had a similiar experience with Her coupling. She said it was so heavily edited she barely recognised the incident

[LapinR0se]

Wow I think Women’s Aid have made a massive leap here.
What is very good about all of this is that WA are using the popularity of Love Island as a platform to raise awareness of abuse. I do think that’s appropriate and pretty smart of them.
What is very very bad is their wording regarding Adam specifically. I would not be surprised if Adam sued them for slander or defamation of character when he gets out, and I wouldn’t blame him at all.

[Dumela]

I did watch the earlier ones in 2005? With Abby Titmus etc and I did like that. However, this time around, I think it's just another lot of silly people in it for fame. Pointless.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Women's aid are stupid then..... it's a few minutes of the day which is shown..... nobody saw the rest where maybe Rosie went batshit crazy and started throwing things at him, or the bit where she kicked off and smashed a hole in the wall.

ITV has edited it to make him look like a bad person

Seriously?! You think ANY contestant could have behaved like this and had it edited out? That’s exactly what they’re hoping for! They don’t have an agenda to stitch up a specific person and not another, that’s ridiculous!