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Guest post: Professor Tanya Byron: 'Please don't feel embarrassed if your child needs mental health support'

53 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 18/02/2015 11:54

"The stigma around mental health means that many children do not get the help that they so badly need," The Duchess of Cambridge at the start of this, the first ever Children's Mental Health week. "This needs to change."

Personally, as a clinical psychologist specialising in working with children and adolescents, I have seen many times how helping children to develop the skills to understand and manage their emotions can change the course of a life. And yet, Place2Be's recent research found that almost a third of parents admitted they would feel embarrassed if their child wanted counselling in school.

As The Duchess points out in , if a child broke their arm, as parents we wouldn't hesitate to get them help. But the story is different when it comes to mental health.

Of course all parents want the best for their children, but admitting you might not be able to solve all your child's problems is really tough. It may feel like admitting failure, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is ask for help.

Three children in every classroom in this country have a diagnosable mental health issue and half of all adult mental health problems will start by the age of 14. That means, if you have a child or teenager who is struggling to cope with daily life, you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of parents out there feeling just how you feel. But remember, without help many of those children will go on to face a lifetime of mental illness.

As well as the age-old problems of bullying, family breakdown, neglect, domestic abuse and bereavement, children face additional pressures, exacerbated by the technologies that at the same time make our lives easier. All this can be overwhelming, leading to issues such as depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders or even self-harm.

It doesn't have to be like this. With support from an early age, problems in childhood can be prevented from turning into something more complex and serious later on. Children need to be equipped with the skills and emotional intelligence to handle whatever life may throw at them. Then they'll be less likely to reach for unhealthy and unsafe coping strategies, such as self-harm or alcohol and drug abuse.

Place2Be works within schools to offer support for children, parents and staff. Currently it works in 235 schools, supporting 94,000 children aged from four to 14. Children who have Place2Be's one-to-one counselling show significant improvement in their emotional wellbeing and friendships, with fewer behavioural difficulties. Teachers report that improvements in these areas have a positive impact on children's classroom learning, and 84% of parents felt it helped their child’s problems and improved their home life, too.

We know of course that parents are only one part of the puzzle, which is why charities like Place2Be are calling on the government to make support services more accessible.

But until then, if your child asks you if they can speak to a counsellor in school, please encourage them to accept the offer. In fact, praise them for it. Because as parents, one of the most valuable life skills we can teach our children is the ability to reach out for help. That one small moment could change the course of their entire lives for the better.

For Children's Mental Health Week, Place2Be is running a special Helpline for Mumsnet, providing information and guidance on children's mental health issues. The Helpline will be open from 10am till 4pm from Monday 16th to Friday 20th February. Please call 0207 923 5595 where one of our children's mental health experts will be happy to talk to you. This is a general information helpline. We are unable to offer individual counselling advice over the phone. Please visit our website for ideas on children's mental health issues.

OP posts:
MagersfonteinLugg · 18/02/2015 23:17

It's not the parents who should feel embarrassed its the sad excuse for children's MH support who should.
CAHMS especially are a joke.

YouAreMyRain · 19/02/2015 03:40

I don't know of any parent who is embarrassed to seek support for their DCs MH issues. I know of stigma being used by children's health professionals as a "reason" to put parents off getting help for their children! A friend of mine had an eight yr old DD with suicidal thoughts. The school nurse (yes, the school nurse!) warned her off from getting a Camhs referral as "it will stay on her file forever" so where is this embarrassment coming from? Not the bloody parents!

My own DD tried to kill herself at the age of six. I wouldn't have been much use as a parent if I had been too bloody embarrassed to get help for her would I? I got her an urgent Camhs referral, it took two years before she got 1to1 therapy. She has recently tried to kill/harm her siblings, so SS are involved and Camhs don't have the capacity for any more specialised therapy and the LA won't pay for anything additional.

The issue is not with parents, the issue IME is not with Camhs, the issue is the bloody funding! Camhs want to help but don't have the resources, it's a bloody disgrace.

I would be very interested to see the raw data for this research. It's despicable to claim that parents are not seeking help for children with MH issues due to embarrassment.

ReallyTired · 19/02/2015 08:13

It does not help that many teachers blame parents for a child's illness. They fail to consider other factors like school or the child's genetics. If a teacher blamed a parent for their child getting cancer to their face then they would face displinary action.

In my experience teachers fail to appreciate that chikdren can experience SERIOUS mental illness. My son was hearing voices and the school would not stop pressurising him about bloody SATs.

DishwasherDogs · 19/02/2015 08:37

Youare, we were warned off seeking help by everyone who had an opinion, but ultimately from people who had no experience of dc with MH problems.

I'm a bit concerned about the opening to this post.

"Child mental health charity Place2Be has found that almost a third of parents would feel embarrassed if their child wanted counselling in school."

The wording looks like a group of parents have been asked to imagine how they would feel under these circumstances, but IMO this does not relate to how a parent would actually feel. You don't know how you would feel unless you're going through it. So this guest post reads to me like it's trying to overcome the stigma and belief of a set of parents who, when it comes to it, aren't at a life stage where this is an important issue to them.

Services for children are dreadful. In my area the waiting time to get an initial appointment with CAMHS is 7 months. Once there, you will be fobbed off for another few months with family therapy, parenting courses which feel like they're designed to try to prove you are a clueless parent, causing the child's problems (like a pp said, parent blaming yet again!)
Family therapy for us meant a very kind lady tilting her head at us and asking gently what we thought we should do X 7 sessions. Sessions were recorded and transmitted to a group in another room, and at the end of each session three other very kind people entered the room and gave a synopsis of the session with a Very Positive Spin on everything said, to give us confidence in what we were doing. We kept going back hoping there was going to be some revelation "you passed, you can now move up to the real help" but it never came, we were signed off and left as helpless as we were to start off with, if a little more assertive and outspoken, which still hasn't got us anywhere. What a waste of resources!

