There are probably a few things we'd all wish for our children - contentment, a sense of purpose and commitment, loving relationships, a fierce devotion to their mums - and most of us would put 'confidence' on that list. Not the sort of brittle over-confidence that can accompany insensitive behaviour or selfishness, but a sense of their own innate worth that will be strong and flexible enough to withstand worries about their appearance, their exam results or their Instagram follower count.
Confidence - and its lack - among our kids is one of the many themes that has run throughout conversations on Mumsnet over the last 15 years, so when Sky Academy asked us to participate in their Confidence month we were happy to take part. As well as loads of individual threads, we've seen thoughtful contributions on threads about the government's Body Confidence initiative, posts on various campaigns, and debates about initiatives run by other organisations.
A YouGov poll of 1600 11-24 year olds for Sky suggests that a good one-third feel 'not confident' overall, with a particular trough among 17 year olds (of whom 45% do not feel confident). There was also a difference between girls and boys; two-thirds of girls' confidence is influenced by how attractive they feel, compared to just 46% of boys, and 61% of girls struggle with confidence when starting at a school, college or job, compared to 46% of boys. (You can see the whole survey here if you want to have a gander.)
As parents, it can be an agonising topic: so much of the environment our children operate in seems to be precision-tooled to attack their self-esteem and generally de-Tiggerise them, and there are few things more painful than knowing that your child is feeling miserable. And of course, when factors like exam stress, first relationship forays and friendship struggles all occur at around the same time, things can take a nosedive however hard you try (hello, 17-year-olds - it gets better, we promise). As ever though, a ramble through some threads on the topic throws up some robust good sense about strategies for building up your child. Here's a boiled-down summary of MNers' wisdom over the years (which I'm intending to put into practice post haste).
- Don't critique them for things they can't help or change; nobody can be perfect. If you must criticise (and goodness knows it's hard not to sometimes), try to accompany it with kind, practical suggestions for improvement. Be very, very careful with remarks about their appearance and if in doubt, say nowt.
- As with toddlers, so with teens: 'catch them being good' and praise them until they blush and leave the room. (For bonus points, do this in front of their mates.)
- Few things build self-confidence as effectively as taking on new challenges and acquiring new skills; it's one reason that people tend to feel more self-confident as they move into adulthood (and realise that actually, they can boil an egg without having the emergency services on standby). Lots of MNers suggest drama clubs for retiring little 'uns; Scouts and Guides have the seal of approval for older children; for teens, Duke of Edinburgh Awards schemes get a lot of shout-outs, and first jobs can do wonders for confidence as well as for pocket money. For older teens, volunteering in a field they're interested in can have multiple benefits.
- Let them see you failing at things, picking yourself up and carrying on. Resilience is a skill and it helps to have an example to follow.
- Try never to let your children hear the phrase 'I can't eat that, I'm on a diet'. You might well have good reasons for dodging the biscuits, but an emphasis on enjoying a range of foods, eating normally and enjoying the occasional treat is what most children need.
- Spending unpressurised time with your children, just showing them that you enjoy their company, can be enormously boosting. You may have to log off from Mumsnet for this bit, but I've checked our T&Cs and apparently that is allowed .
- Some people just like a spot of solitude and are comfortable with one well-chosen friend and a pile of books; a quiet child in a family of extroverts might just be trying to get some peace. Self-confidence doesn't have to be about jazz-hands and paragliding. (Although that combination does sound excellent.)
- Don't let them join social networks if they're under the cut-off age, and once they're old enough to join, keep an eye on their activity. Friend them on Facebook, follow them on Instagram, and try to get a sense of what they're seeing. Talk to them about the realities of image manipulation; that sleb's claim that she (or he) wakes up in the morning looking like this may not be entirely true, and not all teens will realise this unless it's pointed out.
- If you want to start a conversation but are coming up against mute refusal, there's the tried-and-tested car technique (lots of kids will open up if your eyes are on the road, not boring into their soul); or use your own experience to broach the topic ('I had a growth spurt when I was 14 - it made me feel incredibly self-conscious.')
- Try not to worry too much about the occasional bout of low self-confidence: they're a part of the human condition for most of us, and growing up can (quite frankly) be pretty rough at times. The key is to keep the lines of communication open, and be alert for normal periods of low mood turning into something more systematic. If you're ever really worried about your child's mental health, of course, you should talk to your GP or to staff at your child's school; you could also check out our teens mental health guide.
Sky Academy uses the power of TV, creativity and sport to help young people unlock their potential, building confidence, communication, creativity, resilience, planning and teamwork, in young people. The initiatives help build practical skills, experience and confidence, harnessing Sky's strengths in media and technology, as well as the passion and expertise of its people. Since launching in November 2013, Sky Academy has helped over 250,000 young people across the UK and Ireland, with a goal of helping one million by 2020. For more information on Sky Academy, visit their website or follow Sky Academy on Twitter.