eccentric oldies

[Elasticwoman]

At 86 my mother is fighting fit and sharp as a razor, (I'm the only one who can beat her at Scrabble these days) but who can beat this for eccentricity?

Mum is in dressing gown one morning while we are visiting. She says:

• I think I'll just pop my coat on over this and go and buy that box of chocolates for tomorrow.

Me: (horrified) But you're not dressed! Why don't you get dressed first?

Mum: because I'm going to have a shower today so I'll have to get undressed again when I get back.

Me: well why not have the shower first?

Mum: Because you lot are here and I don't want you to see me in my curlers.

(but she doesn't mind the world seeing her in nightie + coat at 9 or 10 am on a Saturday morning, buying something she doesn't need till tomorrow)

Me: that's all right, we're all going out so we won't see you.

No one has dottier parents than me then??

my mum is only in her sixties, but is mad as a box of frogs!

My brother and his family went on holiday a few weeks ago, and they asked the next door neighbour to feed their pet (tis a lizard thingy)

Anyway, my mum decided that they weren't doing it properly so she broke into my brother's house and fed the lizard in secret.

Then she drove all over Essex trying to find some crickets on a Sunday because he only had about a dozen left (I should mention that the lizard eats about three a day) and my bro was due back on the Tuesday and she didn't want him to have to worry about getting crickets.

I happened to mention in passing that I presumed she would be buying some milk and bread and stuff for them and she said "OMG No of course I won't, if they want that they can go to the shops and get it themselves!"

That is pretty dotty. