New Granny - preemie baby - how to help!

[GrannyAching]

Not sure where to post this!

My first grandchild - a beautiful little girl weighing in at 3lb 6oz - was born on Wednesday at 31 weeks, after an emergency c-section. My DIL is 20 and has no other family support (she was a 'looked-after' child, ie in care, with no parental contact). She and my son (he's 23) have lived with me on and off over the past 4 years but moved in to a new flat just before christmas, and I know she sees me as a mum more than a MIL. It's not easy being mum to them both!

It's very early days and everyone is still a bit shocked and emotional but I'd really like to hear from any other grandparents who have preemie experience, particularly those who have been very actively engaged in supporting mother, father and baby.

I'd also like to hear from any mums who delivered early babies about what family support was most helpful, or would have been most helpful, particularly in the early days.

At the moment, baby is stable and SCBU are as positive as they can be. DIL is understandably sore, shocked and disappointed, and I have been giving her lots of TLC and reassurance. My son has had the biggest scare of his life and also needs reassurance and guidance.

Words of wisdom welcome! Thank you!

What a lovely person you sound!
Behind the scenes help is probably most appreciated at this stage.Keeping the house running, washing, ironing, making meals, shopping and just reminding them you are there for anything they need you for.

Congratulations and hope everything goes well.

Thanks Moondog! Have just returned from hospital where I've been all day, helping DIL, and with a little time with my grandaughter. Both doing well and DIL has been a little trooper - she was so very unprepared for such an early delivery and I thought we had weeks to go so we've had to cover some real basics today like how it's normal to bleed after birth, and for how long etc. She's having a go at expressing breast milk and I'm very proud of her. Off to bed now and we start again tomorrow.

for me, bringing clothes was great. tesco, next and mothercare tiny baby stuff is relatively tiny, the rest is depressingly enormous. dd was born at 4lb 1oz at 36 weeks so she wasn't in SCBU for long, but as i say most clothes swamped her for a while.

also, for me... hearing 'isn't she TINY??!!' from ever single person in the world does rather get you down. try instead 'oh i think she has little eyelashes there, how pretty, what lovely eyes/ears/dinky fingernails' etc.

lots of other emotions as well, mostly fear that you'll not be able to care for such a vulnerable baggage. it comes, though, but it may not be immediate.

congratulations by the way!

Congratulations, The fact that you are there offering practical and emotional support will mean such a lot to them. you sound a lovely person.

Thanks Aitch, it's really useful to hear the mum's perspective on those seemingly innocent comments and have the advice on baby clothes! We've done a bit of buying some tiny things, as much for Mum as baby as I don't think she'll actually be needing anything for a good few weeks or so.

I've just had a call to let me know that DIL has spent some time with baby and is now on her way up to SCBU to see baby proudly clutching a couple of syringes of breast milk and I am sooooo proud of her for giving it a go. I also think this is the first time she'll have spent alone with her baby so that's a big step in confidence.

Lots of emotion all round in the past couple of days.

For me the most useful things were babysitting (not relevent here) and doing things like cleaning and the laundry. It meant that when I wasn't in hospital visiting I could spend time recovering or with my other children.
Financial help is also really useful. People don't realise how expensive it can be having a baby in special care.

Oh, what a lovely mum you sound.
Congratulations to you all. No advice to give, I'm afraid, except perhaps to look after that boy of yours too But it sounds like you're probably doing that already.
All the best to you all.

Bumping for you.

Thanks all. Home from another day at the hospital, fielding visitors, helping express breastmilk, doing a food run, and all that jazz.

Baby has a touch of jaundice but is otherwise stable, and DIL and DS changed her nappy this evening and have been learning how to care for her. She is also having tiny amounts of breastmilk and the expressing is going well, so far [please can we have a proud mummy/granny emoticon!].

DIL will probably be discharged in the next couple of days and I'm sure that she will find it hard leaving the baby so I think my job will be to help her back on her feet and make it easy for them to get to and from the hospital for visits (neither of them drive so I can see that being chauffeuse will be a big part of my role) though I will need to go back to work next week.

Thanks again, and all tips continue to be very welcome.

bumping

Congratulations on becoming a granny!

I'm not a granny, and have no experience of preemie babies, but I was a DIL at 21 when I had my first baby and I wish my MIL had been more like you sound

IME the most important thing is to be supportive and not to undermine or criticise - it sounds like you have got it right to me though.

Lifts are useful, and practical help with things like shopping. Maybe you could get in the basics ready for when they get home - bread, milk, fresh fruit, nice chilled soup, teeny nappies, cotton wool, some posh chocolate - that sort of thing.

And of course point your DIL in the direction of MN

I had a premmie 6 weeks early and was also totally unprepared. My mum lives miles away from us so the help I had from my MIL was invaluable. Whilst I was in hospital, she went and cleaned out my fridge, defrosted the freezer and filled the freezer with loads of home cooked meals. This was wonderful when I returned home. It meant we did not have to even think about food and going shopping for food.

It sounds as though you have managed to get the basic things for mum and baby in the hospital. I also needed lots of moisturiser as the ward and SCBU was so warm for the babies. Fruit juice too was a nice treat.

Finally, my step-mum came to visit us and just got stuck in. I never had to ask her to do anything - she just would do whatever was needed from washing up to changing the nappies. That was also a great help not having to think about jobs to ask her to do...

Hope that helps a bit. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job as it is!! Congratulations on being a Granny!!

my mum did the same, it was amazing. i gave her money to go to the shops and she spent an afternoon slaving over the stove batch-cooking huge amounts of my favourite meals. it was fantastic, just fantastic to have those for the first few weeks. simple things like a few pots of tomato sauce for pasta, stews etc, make all the difference.

Thanks all, again. Latest news is DIL is coming home today so we're just getting a few things together before we go and collect her. She wants to come and stay for a couple of days, and that's fine, I'll just keep going, one day at a time, though a major cook-in looks like something I need to organise! Fortunately they live nearby - only a couple of miles away, so it will be relatively easy for me to be available for practical help.

Thanks, too, for all your good wishes - I'm pretty tired today, and a bit emotional, so have shed a tear or two, not the first, nor the last, I guess.

Thanks all, again. Latest news is DIL is coming home today so we're just getting a few things together before we go and collect her. She wants to come and stay for a couple of days, and that's fine, I'll just keep going, one day at a time, though a major cook-in looks like something I need to organise! Fortunately they live nearby - only a couple of miles away, so it will be relatively easy for me to be available for practical help.

Thanks, too, for all your good wishes - I'm pretty tired today, and a bit emotional, so have shed a tear or two, not the first, nor the last, I guess.

Ooops!

Anyone else out there? All advice welcome.

Thanks!

Not got any advice to give but wanted to say that in my overly hormonal pregnantness, this thread has made me well up

How kind, considerate and caring you are to being doing all the right things to support what must be very scared young parents....

So many threads on MN about overbearing MILs- so nice to see that nice ones exist.

Keep us all posted.

Latest news is that the proud parents have spent most of today with LO, who is doing well. She's been moved from Nursery 1 (highest dependency) to Nursery 2 as she's breathing well on her own, though gets tired, bless her. News in a nutshell is that she's very healthy, just early, and needs to grow. She's tolerating breast milk well and now having a whole 6 ml every 2 hours - baby steps but each one is a huge milestone!

I've done lifts, washing, food, and lots of encouragement.

I am deeply impressed by staff in SCBU who are tending to LO, as I'd expect, and also providing huge amounts of support and guidance in how to care for the baby and what to expect - truly amazing stuff and I am so grateful to them.

For those who have commented on my loveliness, do not be fooled! I was not particularly happy about the pregnancy - my son and his girlfriend seem so very young and I have worried about how they'd cope and had some very cross moments indeed. I suspect that everyone knew that when the baby was born I'd soon come round.

