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Guest post: "After five miscarriages, we found our happy ending"

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 14/10/2015 12:03

It was the day before my 12-week scan that I started to have low level cramps. Very quickly, my whole body was wracked with violent contractions which lasted for hours.

I'd already excitedly joined the 'Due in October' thread, I'd felt a bond with the women I encountered on the pregnancy board. I'd chatted with them about hopes and fears.

But then, the day before the scan, things went wrong. I'd spent what felt like a long first trimester counting down the weeks. I'd been planning how life might change with a baby and adjusting mentally to the fun ahead.

At the hospital, it was in a monosyllabic tone that the sonographer told us our baby had died. We were sent back to the waiting room, amid the smiling faces and scan photos, aching.

The feeling you get when you've spent a trimester with a baby inside you, only to find yourself not pregnant is hard to describe. I missed my baby so much.

Then there was the physical side of miscarriage. I had to wait a week before I passed the pregnancy sac. I didn't look. Later, I met people who had. Yes, there is a tiny baby in there. These are the brutal things people don't tell you.

This was my third miscarriage. I'd had two in my early 20s, before I met David. They had come at a point when I hadn't been planning on children. So, I'd brushed them off and got on with life. What they meant though, was that this was my third lost baby.

I returned to Mumsnet, not to the 'Due in October' thread, but to the miscarriage forum which became my lifeline. There, I found women who were going through the same thing. Talking helped. They were informed women swapping support, information and hand-holding. I found a general lack of support from the medical profession. It was only through talking and asking questions on the forum that I found out who the experts were and how I could go about seeing them.

My newfound friends, some of whom had become friends in real life, were where I found support. It felt entirely natural to be elated when someone I'd never met had a positive pregnancy test or to shed a few tears when another had a miscarriage.

It was around this time I decided to film my experiences and document what was happening around miscarriage.

As a journalist my instinct was to track down doctors who might be able to help, interview the specialists and to map the facts. While I did this, I started to film my own experiences.

It was through the miscarriage forum that I found the expert who would be able to explain why I had lost my babies. It was the place I first heard talk about high levels of natural killer cells. The discussion rang serious bells with me. I arranged to see the pioneer of the treatment for these cells - Mr Hassan Shehata at the Miscarriage Clinic. I took my camera with me for the moment we heard the diagnosis. I had some of the highest levels of killer cells the clinic had seen. We started treatment.

The theory behind natural killer cells is that when a woman is pregnant, her immune system kicks in and sees the baby as a foreign object. The diagnosis is controversial - not all miscarriage experts agree on it - but I had to believe in someone and Mr Shehata's confidence that he could treat me helped me feel more positive.

He prescribed a course of steroids as well as a monthly infusion of intralipids - a soy and milk mixture thought to help dampen down killer cells.

I suffered another miscarriage on the treatment, but, ultimately, I went on to have two successful pregnancies. They were not magical times, all I could do was live day to day, moment to moment. But the fear of miscarriage was with me always - in every twinge and every feeling. But, miracle of miracles, at every terrifying scan there was a heartbeat.

With two lovely boys, Sebastian, three, and Elliot, almost 10 months, we have found our happy ending. But I am aware not everyone will be able to find theirs. I am also aware that right now there are many people on the miscarriage forum searching for answers and needing a place to talk. Occasionally I drop in, to see if I can be helpful. It might sound dramatic, but without the informed and courageous women I met on the miscarriage forum on Mumsnet I might not have had my children. I hope my research would have eventually led me to the right experts, without having to go through another miscarriage, but I will never know for sure.

Lisa Francesca Nand's documentary,First Heartbeat, screens tomorrow night at 10pm on TLC.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week.

The Mumsnet Miscarriage Care campaign aims to ensure that all miscarrying women get the good, respectful, empathetic care that they need. Find out more here.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 14/10/2015 16:27

I had three miscarriages before I had ds. The first one was a very missed miscarriage, so I went into my 12 week scan all happy and excited, only to find that my baby had never actually developed - the delightfully described anembryonic pregnancy.

