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Guest post: "I don't want my daughter to be the 'token black girl'"

91 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 23/08/2016 09:57

In the summer of 2015, my three-year-old daughter Riley-Ann's request each day when she came home from nursery was the same: to have long, straight hair like her teachers, friends, and favourite cartoon characters. When this first happened, I stayed silent, thinking it was a phase that would soon pass. But she kept insisting on wearing a hat, and kept asking for different hair. I was surprised: I'd always made a conscious effort to tell her she is beautiful and surround her with a diverse range of books, dolls, family and friends.

I told Riley-Ann that her curly afro hair was beautiful - but this didn't work. One day, her request changed: she didn't ask for straight hair, but for white skin. She said she didn't want to be brown any more.

My heart sank, but I was careful not to react. I felt sad - angry, even - at what she was saying. I knew that just telling Riley-Ann to recognise her inner and outer beauty wouldn't work. I needed to show her that there were children out there that looked like her.

Step in, Annie. In the latest remake of the film the lead is played by the young black actress Quvenzhané Wallis. I thought to myself, if this doesn't work, I don't know what will.

I put the DVD on and walked into the kitchen, hoping this final attempt to get Riley-Ann to see the beauty of her natural hair and skin would work. Five minutes into the film - before the first song had even ended - she ran into the kitchen screaming "Mummy - take out my plaits." Grabbing me by the hand she pulled me into the living room and again asked me to remove her plaits. So I did. I took out every single one of those small plaits with beads on the ends that I had only just put in the day before.
Halfway through the film, I finished undoing her hair, and Riley-Ann immediately jumped up. "Mummy, look - Annie is beautiful... I am Annie and Annie is me. She LOOKS LIKE ME." For the first time, I truly understood the power of positive reflective imagery for children.

In her role as Annie, Quvenzhané Wallis had inspired Riley-Ann to embrace her natural hair and beautiful brown skin. To Riley-Ann, she was a superstar, the first young black girl with naturally curly afro hair that she'd seen on screen. My daughter saw herself in Annie, and felt empowered and inspired - so much so that the film was stuck on repeat for the rest of the weekend. I didn't mind, though, because my child fell back in love with the hair that grew out of her scalp and her dark brown melanin skin.

Riley-Ann had aspirations to be like Quvenzhané Wallis, and she was already modelling at this point. The agency treated her well, and offered her lots of jobs - but I quickly noticed that ad campaigns will often only feature one child of colour. Riley-Ann became the token black girl and I didn't feel comfortable with this. What about all the other little beautiful black girls? I wondered.

A lack of representation doesn't just affect children; it affects their parents too. When TV screens and billboards are populated almost entirely by white children with a token ethnic minority child, it can feel like we're not getting anywhere in our fight for diversity. I reached the point where I couldn't bear for my daughter to express any more negativity about herself, but I couldn't just sit back and complain - I had to do something. As a freelance producer, I have the skills to be a change-maker. So, I set up Looks Like Me talent and model agency. We aim to increase inclusivity, visibility and employability of Black and Minority Ethnic children in the creative sector and advertising, offering casting directors diversity when selecting artists or models from Black and Minority Ethnic backgrounds.

Redefining beauty with Looks Like Me, we can create an industry where black children are the norm, rather than token additions. Perhaps then, it won't take an 'Annie moment' for other little black girls to realise they're beautiful.

OP posts:
Mjingaxx · 24/08/2016 18:22

I understand Very well lost

You took that comment out of context....
You said that some women are wearing weaves to transition from chemically relaxed hair. I am saying that those nuances do not effect the view that children see....most are wearing weaves/don't have natural hair

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 24/08/2016 19:33

Your last paragraph is spot on LostQueen

wombattoo · 24/08/2016 19:34

I felt the same when I was a child. I am mixed race. I used to cry and beg my DM, was who white, to swap skin colour and hair with me. Other than my siblings, everyone I knew was white.

In adulthood I am comfortable in my skin. I have shoulder length, curly afro hair which I usually wear naturally. I sometimes have it blow dried straight and the difference in the way I am treated is incredible. I may as well be invisible when it's curly but I wouldn't change it.

