Guest post: "What concerns me about Love Island is the demeaning treatment of women and its effect on those watching"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

As a parent, I know how hard it can be to control what your children watch and the messages they get from the media. In the age of social media and Netflix, we don’t just watch programmes on TV but on our phones, tablets and laptops, often in every room of the house. The premise of the popular reality TV show, Love Island, would make many parents cautious about their child tuning in. Couples are followed by cameras and share beds with each other, with adult themes and language. But what concerns me most is the effect on the children and teenagers who are watching the men’s demeaning treatment of the women on the show without that behaviour being checked or challenged. Before we know it, our kids are growing up thinking that it’s normal to belittle or degrade your partner.

We know that Love Island is not our first point of call for relationship advice. But as parents we do know that children and teenagers look to what they can view on TV and online to find out more about what to expect in romantic relationships.

Love Island is the highest rating programme on TV with around 3 million viewers tuning in every night. We know that its popularity will mean that more young people than ever will be looking up to the beautiful 20-something singles on the Spanish island, and aspire to be like them.

That’s why I was taken by Rosie’s courageous calling out of Adam’s behaviour, and as Chief Executive of Women’s Aid wanted to add my voice to hers.

On Tuesday night, there were clear warning signs in Adam’s behaviour and his treatment of Rosie. It made for uncomfortable viewing seeing him respond to Rosie’s attempt to talk to him about how his chasing of other women was making her feel upset. He trivialised her feelings, blamed her for his wandering eye and smirked, mocking her throughout the conversation. Worst of all, he made out that she is unbalanced by questioning her recall of recent events. Rosie’s response couldn’t have been better. She refused to accept his attempt to blame her and called out his behaviour as simply unacceptable.

Domestic abuse does not happen in a cultural vacuum. Violence against women happens every day to women on the street, at work and even in their own homes. There’s a clear link between the ‘everyday sexism’ women put up with on a daily basis and the sexual harassment, assault and domestic abuse that women overwhelmingly experience.

Many women watching the show will recognise Adam’s behaviour as something they have experienced in their relationships. For far too long this behaviour has been dismissed and even normalised as men just “being a lad” or “a ladies’ man”. Yet for many women it will have made them feel demeaned, degraded and upset.

What can be all too easily passed off as “laddish behaviour” actually has a much darker impact. From our work with survivors of domestic abuse, we know that a repeated pattern of controlling behaviour in a relationship is abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse has a devastating impact on survivors; it shatters your confidence and self-esteem, leaving you feeling isolated, confused and living in fear. I know that many survivors of abusive relationships who watch the show have had to switch off after some of the scenes in the villa triggered disturbing flashbacks for them.

That’s why it is so important to challenge this behaviour at the earliest opportunity. In calling out Adam’s behaviour Rosie has started a conversation about what makes a healthy – or unhealthy – relationship. Domestic abuse is often hidden behind closed doors, and is rarely spoken about. On Love Island, everything is out in the open, making it a good platform to talk about the issues. The setting may be artificial but the contestants are real and many of their experiences resonate with viewers. Some of the behaviours on display are exactly those women tell us they suffer in real life relationships, which if unchecked and repeated over long periods have devastating consequences.

This week Rosie stood up to Adam and challenged his authority (“Classic Adam, using excuses, blaming me for his behaviour. He always thinks he has the power”). This was a signal to children and teenagers that expecting respect in relationships should be the norm not the exception. Younger people need the language and tools to call out abusive behaviour when they see it and television can help open up the conversations we want to have with our kids.

Meanwhile, in real life victims of domestic abuse often suffer in silence and ‘victim-blaming’ puts a barrier in the way of them leaving an abusive relationships. We need to stand together and call out all forms of domestic abuse, emotional as well as physical. It is only when we speak out together against abuse in relationships that we will see a change in attitudes in every generation and put an end to domestic abuse.

