Guest post: 'Why the government must make emotional abuse a crime'

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"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

It’s an innocent nursery rhyme that most of us sang when we were little, but it reveals a lot about why emotional abuse isn't taken as seriously as physical abuse. Thankfully we’re on the cusp of a shift in attitude, and it’s time for society – and the law – to recognise that coercive and controlling behaviour can be just as damaging as violence.

There are already laws in place which cover non-physical forms of abuse such as stalking and harassment, but the government is currently consulting on creating legislation that explicitly refers to emotional abuse within relationships. It is essential that they do - emotional abuse within intimate relationships must become a serious crime, punishable by the state.

Too many women are suffering at the hands and mouths of the men who profess to love them – and I was one of them. I survived, but over a decade on, I still feel the aftershock from the psychological terror I endured.

It’s hard to imagine what it’s like have your spirit worn down on a daily basis, to feel that you’re emotionally beaten. I’ll try my best to explain:

To begin with, the man who will become your abuser is your beloved. He woos and adores you. He’s your knight in shining armour. Life feels like a fairytale and you fall in love.

Once you’re smitten, he starts to change. Not straight away – that would be too obvious - but step by step, day by day. It starts with the odd remark and occasional put downs and then turns into endless questions and interrogation.

A few months down the line, you've gone from being the most adored woman on the planet to a woman who cannot do anything right. Everything you do, everything you are is wrong. You start to think it’s all your fault - he tells you it is - so you try and change for him.

You change your behaviour and the way you dress. You stop seeing your family and friends. You make yourself seem smaller, less clever, less attractive and less worthy. You do everything you can think of to make him happy, but nothing seems to work. You’re always longing for a glimpse of the man you loved – and you're hopeful that he’ll appear again – so you keep trying and you keep changing.

Once you've started to lose yourself and your confidence has been eroded, the abuse and control escalates.

Your heart starts to beat faster whenever you’re with him. Not in the way it did when you first met, because of flirtation or romance, but out of utter terror. You know if you don’t do as he says, you will be punished and you will suffer - physically, financially, sexually or emotionally.

You begin to doubt yourself and your thoughts become jumbled. He tells you that you’re crazy and you start to believe him. Any confidence you had has now vanished and you become jittery and tearful. Life is about pleasing him and keeping him calm, because that’s what you need to do to survive.

You are not the woman you once were, and find yourself completely alone. That beautiful, intelligent, confident and independent person has been replaced with someone who is insecure, frightened and confused.

This is how easily it happens. This is why women don’t ‘just leave’, and society’s perception of what this is has to change.

Earlier this year, a report from the Inspectorate of Constabulary found that the police response to domestic abuse is "alarming and ineffective". Including emotional abuse in legislation is essential to improving this situation. It will raise awareness amongst the police force and the public and challenge perceptions – no longer will anybody be able to say ‘she should have got out’, because the months and years of creeping, subtle, non-violent abuse will be recognised and punished. Domestic violence is rarely as simple as one punch, or one slap – and one objective decision to stay or leave following the incident. Coercion and control are at its centre, and understanding this is essential to tackling all forms of abuse.

Of course it will be difficult. Emotional abuse can be subtle and hard to pinpoint. There will be much wrangling over definitions, and test cases, and horror stories in the papers of ‘innocent’ men being charged. But isn't it worth it? We have the chance to legitimise the experiences of hundreds of thousands of women.

As a woman who was once emotionally broken and now continues to pick up the pieces, I'm waiting on the government to make the right decision.

Aermingers there are abusers who use tactics like obstruction to maintain control, stonewalling or ignoring, which is basically a way of getting attention from their victim. It is difficult to see the person thats screaming and nagging as a victim but I would say that they are. If someone repeatedly fails to wash or do the basic things expected of them in a relationship for years and years against the wishes of their partner you have to ask why they choose that route. An abuser would say someone smells when they do not, or mess up deliberately when it was an accident. Non cooperation within a relationship is damaging and exhausting, it wears down the victim and turns them into unhappy people. It really won't be that hard for a court of law to see whether your 'Nagsbo' is a victim or a perpetrator

... but you have to get them into a legal process to find out rather than trial by media based on what the neighbours hear through the wall.