Hair is very important but I am comfortable with it either way. (and would never wear a weave)

Dustpan · 24/08/2016 20:05

Am so sad to hear of the stories in this thread about young girls hating their Afro hair ... As a white person I agree I probably can't understand the experience of being a 1 in 5 minority. However I do remember, as a young girl, desperately wishing I was Asian-looking, because I thought the girls with saris and dark eyes were the most beautiful around. I had an obsession with Princess Jasmine ... But maybe this was just fixating on a (non-white) version of "beauty" because I felt like an ugly (white) duckling ...

drspouse · 24/08/2016 20:15

The thing is, Dustpan, you have loads of white models in magazines and princesses in films to look at. It's not really about wanting what you don't have. It's about wanting what the media is telling you is the way to be beautiful. If they tell you 10 times that Cinderella, Ariel, Snow White etc are beautiful then once that Jasmine is beautiful, just like "knowing" boys don't wear dresses because you've never or hardly ever seen them, you as a small child "know" that white is more beautiful.

funkky · 24/08/2016 22:03

We should accept the fact that black hair's beauty is in its versatility and stop the usual tag along view if white people rock their own hair, we must do the same. I can rock an Afro today, plaits tomorrow and a straight weave ( yes weave!) the next day because I CAN and not feel guilty bout it because white people are stuck with less versatile hair.
My most eye opening moments are everytime I change my hairstyle to work, the non blacks marvel that I can just change it but it is sad that blacks feel they should only rock their hair natural BECAUSE that's what other races do. Very sad view that portrays our insecurities rather than celebrating our diverse ness and blessed versatile hair. If Anyone chooses to go natural it should be because they want to not because it makes them feel more BLACK. That's nonsense. I have been wearing a weave before I ever saw a white person in my life!
Wearing a weave ( even a blonde one) does not make me white just like speaking Chinese will never make me one

LostQueen · 24/08/2016 22:17

It's not really about wanting what you don't have. It's about wanting what the media is telling you is the way to be beautiful

This hits the nail right on the head

Rockingaround · 24/08/2016 23:10

funkky has it spot on. My kids are part Jewish. We live in london and I couldn't have it any other way. In her class DD is one of 5/6 "white" kids, the positive impact this has on her and all of the children in our school is immense, as it's not just colour, it's diversity across all levels. If my kids only saw the world the media portrays, they would be greatly short changed. It's because of where we live, our friends and their environment that they know the telly isn't real. Reading this, has made me realise what an uphill struggle it is for parents trying to bestow a positive sense of self and identity in other parts of the UK. What's really positive is for children be proud of their heritage, their culture, their colour and to be proud of themselves as individuals - kind, loving, intelligent, thoughtful - completely separate from how they're on the outside, this isn't so easy when they're not surrounded by people from all walks of life. Great post OP, thank you and wishing you every success for the future Flowers

ConcernedDaddy · 25/08/2016 06:57

I'm a middle class white American and when I was little, about 6th grade, I remember wanting to be black skinned. I was completely serious too. I noticed early on that yall don't have to tan, your whole body is one color. My ass is always white and my legs and arms are tan. Every black friend I got is funny as hell too. I still wouldn't mind being black. My wife says I'm black on the inside

OverlyLoverly · 25/08/2016 07:14

This is interesting OP, we've lived in other countries and my FC have been, on occasion, the only whites in their classes. It was never a problem and I wonder if some of the reason was because they could see so many white faces in the media. They were shocked when we moved to the UK at how 'white' our area is. Confused.

I'm still surprised your DC was so aware of her skin colour and hair at nursery. For her To be commenting on it ever day must have been extremely worrying for you.

Dont you worry that the modeling will make her focus on her appearance even more. I obviously told my kids they were beautiful but I tried not to emphasize it. I didn't want them to think being 'beautiful' was important - it's such a tricky balance.

I'm also wondering how kids who are not attractive fit in. Model agencies tend to be only for 'beautiful' children.

I don't think you should have linked to your business as it undermines the point of your thread and makes it seem like it's just a means to promote your business.

OverlyLoverly · 25/08/2016 07:46

Sorry for typos DC NOT FC etc

jammyjay · 25/08/2016 09:43

Growing up as one of two black children (the other was my sister) in a very mono cultural area of suburban South London in the 70s and 80s my mum told me I used to ask her "when are we going to be white?" I used to always long for long straight hair and saw my kinky afro as a huge hindrance - swimming, playing in the sand and even the nit nurse coming would cause problems! My parents didn't sit me down and talk to me about this but encouraged me to delve into my culture. I still didn't feel comfortable in my own skin though until I went to college.
I am thankful that attitudes are slowly changing but I do agree that minorities are under represented.

NWgirls · 25/08/2016 10:57

OP, rather than consider it tokenism to get some representation in the media, perhaps you and your DD could and should see it more positively (glass half full) and be proud of how she is now playing the role of Annie (by being a model) for the benefit of other children/families.

ishallconquerthat · 25/08/2016 16:31

Can I ask why people say "black and minority ethnic" backgrounds? If you put all these "minorities" together, they become a majority, or am I mistaken? In global terms, white is a minority. It shouldn't be used as the standard, like the "default option."

Why people don't say simply "non-white"?

It would make clear that white is just one ethnic origin, like all the others.

(or maybe I'm missing something?)

EmpressTomatoKetchup · 25/08/2016 16:51

Black and minority ethnic is a term used in the UK to describe non-White people.

EmpressTomatoKetchup · 25/08/2016 16:55

Posted to soon....Advertisers don't create adverts for global markets, they segment them, so if you are BAME living in the UK you might find yourself looking at a lot more white faces in your copy of UK Vogue for example than say, if you were in India looking at Indian Vogue.

Katymac · 25/08/2016 17:02

DD was the only 'non-white' in Nursery - getting them to let her wear a hat when playing with sand was a nightmare
DD was the only 'non-white' in Rainbows - a parent greeted me with "oh I didn't know you were the mother of the little black girl"
DD was the only 'non-white' in school - racist bullying was ignored
DD was the only 'non-white' in junior/baby ballet how you wear your hair in an exam is massively important, using needles to weave in plaits - the teacher told me "it might be an idea if I brushed it occasionally"

She cried when she heard Disney were going to do a 'black' princess - she was 7 or 8 (maybe) "finally" she said

She was hooked on My wife & kids, Raven and other american soaps because they showed her 'non-white' girls back issues of Desmonds were out of her experience

She is now 18 away at college - the lady in the show that told her "black girls can't do ballet" was wrong - her hair is natural (dyes quite red atm) but very very curly - I'll put some photos on my profile later for a bit - she just did a modelling shoot Wink

I moved away from the city to give her a better childhood, but it removed her from daily visuals of non-white people - whether it was the right thing to do or not I will never know

But I am fairly sure some of the colleges she got into used positive discrimination as did some of the schools she went to for her trade when she was younger

drspouse · 25/08/2016 17:24

One of the other nursery mums has two DS, her husband is Indian, she is European. She told me "oh my children are the ethnic diversity in their [village] school, ha ha".

I will not do that to my DC, it is not fair for them to provide an example. I am not particularly a country girl but I cannot really see that it's fair to my DC either.

Katy I know you chose that move for the best of reasons but at least your DD has hopefully seen her dad's family but I still don't think it's particularly fair on young children.

Katymac · 25/08/2016 17:32

It would have been much better for her career if we had stayed in London - but her health (& DH's) have been better in the country, plus the local school in London was scary - language issues were rife

wombattoo · 25/08/2016 18:21

Katy - I have looked at your profile and your daughter is very beautiful. She looks the embodiment of a strong black woman to me. Thanks

LostQueen · 25/08/2016 18:35

"black girls can't do ballet" Shock

Was it another dancer that said this to her?? What an uneducated twit. She's clearly never heard of Misty Copland.

Katymac · 25/08/2016 18:54

Thanks Wombattoo - she is a hardworking poppet Smile

No LostQueen it was the woman selling her the her first pointe shoes - he wind was taken out of her sails a bit when DD's dance teacher turned up, prophesying that DD would be her first girl to go to vocational school & how she had just got her grade 5 in 8 months.....which combined with not wanting to offend a local teacher (who sent hundreds of pupils to the shop.......) made her shut up

drspouse · 25/08/2016 20:27

There are some very ignorant people in the world... But it's more subtle things that are somehow more insidious.

ZimmieMatNurse · 26/08/2016 20:44

My daughter now 25 was definitely the token mixed race child in School and what helped her was when the Spice girls came out, Scary spice had the same hair much to my daughters delight.
They make up less that 20% of the population....SO?!?!? Don't the 20% need celebrating and showing that they are just like everyone else.
LostQueen it makes me very sad as well.
Noeuf..A child may be modelling but she still need to see that the world around her embraces her and she's normal.

maxandmoo · 26/08/2016 20:57

Katy, your daughter sounds fabulous!
For some of those on the earlier pages, I hardly know where to begin!!! Frankly, white privilege appears to be causing vast amounts of brain fog!!
In essence, white privilege is being able to not be seen as "other", and different. As a brown skinned female, it gets even worse, as ideals of beauty are not reflected in your own mirror, and/or TV. You may be considered as (in no particular order) sexy, risqué, exotic, strong, angry, feisty, dangerous, or as you get older the big mamma! (Believe me my hatred for Rusty Lee runs deep) but you/me are never immediately considered to be beautiful, gentle delicate ... Get the picture?? Don't even get me started on intelligence, education, music - no I do not like bloody R and B, why the hell would I?? I am nearly fifty years old, and my teenage years were in the late 70s and early 80s!!
Rant over 🙄🙄