Katie Ghose, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid


If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in a relationship, call the Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 or visit //www.womensaid.org.uk.


Resources:

Freephone 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid in partnership with Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/
Coercive control toolkit – to help you talk to young people about healthy relationships www.womensaid.org.uk/controlling-behaviour-in-relationships-coercive-control/
The Hideout – for children and young people to find out more about what a healthy relationship if and where they can get support thehideout.org.uk/
Love Don’t Feel Bad – for young women to find out more about what abuse is and where to get help www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk/

[Canshopwillshop]

@findingmywayeveryday - totally agree with you. I also watch with my DD and we discuss all the issues raised. I think it’s a great way to talk to her about what’s right and wrong in relationships, also how much nicer the girls look without their ton of make-up and fake eyelashes.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Adam is playing the game

This is how they are supposed to act in order to win

He apologised to Rosie a few times. The girls all know the idea behind the coupling when they go in

RunMummyRun68 I think you’ve missed the point a bit. Nobody is saying he shouldn’t have chosen Zara, that IS indeed the point of the game.

The gaslighting is the way in which he turned it around and pretended Rosie had put him off her with her ‘crazy behaviour’ when actually she was cross with him BECAUSE of the Zara situation and the way he sat and smirked at her while she told him how upset she was, then picked her up on her body language and tone rather than acknowledging what she’d said. Deeply unpleasant at best, but for those with experience of gaslighting boyfriends, actually quite sinister.

The rewriting of history when he said he’d never really fancied Rosie was just classic abusive BF material, as was most of what he said.

If you’ve never seen it you’re lucky, it’s crazy-making, then they tell you you’re crazy!

[Butterflykissess]

i dont think adam has done anything wrong.

[Bluntness100]

As much as I respect the views being put forward on abuse, and I understand why you are using love Island as a platform to get those views across, I think that it's deeply unfair to take a highly edited program and crucify Adam for it.

His behaviour may have been giving warning signs, but Rosie's behaviour was equally bad in different ways. The reality is rhis is a highly edited program, and Adams reaction to Rosie looked to be much about unable to handle it as anything else.

So no, for me it's not alright to publicly crucify this man in an attempt to get the message across. Neither party behaved well.

[Bluntness100]

I'd also say these constant attacks on Adam, publicly portraying him as abusive, when you have not seen the unedited footage very likely is libellous and defamatory, and he may have a very strong case to sue.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Rosie said repeatedly that he had said things that Zara hadn’t seen, that had clearly been edited out that gave her the full impression that he was invested and interested in a relationship with her in the future.

From how it is edited you see him give her a lot of reassurance that he finds Zara attractive when she first comes in but Rosie has nothing to worry about. He then goes to the beach hut and says something completely different. He then ignores Rosie to the point where she does begin to behave in a somewhat offputting way, quite confrontational and agressive which Adam uses to his own advantage to eventually call it a day once he has established Zara is interested in him

Even if this is edited to look bad, Dani goes to the beach hut and says exactly what this post says - that he was twisting the situation to put all the blame on Rosie, and it was unfair. Dani saw more than we did and this was her response. Laura also tells him he has been unpleasant and she is unhappy about it. So 2 other girls call him out, and then Sam. Once Adam realised how it appears to the viewers via Sam, he decides to apologise to Rosie, who in all fairness doesn’t understand what went wrong or why he has dumped her because he just ignores her and sleeps on the sofa.

It is all manipulation

[Thirtyrock39]

There have been some really positive role models for women in love island throughout the years. Sophie who sadly died this week was really critical of the slut shaming of a woman character and the strong, confident women have always been the most successful and popular characters
And who can forget Camilla making Jonny look a total idiot for saying feminism had gone to far

[GinPink]

@Bluntness100 what did Rosie do wrong...?

[Findingmywayeveryday]

I think Eyal was edited unfairly and pitted against Alex as being manipulative when it wasn’t the case.

As other islanders have criticised Adams behaviour in exactly the same way I am not simply judging his character on bad editing. We saw it and so did they, and they didn’t like it very much either

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Rosie was confrontational and can be aggressive. I actually do understand why he decided that she wasn’t right for him based on how she reacted but he was very manipulative and gaslighting.

I have watched other series of Love Island and seen men/women have difficult conversations about how they don’t feel the same way anymore/want to move on in a respectful and kind way. Adam is incredibly immature even though he looks about 35, and made some serious errors of judgement. If that helps even one girl to see that this is not ok and you deserve respect then that is a good thing.

You do know you can still respect a woman and treat her kindly even if she is not your cup of tea don’t you Bluntness? Even if she is horrible in her own way she didn’t deserve to be humiliated like that at all.

[Bluntness100]

Rosie was a complete bitch to Zara, saying she'd never be her friend, then being all huggy with her and trying to put her off, then trying to get Adam back with the ridiculous photo shoot, she also snogged Adam five mins after he ended it with Kendall where she could be seen. In addition she started kicking off with Adam well before he made a decision, and then on top of that, this is a relationship that is ten days old, and she acted like her forty year marriage had ended.

Quite frankly if someone I'd known for ten days behaved as Rosie did I'd probably have smirked too, with nerves. It's not easy to handle, especially not at 22.

I don't think Adam behaved well, but I think publicly labelling him as an abuser is shocking from women's aid, and holding Rosie up as a shining example of women is just as bad,

sure use it to teach some lessons, but to publicly ruin this mans reputation on the basis of a few highly edited clips, is awful from women's aid.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Ok breaking that down:

Zara was not particularly friendly or pleasant to Rosie either, immediately taking Adams side from the moment she arrived and colluding in little conversations with him that Rosie was an insane banshee. Zara did not attempt to make friends with the other girls at all when she entered, and this caused a mistrusting atmosphere added to by Adams immediate withdrawal from Rosie.

Rosie has not had the opportunity to watch Adam do this to another girl previously in the same way Zara had. When she entered she knew Kendall was coupled up with him but Adam immediately made it clear to Rosie it wasn’t going anywhere and Kendall was friend zoned. She snogged him in front of Kendall on the basis that she didn’t really know if Kendall even really liked him. She didn’t behave well but Adam chose to choose her to couple up with sending Kendall home which was not Rosie’s choice

Rosie also said if she was at home she would get all glammed up with her friends and go out and have fun to wash the man out of her hair. She was unable to do this because stuck in the villa so multiple girls came up with the idea to cheer her up and make her feel better, Rosie knew she had lost him and wanted to feel attractive. I don’t judge her on that, so what?

In 10 days they spend 24 hours a day together which every single islander admits feels like 3 months. So that argument is stupid. Rosie felt like Adam had feelings for her based on what he said. She was having fun and developing feelings for him. People fall in love all the time on Big Brother or Love Island so it isn’t just Rosie being an idiot

[LARLARLAND]

I am pleased that WA are commenting on LI. Adam has acted very badly and it’s important that people are able to see that so they can avoid it in their own lives. He acts very attentively towards his intended target (victim as one of my DS describes them) then gets bored or worried when they seem to want to spend time with them. Then he discards them without a moment’s thought and manipulated them into thinking it’s their fault. He only has himself to blame if people think badly of him when he leaves the villa.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Some quotes from Rosie

[whatnow123]

In real life does anybody ever tell the whole truth, when ending a relationship. Especially when things end poorly.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

In real life does anybody ever tell the whole truth, when ending a relationship. Especially when things end poorly yes I would tell the brutal truth rather than lie to their face that Black was white to make me look better.

This isn’t about how he said he liked Rosie and then changed his mind, it’s that he’s tried to rewrite history and make her out to be the liar and worse, make out that she is crazy and was acting strangely for no reason.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

I think it comes with maturity to be confident in handling yourself when you have to continue to share a house with the person you dumped and it’s on national TV. But yes I do tell the truth as do many other people or at least I act with dignity and respect for that person and their own feelings. That’s what Rosie was so upset for, it wasn’t that he was dumping her it’s how he dumped her.

[Findingmywayeveryday]

There is also an underlying element of slut shaming in this: one reason Adam uses for his switch is that Zara plays hard to get and is ‘classy’. Rosie clearly felt that he got what he wanted from her and moved on, when a new woman came in who was more ‘girlfriend material’ than Rosie. I think he’s made her feel slutty and dirty for being an outwardly sexy woman who wasn’t afraid to express her sexuality. But he had already switched from Kendall who wanted to take things slow and felt pressured into affection/being sexual.

So he is subtly manipulating women by making them feel bad about their choices - whether this is to hold back or be more forward!

[Bluntness100]

In 10 days they spend 24 hours a day together which every single islander admits feels like 3 months

They are not one on one, in fact other than in bed, very seldom even alone. I get it feels like longer. But even if it felt like three months her reaction was overly dramatic.

Bottom line is it's fine to use both as an example, but not to label Adam publicly and repeatedly as an abuser based on very limited and highly edited tv show clips. If I was his parents I'd be seeking legal advice right now to put a stop to Kate's libel and if I was kate I'd be seeking legal advice fast.

She can't rely on this being some skint 22 year old who can't fight back. This guy comes from a very wealthy family, his father is a property tycoon and Adam didn't want it mentioned on the show , and they are a close family. No way would I let my child be publicly labelled an abuser across the british media in this manner based on some few clips on a tv show.

It's not ok for women's aid to do this, and I'd go as far as to say by repeatedly insinuating this man is an abuser and holding him up as one to thr British public they themselves are being abusive towards him.

No one is behaving well in this situation, neither Adam, Rosie or women's aid. You simply cannot attack someone like they are him, not with out further evidence.

[RunMummyRun68]

It's very very 'edited'

You don't know the truth of what happened

And I know this as DD's friend was a contestant on it! She's done well off the back of it too

I won't spend too much time feeling sorry for Rosie or hating Adam! It's edited to look a certain way

[LARLARLAND]

Adam should sue for libel? I have heard it all now...

[Findingmywayeveryday]

Adam chose to go onto this show, and has signed himself up for it in a contract. He has then chosen to behave how he has, which IMO is immature manipulative egotistical sexual power games to win £50,000 which is unfortunately a product of our modern society.

The fact that people may not like what they see and are able to comment on it is not libel. He has the choice now to redeem himself to the public. Also this is not a legally protected factor in discrimination like race or gender.

There are many ongoing claims on the media of misconduct, abuse (sexual and of power) at present by many different women - do they all have to provide ‘evidence?’. Does Harvey Weinstein have basis to sue if the women do not provide full documented footage to their claims?

Rosie is not claiming abuse. ITV have aired sections of a show for good ratings which unfortunately make Adam look terrible. If there is anyone his family could sue it’s ITV. I doubt under his contract he would be able to anyway.

[whatnow123]

MyRelationshipIsWeird - How do we know, we watch 45 minutes highlights per day, of that 7 minutes per day on Adam and Rosie.

If he was brutally honest he would be hated as well. It's a TV show

[Bluntness100]

Yes, if it was my son, I would. This is a highly edited show that shows clips of behaviour that can be misconstrued.

Women's aid are publicly and repeatedly insinuating this man is an abuser. This is something that will follow him around for a long time. And quite honestly none of us, inc women's aid know if it's true, you simply can't tell as not enough info provided.

No fucking way I'd permit my son to be publicly branded an abuser based on that show and if I had the money, as is family do, I'd be putting a very big stop to it immediately.

You simply cannot attack someone in thr manner they are with little to no evidence. It's not ok.

[whatnow123]

Put it this way. With a bit of clever editing everyone would have opposite opinions.