Emotional abuse, bullying, financial abuse, drove me to an attempted suicide.

Please do not judge unless you have been in such a relationship.

It does not start out as such, the abuse escalates.

My ex made our situation so complicated I could not see a way out.

It has to be made a crime.

I was with my Ex since I was 18. He isolated me. I honestly knew no better until I stated to read Relationships on MN... I spent 40 years minimum trying to be the person he thought I should be :(

I haven't read through this thread as I've only recently escaped and it's still raw. I am on strong medication for severe reactive depression and PTSD and have counselling but thank God I managed to hang on while my 'loving charming husband' tried to drive me to suicide or psychiatric ward all the while he was playing the victim card and accusing me.
Women and Men who go through this need protection we cant show bruises and broken bones but it is just as serious and I think so much more common than anyone can imagine.

Very moving post.

That saying sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt is a load of crap. Name calling hurts like hell.

I do not think that the answer is legislating. I think there would be far too much scope for abuse of such a law. How would the parameters be defined exactly? One person can see EA in comments that another person would just sweep to one side.

I can easily imagine vindictive partners on the verge of breaking up taking notes on every spiteful comment an ex makes in the heat of an argument and citing 'emotional abuse' as a means of getting sole custody. People do such things now; exaggerating a former spouses wrongs as a means to get what they want. Fortunately, such people cannot get their ex arrested because they called them a shitty wife/husband and a few swear words several times over the course of a year. I understand that there are people really suffering in relationships with partners that are verbally abusive, but I think legislating would be a step to far as it is just too grey in terms of interpretation.

Orangespeaker I really think you are barking up the wrong tree with your slightly different point of view, which is not all that different from the standard "victim as a pitiful person with that shameful character flaw low self esteem" trope, which creates a culture of shame about domestic abuse and contributes to victims not being able to seek help or speak out.

I do not agree that Emotional Abuse "can cause lots of pain and suffering to both people involved." In fact it is about time there were some consequences for the perpetrator of abuse, even if it was just social disapproval. I have personal experience of this from the 'victim's' point of view too and I can assure you that the fundamental cause of the victim's pain is the abuser.

Who doesn't have some insecurity or fear that could be exploited? Everyone does. An abuser will work with the tiniest chip in your armour, you don't feel 100% confident about driving at night for instance; you're worried about a small aspect of your performance at work; you've had a disagreement with your mother. The first little chip the abuser makes to exploit that potential weak spot is going to feel like nothing. Or maybe it's financial abuse. Tiny borrowings from you here and there that aren't paid back. Slightly late paying the household bills - he's so disorganised; has a different tolerance for pressure to pay. Suddenly you're standing him a month's utilities. Then he loses his job, or his bank account is frozen or there's some emergency and you gradually get in deeper. After ten years with the abuser you might no longer drive and the family car will now effectively be his; you and your mother may barely speak now that you are desperate to conceal the abuse and are hyper-aware of her every character flaw and weakness.

Also you can't visit her because you can't drive and have no money for fuel cause he's cleaned you out completely and your creditors are knocking on the door.
I was insulted, abused and put down by my Ex for over a decade. All my possessions and personal relationships were gradually taken from me. I had to leave my job. I had a psychiatric (mis)diagnosis. My self esteem absolutely must be lower now than it was ten years ago. So according to your theory, I should be ripe for the picking by another abuser. But I'm not. I know how these people operate and I know the warning signs of a potential abuser. I'm safer now than I was and so it has fuck all to do with poor self esteem and the pitiful victim. Emotions can and are provoked and exploited, just look at any advertising or political message. They are not always created by the person experiencing them and no one else.

I fully support criminalising Emotional Abuse, I think it's utterly disgusting and shameful for society that it's not already illegal. My ex deserves to be in jail for what he did - much more so than some random who just walks up and takes my wallet off my in the street. But instead his friends and colleagues didn't even blink. I don't care if it's hard to get a prosecution that's not the point. It should still be a crime and people should start recognising it as such. I think you should reexamine your thinking on this, particularly as you have experienced it yourself. The abuse you suffered and all your negative feelings were entirely, completely, 110% your abuser's fault.

