Guest post: 'Why the government must make emotional abuse a crime'

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"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

It’s an innocent nursery rhyme that most of us sang when we were little, but it reveals a lot about why emotional abuse isn't taken as seriously as physical abuse. Thankfully we’re on the cusp of a shift in attitude, and it’s time for society – and the law – to recognise that coercive and controlling behaviour can be just as damaging as violence.

There are already laws in place which cover non-physical forms of abuse such as stalking and harassment, but the government is currently consulting on creating legislation that explicitly refers to emotional abuse within relationships. It is essential that they do - emotional abuse within intimate relationships must become a serious crime, punishable by the state.

Too many women are suffering at the hands and mouths of the men who profess to love them – and I was one of them. I survived, but over a decade on, I still feel the aftershock from the psychological terror I endured.

It’s hard to imagine what it’s like have your spirit worn down on a daily basis, to feel that you’re emotionally beaten. I’ll try my best to explain:

To begin with, the man who will become your abuser is your beloved. He woos and adores you. He’s your knight in shining armour. Life feels like a fairytale and you fall in love.

Once you’re smitten, he starts to change. Not straight away – that would be too obvious - but step by step, day by day. It starts with the odd remark and occasional put downs and then turns into endless questions and interrogation.

A few months down the line, you've gone from being the most adored woman on the planet to a woman who cannot do anything right. Everything you do, everything you are is wrong. You start to think it’s all your fault - he tells you it is - so you try and change for him.

You change your behaviour and the way you dress. You stop seeing your family and friends. You make yourself seem smaller, less clever, less attractive and less worthy. You do everything you can think of to make him happy, but nothing seems to work. You’re always longing for a glimpse of the man you loved – and you're hopeful that he’ll appear again – so you keep trying and you keep changing.

Once you've started to lose yourself and your confidence has been eroded, the abuse and control escalates.

Your heart starts to beat faster whenever you’re with him. Not in the way it did when you first met, because of flirtation or romance, but out of utter terror. You know if you don’t do as he says, you will be punished and you will suffer - physically, financially, sexually or emotionally.

You begin to doubt yourself and your thoughts become jumbled. He tells you that you’re crazy and you start to believe him. Any confidence you had has now vanished and you become jittery and tearful. Life is about pleasing him and keeping him calm, because that’s what you need to do to survive.

You are not the woman you once were, and find yourself completely alone. That beautiful, intelligent, confident and independent person has been replaced with someone who is insecure, frightened and confused.

This is how easily it happens. This is why women don’t ‘just leave’, and society’s perception of what this is has to change.

Earlier this year, a report from the Inspectorate of Constabulary found that the police response to domestic abuse is "alarming and ineffective". Including emotional abuse in legislation is essential to improving this situation. It will raise awareness amongst the police force and the public and challenge perceptions – no longer will anybody be able to say ‘she should have got out’, because the months and years of creeping, subtle, non-violent abuse will be recognised and punished. Domestic violence is rarely as simple as one punch, or one slap – and one objective decision to stay or leave following the incident. Coercion and control are at its centre, and understanding this is essential to tackling all forms of abuse.

Of course it will be difficult. Emotional abuse can be subtle and hard to pinpoint. There will be much wrangling over definitions, and test cases, and horror stories in the papers of ‘innocent’ men being charged. But isn't it worth it? We have the chance to legitimise the experiences of hundreds of thousands of women.

As a woman who was once emotionally broken and now continues to pick up the pieces, I'm waiting on the government to make the right decision.

www.safe.uk.net

These guys are trying to do something amazing, please go and have a look!

www.safe.uk.net

These guys are trying to do something amazing, please go have a look.

The aim is to create standards that will help to prevent abuse by raising awareness and encouraging people to recognise the signs...

EA must be horrendous.

But make it a crime?

How? I cannot imagine people being brought before the courts for emotionally wearing another down within a relationship, sorry.

There is adequate legislation to deal with assaults and threatening behaviour. Perhaps the push should be to see this applied more robustly.

Have to agree Lev.

Even during the divorce I was warned by him about his legal 'team' and how I was falling for my solicitors bullshit as he must be good looking...

He would have dragged character witness upon character witness along and I would have been an emotional wreck. I don't see how legally this could work. In any way.

If only such a thing could exist.
The victim will only leave when they want to/when something inside them snaps.
Before that point they will go to the ends of the earth to protect their abuser, even if that means they turn against the very people trying to help them.
Sad but true, there is no way of this ever being able to work.

I have just read the post and realised that is my life...??

Louise Im so sorry have you sought any help from Womens Aid or have you spoken to your GP.

It is indeed a horrible situation, one I endured at the hands of a parent. But between adults this situation is absolutely unworkable. It would lead to miscarriages of justice; I mean look at this thread - several people have claimed that they were the abused one but their abuser turned the table and claimed they were the abused one, you can easily see how it could occur.

Incidentally I do that it might not end up being that popular with mumsnetters. I have known quite a few men who's female partners fit this criteria and I suspect that it might well end up with a few cases that mumsnetters didn't like.

For example that woman who is always in the paper because she screeches so loudly at her husband constantly that it disturbs the entire neighbourhood and they've been evicted several times. She lives in Staffordshire and has been dubbed 'Nagsbo'. She has gone mad at him several times and the whole neighbourhood has heard; because he's brought the wrong scratchcard, because he's had a bath, telling him he's dirty and he smells, about a door being left open. She just yells at him constantly. When the noise abatement officers went in she was recorded saying ^'Stop ignoring me, you are. I am being recorded by them next door now thanks to you.'
'They are recording every day. Because of you I keep f***g up'^

If that's not emotional abuse I don't know what is. And I suspect that it would be fairly frequently used by men too and I think that might throw up a few nasty surprises for some mumsnetters....

I think Mumsnetters are intelligent enough and realistic enough to accept that any legislation would apply to all sexes equally. The woman you describe is already guilty of verbally abusive and probably antisocial behaviour, for example. These already exist in legislation. Emotional abuse is broader than simply verbal abuse, however, and is greater than simply bad temper. It's characterised by chronic low-level cruelty and bullying and is designed to control through sustained humiliation and intimidation. More difficult to prove but not impossible

Legislating against emotional abuse can never happen for the simple reason that all the specific acts that make up emotional abuse are, taken individually, completely legal.

It's not illegal to pressure someone into dressing a particular way.
It's not illegal to tell someone what you don't like about them.
It's not illegal to take a dominant role in controlling household finances.
etc. etc.

Neither should any of these things be illegal per se, because they're all perfectly valid and reasonable things to do under some circumstances.

At a certain point, when someone does a number of these things consistently for long enough, or does them under inappropriate circumstances, we call it emotional abuse. But the law doesn't work (and can't work) that way. It doesn't look at hundreds of legal things that a person has done over several years and make a psychological judgment about how they're strung together, and then condemn the person on the basis of that judgment. It defines specific acts as illegal or not.

This is pie in the sky stuff. It can't happen, and nor should it.

There comes a point where you have to accept that the law can't account for every detail of how people are either nice or horrible to each other. There are always going to be ways of acting toward others that are horrible but legal. You then need other avenues than law to address those things (such as raising girls to be strong and independent and not take shit from people).

Lots of stalking things aren't illegal in themselves. texting someone? Sitting on the street outside someone's house? Hanging about outside their work to catch them going out to lunch? Sending them flowers?

I agree it would be difficult to legislate and a lot of the time it wouldn't be much use but in the circs described above about the shouty woman it could maybe permit the police to step in where they wouldn't now.

