Royal Birth guest blog: Kate Middleton's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Mumsnet

[KateMumsnet]

The royal baby has arrived - huge congratulations to Kate and William on the birth of their first child!

To mark the auspicious occasion - and to welcome the Duchess of Cambridge to parenthood - our very own Aitch has rustled up a handy guide to Mumsnet.

Do feel free to add your own suggestions here on the thread...





"Congratulations, your Royal Highness! You just had a baby boy! A Precious First-Born! Pretty much THE precious first-born, in fact. Roll out the actual bunting! Sound the actual trumpets!

Now, apart from the immediate world-wide adulation and whatnot, one of the upsides to this baby thing is that it INSTANTLY guarantees you a place on the website we call Mumsnet. That's the one with the biscuits and the swearing, Ma'am .

William's invited too, of course, it's all very 'by parents for parents' round here, and if you look carefully you might even spot Cousin Zara hanging around the Pregnancy Boards.

So first things first - choose your user name. Sadly, PrincessKate and all variations thereof have been taken for some time now; however MyMotherInLawisTheFarkingQueen and HilaryMantelWasInFactWidelyMisunderstood are both still available. Know, though, that nicknames that include numbers - even 'one' - are considered deeply uncool.

And now...your personalised tour of the boards. (Total coincidence that the place smells of paint )


Parenting
We hear that you're going home to your mum's for those first precious babymoon days. This is broadly a good idea, but good luck to your folks if they try to keep the rest of the in-laws at bay, what with them commanding a standing army.

Don't tire yourself out with family visitors, suggest they bring their own flunkeys. Grandpa and Camilla can provide their own biscuits, and we understand Great-Grandma has plenty of Tupperware.

Baby Names
Tough one. Whatever happens, half a globe's worth of people will suck air over their teeth and say it's 'unusual'. You're probably going to have to go classic here, although parents of little Allegras and Edwards now have the additional concern that they may be targeted for a playdate at Katie Hopkins' house. (Stop Press: will not apply if they inherit Uncle Harry's red hair, so fingers crossed on that front).

Breast and Bottle feeding
Give the breastfeeding a bash, if you can. There's lots of good advice on here, plenty of clever, kind women who can help, and equally plenty who can commiserate and advise on bottles if it doesn't go so well. Fortunately, William's family are mostly European, what with all the Germans and the Greeks, so they're bound to be, like, toooooooooooooootally relaxed about seeing the future heir to the throne latched on.

Am I Being Unreasonable?
This is where the name-change facility can come in handy. Please, please double and triple-check that you are not using your real name when you ask 'AIBU to complain that there are no helicopter spaces in the Parent & Child parking zone?' and 'Should I be cross that G-Mil won't tie up her corgis when we visit?'

Etiquette
How does one return those unwanted gifts? Good news, your major stores are entirely unphased by knackered new mothers dumping great piles of bootees and babygros just milliseconds before the receipt runs out. It is, admittedly, less clear whether the President of Canada will take back that maple leaf cardie set and swap it for a bigger size, but if anyone can swing that, it'll be William's lot.

Forces' Sweethearts
Your husband will only be entitled to a fortnight's paternity leave, so he'll be back flying while you're at home with a baby. Make friends with fellow military women, who understand what you're going through. Form a choir, that seems to go down well.

Weaning
Question. How does one wean with a silver spoon? Answer. One doesn't, or at least one doesn't have to - you can BLW that HRH. Fortunately for you, whatever method you and William choose, you'll be well-placed to hit the relatives up for some organic veggies. All the better if Grandpa has chatted to them first.

Parties/Celebrations
Auntie Pippa will be all over the christening, we're sure. See if you can get hold of that cartwheeling vicar for the entertainment.

Style and Beauty
Look, no pressure... you've just pushed out a live human baby. Frankly if you are out of your pyjamas by five pm at night then you're way ahead as far as we're concerned.

But in your case... well.. that first photo of you and the bub will be seen around the world. It's going to be Considerably Worse than being tagged on Facebook by a proud auntie. Mebbe give that hairdresser a ring?

Have you got your leaving-the-hospital-under-the-glare-of-the-world's-media outfit picked out? What's that you say? You're going to wear wedge heels? Tsk. You're a mother now... Birkies all the way.

As to bringing up the future heir to the throne, just keep it real, or as real as any other mother can with her precious first-born, and you'll be fine. Boy or girl, these days our children are all instructed to avoid elderly strangers bearing apples.

Don't feel too much pressure to make everyone else happy - be selfish and enjoy getting to know this brand new little person that you and William have made. This, even allowing for nights when you Just Wish The Baby Would Sleep*, is your happily ever after.

And hey - don't forget to tell your mother to join Gransnet. She'll be most welcome, especially on the fashion boards. Judging by some of the more controversial horse-racing threads, I think Great-Granny's been a member there for a while...


*On these nights, by the way, Mumsnet Classics is your friend. Bookmark these pages for when you think to yourself 'how could things get any worse?'. [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/182359-memorable-poos-in-inappropriate-places
Cube of poo]], [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/388882-what-not-to-do-the-stupidity-thread
the stupidity thread]] and [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/263007-funniest-bit-of-childbirth?
funniest bit of childbirth]] will get you off to a good start - and if this [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/961337-share-my-shame
story of the heavily-pregnant woman in the swimming pool]] doesn't immediately perk you up, place an emergency call to the Royal Physician.

[StealthPolarBear]

Spam. Weird spam at that.

[headlesslambrini]

just love him and listen to your instincts and you won't go far wrong. When things start to get on top of you, call for granny!

[ZingWidge]

get your pretty little arse over here and start making real friends!

[UmBongo]

Good luck - follow your instincts, the first six weeks are, umm, difficult. Lansinoh boob cream will help. Everything WILL stop leaking and hurting (eventually).

Huge congratulations. Enjoy the cuddles.