We are currently waiting for this to happen again, but this time we're not so naïve to believe that we're going to get any concrete support, or even any useful suggestions, because family therapy is about us coming up with the answers ourselves, talking through the issues. And that's bollocks. I have no idea how to properly help a 9 year old child who, just last night, was curled up in a ball sobbing because of the way he felt, and begging me to kill him. If this was me feeling like this, there would be options, things I could do, for a start I could see my GP today who may or may not prescribe something, but there would be help there. For a child, there's nothing, even if you manage to access support, it's shit.

And like someone said, time off school is a massive issue. If a child needs time off, their need should be more important than the school's government set attendance targets. Perhaps this campaign needs to reach those who can really make a difference to a child with MH problems, rather than aimed at parents who are likely feeling helpless and angry (but not embarrassed) that we can't get any support for our dc.

Sorry, I may have been stewing over this in the night Blush

MagersfonteinLugg · 19/02/2015 09:18

Dish, completely agree with you there.
CAHMS idea of helping my DS was to take him swimming. I was like "really???" I can take him swimming!
But I went along with this as I was also under the impression that if I co operated ( to not do would have been seen by them as apathy parenting) then the real help would come afterwards.
The swimming trip took place last summer, seen hide nor hair of them since.

YouAreMyRain · 19/02/2015 09:44

Dishwasherdogs, you're right, it says "would feel embarrassed if" not "did feel embarrassed when" so these were questions asked of parents with no experience of the issue! Waste of bloody time and yes, parent blaming again!

elastamum · 19/02/2015 11:50

IMO this campaign is a disgrace and totally unhelpful to the large numbers of parents out there who are struggling to access non existent services for their desperately ill children. Unless you have been there you cannot imagine how hard this really is.

Dishwasherdogs post is spot on. If you ask parents of children who do have MH problems, it isn't embarrassment that is the issue, it is lack of support services.

Time off to get well is a big issue too. Authorities are more concerned about children being off school, and targets being missed than the children getting the help they need.

Ironically if all parents did what Prof Tanya is suggesting they would soon realise that all this help they want to access simply doesn't exist. Hmm

Nerf · 19/02/2015 22:12

Interesting to hear the PM programme on R4 today. Nhs England have done a small (300 ish) scale study and discovered that mental health provision for children and young people is a bit rubbish.

MagersfonteinLugg · 19/02/2015 22:46

Sadly Woman's Hour were still banging on about the parents being at fault due to the embarrassment angle again.

Nerf · 20/02/2015 07:09

I heard that, it was so irritating. Did they interview a parent who was embarrassed as I only heard the interview with the girl.
L

DishwasherDogs · 20/02/2015 07:50

Is there a contact email to Woman's hour? Do you think they'd benefit from a look at this thread?
I don't think one parent has said they feel embarrassed.

Nerf · 20/02/2015 08:38

Try the radio four website?

DishwasherDogs · 20/02/2015 08:40

I've sent a link.

Nerf · 20/02/2015 08:44

Well their Twitter feed gives a clear mixed message - don't be embarrassed to seek help, and btw there is none.
Confused

ChaiseLounger · 20/02/2015 08:44

Woman's Hour just compounding the parental blame eh? Great!

DavidTennantsBeard · 20/02/2015 08:51

I'm incredulous at this, talk about missing the point! there is no counselling support at DC school, should either DC request it. What a ridiculous survey.

DavidTennantsBeard · 20/02/2015 08:53

Ps CAMHS have been fantastic with our DC agree it is not the quality of care but lack of resources, and sometimes poor management, that is the issue.

wannabestressfree · 20/02/2015 08:57

Another one who echoes the need for more mental health services. Two years my lovely DS spent in a forensic unit and yet he is not high enough criteria for adult services. I could weep. Where is our support? ......

DishwasherDogs · 20/02/2015 09:02

CAMHS were amazing with my nephew, but his school attendance had to dip very low before my sil could get anyone to take her seriously. He is very anxious, and the therapist they saw actually taught him techniques to help.
They only got help because he was school refusing, attendance below 70% and sil had been on the phone to her GP every day.

MrsShrek3 · 20/02/2015 09:21

And another one here - can't get help from CAMHS for Aspie ds1, who's 14. The first point of contact us usually a general mh worker who doesn't know their asd from their elbow and can't see past it to understand the issues. Hence we don't "need" support as ds1 comes across as an articulate and balanced young man. Which he can be, but that's only half of the story.

MagersfonteinLugg · 20/02/2015 23:19

I sent R4 an email within minutes of the programme airing but just got an automated thank you. Seems they don't want to rock the boat and argue the discrepancies between RL and La La land.
I have decided that the only way to actually get any support is to go over the heads of the school. May not make me popular with the Head but hey ho!

Lancelottie · 20/02/2015 23:27

Oh MrsHrek, we got stalled by DS himself, who would simply deny to CAMHS (if he spoke at all) that he needed any help.

We weren't embarrassed, we were desperate.

ChaiseLounger · 22/02/2015 19:22

Oh lance I know!! Camhs and relate have both said they can't do anything for ds1.
I have nowhere left to go! Sad

ChaiseLounger · 23/02/2015 16:38

So, is there going to be any response, from Dr Tanya?

InMySpareTime · 23/02/2015 16:44

Perhaps she's read the thread and is too embarrassed to postWink...