I think it's the pressure tactics that should be illegal. Whilst it's perfectly acceptable to tell someone what you don't like about them, to actually manipulate them into doing something is totally different. Unfortunately all of this is very hard to prove.
I developed an eating disorder as my ex controlled what I ate. Sounds bizarre? Well he was vegetarian and once he'd hooked me he would refuse to kiss me if I ate meat, have me animal rights pamphlets to read and got meat out of my parents' freezer and lectured me harshly on the evils of eating meat. This was coupled with him cooking all of the food that we ate which seemed kind at the time but which in fact as very controlling.This was just the beginning of his healthy eating " campaign".
All pretty shit but then again I was dumb enough to stay with him ( something which to this day I cannot comprehend) . A court might question this but then he did stalk me for a year until I agreed to date him after the first time I dumped him. What a shame I didn't realise it was stalking at the time.

Then again of work place bullying can be legislated against then so can relationship abuse. I would say possible evidence could be a psychiatrists report. The trouble is that our society is patriarchal and the law is built on patriarchal foundations which dosn't favour the women anyway.

Murder can be very hard to prove but it dosn't mean it shouldn't be swept under the carpet.

I honestly cannot see how this could possibly be enforced. I am quite happy to be proved wrong but I simply can't see how it could be feasible.

There's a wider reason for legislation, however, and that's to reset the standards in society. Used to be that rape within marriage was not a crime, for example. People (mostly women) had no protection in law. Legislation doesn't mean that rape has suddenly stopped happening or that prosecutions are always successful but it is a powerful statement to anyone getting married that there is a line that should never be crossed.

So often on this board the question posed by a victim of emotional abuse is 'is this normal?' or 'is this acceptable?'. The victim is always told 'it's unacceptable' and encouraged to seek help - usually from charitable organisations. If it's on the statute books that emotional abuse is not only recognised as unacceptable & abnormal but also illegal, victims can get police involvement.

There are some things that could be made illegal that would limit / challenge emotional abuse.

Things like not paying a wage in to an account that wasn't in the name of the employee.

I know joint accounts or taking bank cards would mean that some people still had access to their partner's money but it is one step and further for the abuser and it is easier to show that someone has emptied a bank account.

As a teenager I was 'employed' by my parents, but I was only paid when I 'needed the money for something and then amounts would be reduced for me being late (late once after being in hospital and lost entire day's money) so maybe something where it is illegal to withhold wages for more than 1 week/month.

Agree that it is a sign to society that this is not acceptable.

Hello everyone,

I am going to present a slightly different point of view. Perhaps most of you will not agree with me but that is OK. Bear with me though as this is the first time I have presented this in a forum.

Emotional Abuse can be a very damaging action and it can cause lots of pain and suffering to both people involved. I have personal experience of this from the 'victim's' point of view. However, it is an illusion that the fundamental cause of the victim's pain comes from the abuser.

The cause of the emotional pain in the victim is actually the victim, the person receiving the abuse. What the victim doesn't notice is the stories within their own mind which create the pain.

If someone insults you and puts you down then unless you already have a belief which is similar, you won't be affected. If you don't believe that you are a horrible, useless person then it doesn't matter what someone says to you, you will be unaffected. If however, you already have core beliefs/stories that say how horrible and stupid you are then the abusers words will be taken as complete and utter truth. You will then experience a very strong negative emotion. This negative emotion is your body's way of communicating that something you have believed about yourself is untrue.

It is possible, but quite challenging, to use your negative emotions and trace their origins back to your core beliefs. If you have will to do so you can then dissolve your core beliefs and at that point you will integrate any suppressed emotions and will no longer react to an abusers harsh words. In fact you can even begin to view them from a completely different perspective. One with love and not hatred. When this happens the abuser's actions and words towards you change completely.

Emotions are always created by the person experiencing them and no one else. If you believe otherwise then you have lost all your power.

Perhaps an Emotional Abuse Law is the next step but it will not get to the root of the problem. Unfortunately, no law ever will.

OS

they should simple!