There also needs to be a big campaign raising awareness. A big TV campaign. Articles and blogs are all very well but people dont always read them properly and sometimes tend to see what they want to see! And it needs to be made very clear in any campaign that is launched that emotional abuse is perpetrated by other family members as well as/or the partner. This campaign is badly needed to drive home the point that emotional abuse is psychologically damaging and does leave a permanent mark.

Because there are many people who still seem to need educating and what is really scary is that some of these work in the caring professions!

IUsedToUseMyHands...I feel for you. I really do and it seems that you are still suffering from the pain of your situation. The thoughts about your abuser are still very much etched in your mind.

When I first read your words, certain parts of what you said triggered my pain. It was not a comfortable feeling. Can I ask you whether that was your intention? to bring me pain? Did you purposely choose your words in order to do this?

In this situation right now..who just caused my pain? You or me?

It is indeed possible to see your situation as a gift but you must be ready for this.

With love

Self-Abuse

by Don Miguel Ruiz from The Four Agreements.

Humans punish themselves endlessly for not being what they believe they should be. They become very self-abusive, and they use other people to abuse themselves as well.

But nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief system that make us do this. True we find people who say their husband or wife, or mother or father, abused them, but you know that we abuse ourselves much more than that. The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed. If we make a mistake in front of people, we try to deny the mistake and cover it up. But as soon as we are alone, the Judge becomes so strong, the guilt is so strong, and we feel so stupid, or so bad, or so unworthy.

In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.

If you abuse yourself very badly, you can even tolerate someone who beats you up, humiliates you, and treats you like dirt. Why? Because in your belief system you say, “I deserve it. This person is doing a favor by being with me. I’m not worthy of love and respect. I’m not good enough.”

We have the need to be accepted and to be loved by others, but we cannot accept and love ourselves. The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are.

I'm not sure what you mean Orangespeaker because it sounds like you are saying that the abused attract Abusers as they are masochistic?

Hi Superstar! I hope you are well....

My understanding is that we all have subconscious core beliefs that are hidden from us. These are often repeated thoughts to do with lack of self worth and a belief that we are not good enough or even that we hate ourselves. These beliefs go against who we really are and are incredibly painful. The pain is there to remind us that these beliefs are untrue. When we are young we cover these beliefs up because of this pain and they become subconscious. We never question the validity of these beliefs or the fact that we got them from someone else.

Now, if you believe in the law of attraction then you will understand that what you believe you must attract. Therefore, what happens without us knowing is that we start to attract circumstances and people which correspond to these hidden core beliefs. So if you hate yourself, you will attract people who will create that reality for you. This is to help you uncover your hidden beliefs and free yourself from the pain. Once you uncover and dissolve these hidden beliefs then you no longer need to attract these kind of circumstances or people.

Please understand that I may not be 100% correct in what I am saying and that is mainly because I have not yet fully dissolved my own core beliefs. This will also mean that in some way my perception will be unclear. However, I think in general this is how the process works.

With love

Yes we know why abusers are often attracted to the insecure Orangespeaker, the point of this thread though is to offer views on whether those who take advantage of someone's poor core beliefs and low self-esteem should be prosecuted in a court of law.

If they aren't aware of what they are doing themselves then perhaps they should be declared mentally impaired. But what they do to others is wrong and the law has to make that clear in order for them to understand that.

What do you think?

I think what the story is trying to teach (apart from forgiveness) is that through our beliefs and experiences we create images of people. However, these images are not real..

So if someone insults us then what we must understand is that they are not actually insulting us but the image they have of us in their own minds. When we understand this at a deeper level, it is very difficult for us to react to negative comments.

If however, we have beliefs within us that go against our true nature then we won't see the illusion that the abuser is under. When this happens we react and always in a negative way because we think their abuse is aimed at us.

Orangespeaker there are all kinds of ways that victims of abuse deal with their situation. Perhaps buddhists are never affected by abusive people, I don't know but the vast majority of people are. They often internalise the abuse which results in self-harm or a deeper hatred of themselves, or they minimise it, or blot it out with alcohol or medication. Your approach seems similar to the latter. What happens when the victim eventually escapes is that the abuser goes on to the next victim, meaning that another person suffers, another family, more children. It's nice to find ways to deal with abuse but ultimately it doesn't change the status quo and enables abusers to continue with their behaviour. The perpetrator of the violence needs to be held accountable and if we were all buddhists I fear that they would simply gain strength and continue to abuse more people simply because they would never think they were doing anything wrong. They would also back each other up, perhaps even eventually start campaigning to encourage financial and sexual slavery within relationships because that is their normal. It would become everyone else's normal.

This is why we have laws against domestic violence and emotional abuse is exactly that.

I hope you understand now.

DaughterDilemma...I think it depends on what your objective is.

If we want to create a better world then we must address the fundamental cause of all the pain and suffering in our world. That can only come by taking complete responsibility for the contents of our mind and the effects they have on our reality.

If, however, you believe that someone should be punished for what they did to you then yes by all means implement the law. Just realize it's not going to address the root cause of the issue. It will be like taking a drug which only treats the symptoms and not the underlying cause. The problem is still there just now its hidden.

So how do you treat the underlying cause if the cause is a person who just likes hurting women emotionally, if that is what makes him feel good? A bit like it used to be in the days of the Romans when woman were owned by their husbands - similarly in fundamentalist Islamic groups, feeling entitled to do it and thinking it is right?

What we try and do here in UK2014 is to ensure that the victim is made safe and can recover, and that the perpetrator is shown that his ways are wrong and hopefully send him away to prison to meditate on his crimes, seek counselling or alternative education (Freedom programme) to hope that he stops abusing and to ensure that other families are safe from his abuse and finally to set an example to society of what is right and what is wrong.

Are you saying that's not the right approach?

DaughterDilemma...

Doing some of those things is a step to a better world but it's the way that we do them that will be the key. We must do each one with love and understand to all concerned, even the abuser.

If we don't see why we must do that then in all honesty we are probably making things worse.

OS

If we don't see why we must do that [love and understand the abuser] then in all honesty we are probably making things worse.

The UK has human rights running deeply through all aspects of the legal system. That is where our 'love' is. Even murderers are treated with respect. Abusers human rights are always protected, their problem is that they abuse the human rights of their victims. This is why the law must make them accountable.

I hope that makes sense.

And remember that it is also your human right to hate your abuser. The abuser can take that as he wishes, perhaps channel it into positive energy, forgive his victim for her hatred of him and be strong enough to change his ways.

The difference between the victim and the abuser is that the victim doesn't hurt anyone.

I hope I am making myself clear enough for you.

Any form of anger or negative energy will always create a more fearful world.

We find it difficult to respect and love our own children let alone the people that have hurt us. That's what makes it so difficult to change this world.

anger or negative energy will always create a more fearful world.

I disagree. Responding to a violation by fighting for justice creates a world in which everyone can flourish equally. Avoiding any response to violations enables them to continue and makes them become normal and commonplace. Sometimes you might be angry while you respond. It is a natural and healthy instinct which ensures individuals can become empowered, both physically and psychologically.

Negative is a subjective term. Your negative is different to my negative.

DaughterDilemma,

If my words come across to you as someone who does not understand your point of view then it maybe because I have not yet truly healed. This is true for me at this moment. I have had much anger in me from my past but gradually I am learning to release it. I don't want to live in a world were I am constantly angry and upset so I am learning to love again. Only when I do that can I make a difference to this world.

We do need to go through the process of getting angry before we are fully healed. That will certainly give the impetus to make a change. However, we must surpass this if we are to create a more loving world. If we are still in anger when make a choice or decision then the only result will be more suffering. We must make all decisions out of love in order to create the maximum healing effect and bring about a change on this planet.

OS

I don't know what you mean by a 'more loving world' and making decisions 'out of love'. What are you doing to create a more loving world? Telling victims of abuse to love their abusers really isn't going to make the world more loving, it's just going to upset people.

Creating a more just world and making decisions by wide discussion and debate would be more effective.