When a couple has a baby everything changes. Obviously. But does one partner giving up their paid employment to provide full time childcare change things more?
Taking the decision to 'stay at home' means that everything about your daily routine, and much of your identity, changes. For me, the loss of financial independence has been one of the hardest things to deal with.
However right-on and post-gender you might think you are, when one partner becomes the sole breadwinner, it can be pretty bloody difficult to feel like equals. The problem isn't so much the lack of cash (though of course this can create tension) but the feeling that it is someone else's cash you're spending.
Of course, for some couples, there is no concept of 'my money' and 'your money'. To those for whom "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" is lived out literally - I salute you. But I'm not quite there yet.
Women of my generation have been taught that we go to school, and probably university, to get a job to earn money. Most of us remember the sweet euphoria of our first pay packet. That heady rush of independence when you realise this money is all yours. If you wanted to spend it all on belly tops or tights with crazy patterns or under-age drinking, then you could. Before we 'settle down' and have kids, sharing everything (everything? Really?) is a foreign idea. I don't think we've been programmed that way.
The age at which people have their first child continues to rise, and, as our careers progressed, my friends (both male and female) and I became increasingly attached to our own money. Sure, some couples had joint accounts, but they were sacred ground for gas, mortgage, council tax; not impulse buys or frothy coffees.
This arrangement tends to falter, though, when one partner loses their independent income. Suddenly, they have nothing, in monetary terms, to contribute to the shared pot. Putting aside the constant source of unpaid childcare and domestic services of course, because you can't offer them up as legal tender in Sainsbury's, sadly. (I could rant forever about the contribution free female labour makes to our economy, but for now let's just say that it's hard to feel truly valued in this society when you're not actually paid.)
When I stopped earning, it took a while for me to realise that if we maintained the 'your-money, my-money' mindset, it would become almost impossible to feel on even ground. However appreciated I am, it's hard not to feel a loss of control, and disempowered.
The logistics are inevitably awkward. Some 'breadwinners' give their partner a bit of money every month - usually nothing like the amount they would be paid if they were actually employed – so they've got something 'just for them'. Or maybe the partner who stays at home simply uses the joint account, whilst the main earner retains their own account and transfers money monthly.
Isn't there something uncomfortable, though, about someone else being able to see all of your purchases, especially when this arrangement only goes one way? You may not actually be under any scrutiny, but, in my experience, it's a recipe for self-consciousness and guilt. "Is this really a vital purchase?" you ask yourself at the checkout. Does it fit neatly into 'for the house' or 'for a child'?
In this context, 'earning a living' becomes a telling phrase; if you're not being paid it is easier to feel you don't 'earn' anything, and that you have to prove your worth in other ways. For me, this manifested itself in repeatedly explaining to my husband as soon as he came through the door why the house was a mess, as if the small child wasn't a big enough clue. I'd hear myself launching into a long and rambling story about why I bought something, too, as if I needed to justify it.
These explanations are almost always unsolicited and unnecessary - but they can be a telling sign that something has changed in how you relate to your partner. Often I felt defensive and beholden to him in a new and unwanted way, and it took me a while to figure out why.
When money has never been an issue between a couple, it is hard to admit that it has become one, or to find the words to talk about it. The British don't really do talking about money - it's considered bad manners - so it's no wonder that any attempt to broach the subject can get a bit fraught. How do you tell your partner you're finding it hard that they are in control of the finances, without accusing them of being controlling?
Arguably, this whole issue is 'just' about changing your mind-set. Whatever the arrangements, if your partner is genuinely supportive and you have enough money to go round, then just stop feeling so bloody guilty. It's easy to say, though. Relationship dynamics are subtle things, and - even if neither of you intended this shift to occur, even if it crept up on you - I think it's important to talk about it.
I reckon that probably, the one-account couples have got it right. How else can it feel like the money truly belongs to both of you? How else can you be equally in control of your family's finances? Many of us have made wedding vows declaring "all that I have I share with you" in one way or another. So perhaps it's time we put our money where our mouth is?