It's also really, really hard taking a back seat when all my instincts are to take over, because after 25 years of being a parent I know best . I also know it's really important to let DS and DIL find their own way, and it's been really heartwarming to watch them grow so very much over the past 5 days.

Being a Grand Mother is not what I was expecting at all, and I guess that even I have more to learn. And there I was expecting the menopause to be my main challenge!

Good morning GrannyAching,
Must confess that even without the benefit of pregnancy hormones your posts have made me shed a tear or two as well.
Very glad to hear that the news from the hospital is good.
You are lovely for working so hard to support them like this despite your own struggles. Please keep doing the wonderful and very important job that you are doing. It may not be what you were expecting, but I hope (and suspect) that you might have lots of very happy times together

Hiya, DS1 also arrived at 31 weeks, we were in SCBU for 2 weeks and nursery for one.

Things that would really have helped:

• magazines for when I roomed in
• food being brought in for when I roomed in
• meals in the freezer
• washing and ironing for DH's job being done

You sound like a star granny, my mum got to stroke DS1 at 4 days old when he was really wee and said it was one of the most amazing experiences of her life.

Oh and someone stocking me up on the tiny Pampers and an ice pack for the swelling would also have been good!

Thanks laumiere, for the extra advice, and for your story, and thanks BFQi, for the encouragement (nothing wrong with a few human tears!).

I hadn't seen LO for a couple of days - giving parents-in-training some space - but all progressing really very well indeed. So I went today and got to witness first cuddles out of the incubator! Big moment, and lovely to see DIL hold her baby in her arms for the first time, and DS too. LO is gorgeous and much more robust, particularly with her breathing, than when I saw her last.

DIL also changed a nappy for the first time today too, so BIG DAY all round .

Hard to believe it's only been a week, and I am tres tired from all the extra cooking, washing, driving etc. Have been a bit scatty at work but thankfully I work in a reasonably flexible environment - g*d knows how I'd manage if I didn't. DIL and DS exhausted - I doubt they've ever had such a full-on and eventful week - and DS has been through a lot, but getting them to rest is a challenge. Hey ho.

'tis a strange thing this Grand Mother business.

hi, no advice to offer (you seem to be doing brilliantly anyway) but just wanted to say congratulations on grandmotherhood and wishing your DGD strength and health and a happy homecoming as soon as possible.

You are great,just hope they realise.In a way it is harder when home and my house went to pot when I was visiting twice a day and had a 14 month old to look after too! Friends were great but I had no help in the house.Your dil will be worried about the baby and may need to ring SCBU to check all is well.Get your son to get flowers when dil comes home -it is traumatic.Best of luck

Thanks all! LO doing well and has been moved to Nursery 3 (lowest care) as she's very stable, breathing fine, tolerating EBM (21ml every 2 hours), and just needs to grow! She's now 32+4 and, although still in an incubator, is beginning to maintain her body temperature so can be held more, which is lovely.

DIL and DS coping well, though tired, and I'm doing what I can to make things as easy for them as I can at the moment. They are doing much of the basic care when at the hospital, and have had fantastic support from the nursing staff, and are becoming more confident, though are still in awe of this small being they've brought into the world and a bit nervous about nappy changes and dressing her.

DIL recovering from c-section and emotionally up and down, which is only to be expected.

I guess we're in for a few more weeks of this current state of being before LO comes home, when it will all change again - thanks maddylou and those who have mentioned the homecoming - different kinds of support will be needed then, for sure, and I'm grateful for the advice and suggestions.

I have been a bit anxious about the prospect of a new baby in the family all along - DS and DIL seem very young, and I knew they'd need support. I was not expecting anything other than a 'normal' pregnancy and birth though, and I have felt enormous compassion for them both, especially DIL, and admiration too. I've also been really suprised at how the instinctive mothering thing kicks right back in for new Grand Mothers (well, for me at least!), and my own mum, now a Great Grand Mother, is displaying similar traits!