I wasn't on MN back then, but in the time that I was on the get pregnant, lose pregnancy, TTC roundabout it was an online forum that kept me sane. And then during ds's pregnancy, it was only those women that understood how it felt to worry every second.

jaffajiffy · 15/10/2015 04:37

I too would not have coped without the amazing support of mumsnetters. I've been supported through three miscarriages, fertility tests, hormone treatments, and all the emotional upheaval. Friends and family just didn't, couldn't, understand what I was going through, but on here there were women in the same or similar situations who were knowledgeable, educated, and so, so kind. I know they cried with me because they'd been through it with me. Aftrr my third miscarriage the doctor recommended an erpc under local anaesthetic, and with only a few hours to go I posted on here and found someone who'd had the same only a couple of days before who could answer questions I'd forgotten to ask the doctor or had thought were too trivial. I heard about treatments on here and went for help (another Mr Shehata patient here!) and finally had our DS.

I've been in touch with the same women for over four years now and am privileged to call them friends (some have made it into RL too!) I think MN and its wonderful contributors are an amazing example of technology doing good.
I'll be watching with tissues to hand!

willitbe · 15/10/2015 11:35

After 13 miscarriages, I will be looking forward to seeing your documentary with interest!!!!!

squizita · 15/10/2015 19:31

I also found MN amazing when I had my rmc.
I've just realised there are threads here which literally saved my daughter's life. My issue is/was APS: on medication I carried her well. I don't know if I could ever do another pregnancy psychologically though ... I have pretty bad anxiety. The legacy of loss.

ghostyslovesheep · 15/10/2015 22:25

Just watching your doc - I lost my first and third pregnancies and then lost 3 before my 3rd child was born - never knew why - and thankfully all before 9 weeks but you never forget - what you said about starting again when you should be 6 months pregnant really resonated with me x

willitbe · 15/10/2015 22:51

Watching with my husband, we are both impressed with how real this documentary is in its presentation of miscarriage.

willitbe · 15/10/2015 23:05

Great that the program shows that it affects men too.

But did seem to emphasise the happy ending, which sadly does not always happen. However it is great that Lisa got her happy ending, alongside the others filmed.

LucieHaxby · 16/10/2015 08:08

This is my first post on MumsNet. I joined after watching Lisa's documentary last night because it was so so close to home and I feel like I will be able to get extra support and advice from these forums.
I have miscarried 4 times and although I have been diagnosed with killer cells and I am now on intralipid, I am also now on ovulation stimulation to try and get pregnant for a fourth time.
I thought First Heartbeat was so honest and so real and myself and my husband related to every word and feeling.
Thankyou to Lisa and her husband for having the bravery to make such a horrific time public because after seeing your happy ending you have given me hope and the strength to keep going. X

willitbe · 16/10/2015 10:54

Hi and welcome LucieHaxby, please visit www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2456946-Immune-natural-killer-cell-treatment-when-ttc-or-pregnant-aka-the-17th-pred-thread? this thread, as there a plenty of women there, who understand what you are going through, and can give you support.

nataliebacchus2014 · 16/10/2015 14:01

Hi, I've joined after watching last nights documentary I've had 8 mc in 4 years and got diagnosed with Hughes syndrome 4 months ago. I'm pregnant again now , about 6 weeks I think I'm so scared I've had tummy ache for about 4/5 days had a scan this week there was a sac but nothing else . Im due another scan next week but I'm petrified

MerdeAlor · 16/10/2015 15:51

Good blog Lisa. You've done fantastic work with highlighting the silence and pain around MC. I wish everyone could have such a happy ending as you.

I had 5MM after my first child. Diagnosed with high natural killer cells. The steroids prescribed were 10 days post ovulation each month while trying. Seems those steroids played a large part in me getting extremely sick 4 months in. Two years later I am still disabled and have given up hope of being well enough to TTC again.

I'm delighted for everyone who has had a baby through this method but caution that there are risks associated with steroid use that women should consider carefully and with full information.

eurochick · 16/10/2015 18:07

Lisa! I don't know if you remember me from the pred threads and our email exchanges. I'm thrilled that your documentary is out there. And even more thread that you have your two gorgeous boys. What a wonderful happy ending.

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