10-15% of mums suffer from postnatal depression (PND), and many do so in silence. Mothers fear they will be judged – that they are failures as mums, and that their children will be taken away. They believe the nasty voices in their heads, who tell them they are worthless - that the world would be a better place if they were no longer a part of it. At the end of last year, three mums took their lives because of the illness and I found myself grieving for families I didn't know - because I've been there myself. I've listened to those voices in my head, and believed them.
I am a mother to three beautiful children, and have suffered either pre or postnatal depression with each of them. It is utterly debilitating, and affects the entire family. I was painfully aware of this when at my most ill, after the birth of my third child. I watched my older children - then three and eleven - look at me with confusion when I was crying, again.
I saw them shy away from me when I was irritable, and tip-toe around me when I was locked in my anxiety. It wasn't their fault, of course - but I know they were affected by it. They were bewildered by what was happening to their mum, who had been such a confident and lively person.
Reaching out to them, or anyone else, when I was ill was hard. I hated asking for help, and for a while I denied the reality of the illness, refusing to believe it had me in its grip. But I needed to explain what was happening to me and – crucially - that it wouldn't be like this forever.
So I wrote and published a poem, 'A Monster Ate My Mum,' which looks at PND through the eyes of a child. My children loved the story - which is beautifully illustrated by Helen Braid - and it prompted some very honest and open discussions about my illness. It helped us so much - even my husband understood a little bit more about what I was going through.
The poem is about a little boy whose mum is not the same as she was. The young boy hunts the different monsters who have taken parts of his mum; her smile, her spark, her laugh:
"Excuse me, but have you eaten my mum?
I want her back, I want some fun.
I want to see her smile, my mum.
Is she in your big, round tum?"
The brave boy learns that the monsters didn't really mean to eat his mum - and that in time, all of the things they have taken will be returned. There is reassurance that it's not his fault, and that it won't be like this forever.
For my family, 'A Monster Ate My Mum' meant there was no longer this elephant in the room – the ‘thing’ that was affecting everyone but which we didn't speak about. It helped them to understand that it wasn't their fault and it wasn't forever, and it helped relieve my guilt and anxieties by reminding me of the same things. It also put things in perspective for my husband, who needed supporting as well.
I'm better now, but the shadow of postnatal depression will always follow me around. I hope that if children are spoken to about mental illness in an appropriate way, then maybe over time the stigma will disappear - and if they ever become ill themselves they will be able to recognise the signs and ask for help.
PND does not mean you are a failure as a parent, and it needn't leave you feeling isolated and alone. There is always someone to talk to, and those monsters will not keep you forever.