'Opposites attract', don't they? So it's not unusual for a family to have one strict parent and one more lenient one. When I met my husband, I was attracted to qualities that I did not have. However, when we decided to start a family, the differences that had brought us together threw up a whole host of unexpected problems.
I assumed that having children would unite us as a couple and bring us closer together, but after the birth of our first child we found ourselves unable to find 'common ground'; we kept falling out over our opposing parenting styles.
Of course, it's almost impossible to agree on every aspect of parenting. Our attitude towards our children and family is formed as much by our individual characters and temperaments as it is by the result of our past experiences, including how we were parented ourselves. Levels of tolerance to 'mis'behaviour, noise levels - even a child's cry – are informed far more by our 'reflexes' than by rational thinking, however much we might aspire to the latter.
I think most new parents find that their style of parenting falls into one of two categories. I'm more of an 'all-heart' parent who tends to be softer and more lenient. I focus on using love and protection as a means to establish and nurture a bond with my children. My partner on the other hand is more of an authoritarian parent. He loves his children just as much but takes a 'harder line', viewing discipline as one of the most important aspects of child rearing. He tended to focus on using his 'power' as a parent in order to instil values and modify behaviour.
This difference forced us into the roles of 'good cop' and 'bad cop'. We felt we had to overcompensate for each other's shortcomings, and so continued to entrench the dynamic. I was convinced that my instincts as a mum and as an experienced teacher were certainly right - or at least better than my husband's - so I kept telling him that he needed to change. In turn he felt blamed, and this made him more resistant to wanting to change. We were both convinced that our parenting style was the right one and were frustrated by the other's perceived refusal to see things 'our way'. It put a huge strain on our marriage, and we were doing our children a great disservice.
I started to read furiously, and I soon realised that what children need more than anything is two parents who have a balanced and considered approach. It is essential that they are able to work as a team, and present a united front to their children even when they don't agree with each other. But how could we – arguing most days by this stage - achieve this?
We desperately needed to get out of blame, 'guilt trips' and other forms of negative judgement. We needed to adopt a more tolerant approach to each other's styles, and try to manage our differences. Easier said than done of course, but I tried to focus on the fact that my partner, just like me, had our children's best interest at heart. He was and is trying to raise them in the way that seems to be the best in his eyes, because he loves them unconditionally.
It was useful to focus on common ground. We both wanted our children to be responsible, self-disciplined and able to stand on their own two feet, and once we'd established our joint aims, we worked together to find some simple and effective parenting techniques that we could both agree on. Slowly but surely, we developed a 'common language'. I lead by example, showing him that there are better ways to achieve the respect and obedience he expects from our children. He discovered that we could save as much as an hour a day in power struggles and arguments with our kids (and between ourselves) by using simple tools. I had him on board.
Things are much better now we can present a united front to our children, and raise them in a mutually supportive and consistent way. Learning to empathise with my partner rather than judging him for thinking differently to me was one of the most powerful and transformative realisations of our relationship. Time that used to be spent arguing is now spent with our three wonderful children. Parenting feels enjoyable again.
Carole and her husband Nadim are co-authors of Kid Don't Come with a Manual - find out more here.