Orange speaker you need to read Lundy Bancroft. I believe the reason why people take on board what their abuser says is that their abuser is not like that all the time.
In fact the abuser will " Hoover" the abused by being very complimentary. When the abuse is finally delivered this throws the victim who is then confused about which version of this lover to accept. A bit like brain washing.
My abusive ex went on and on about how amazing I was which is why I was thrown when he started criticising my diet.

Superstar, from your reading of Lundy Bancroft where does the power in the emotional creation lie? With the abuser or the abused? In other words, does Lundy mention who is actually responsible for the victims emotion or does he assume it is the abuser?

From a personal point of view, do you think it's possible to be emotionally attacked and be able to fully love (in the truest sense of the word) the person that attacks you? Is it possible that in doing this your perspective changes so completely that there is actually no negative emotional reaction, only love and understanding? In your eyes, would this be possible?

It's called Stockholm syndrome or traumatic bonding similar to when hostages fall in love with their captors. So I agree it is not " true love" but a survival strategy.
Often the abuser successfully manages to isolate the victim from friends, family and society at large. When the abuser is " nice" then we cling onto that reality. When they are mean we wait for mr nice guy to kick in again.

Emotional abuse is clearly as damaging and destructive as any other form of abuse.

But how can an outsider (court, police, agency, friend, family, other professional) really tell the difference between emotional abuse, and the generally unpleasant and hostile behaviour that people quite often display when they want to be out of a relationship, but can't quite form the words or take the action to end it? Or when people are depressed but are not quite aware of it - that can lead to some intolerable behaviour as well.

And after people have separated, they sometimes continue to be hostile towards each other, eg in arguing over the children. Abusers may carry on being abusive. But angry people who simply dislike their ex can also carry on being awkward, unkind, un-cooperative etc. It can be hard to distinguish this from abuse.

Emotional abuse is described as being sustained and ongoing. This is the way to distinguish it from everyday arguments. Had it been going on for months or years?

Superstar. What I am talking about is genuine love which is not based on fear but complete acceptance and understanding. At this point the responsibility for all emotions that are experienced by the victim rests in the hands of the victim. These emotions have being suppressed from earlier on in their childhood.

At this point the victim sees their abuser as a gift because they understand they can free themselves from their emotional cage. The victim no longer becomes a victim and so the abuser stops their actions.

Do you think this is possible?

Do you also think that perhaps the victim subconsciously bought the abuser into their life so that they could free themselves from their suppressed emotions?

If you don't feel comfortable answering these questions then I understand.

Very informative post, thank you. I suffered emotional abuse for years..the person who charmed and wooed you, offered you the world, turns into a cruel and cold, cheating belittler. My one eventually would love to say to me "you seem down today, why don't you see your doctor? You seem depressed". Im an artiste and I realised he was determined to kill any zest I had..he befriended some of my friends (I soon realised some of them weren't friends at all, really..Mr Charming got to them), aimed to turn my DDs against me, began to dictate what I wore...he'd go absolutely crazy if I even spoke to a man, yet 99% of his friends were female, and privy to all our relationship business, too..his own personal harem. Bastard.

He was a very, very insecure man. His work colleagues couldnt stand him, he had family rifts, I believe he still somehow loved his previous girlfriend who he said "treated him like shit"...I eventually didnt believe that. These men always call their exes crazy..now, Ive joined the list of crazy exes.

Best thing I did was leaving him..he is so arrogant he tried to contact me for years afterwards. He didnt believe I would actually leave him. I did grieve the realtionship for a good while, though..but one day woke up happy to be away from him and his mind games. Doubtfire - please get help. Its not worth wasting your life on men like this, really. I was a "lazy fucking cunt" too, who was no good at housework...blah blah blah. It really is bliss without him...! & I wouldnt have met my lovely OH if Id stayed with that prick.

The damage emotional abuse does cannot be underestimated..its like a "drip-drip" assault on the very essence of who you are. I hope it is legislated against soon, and that it is made widespread that all forms of abuse, including emotional abuse, are not acceptable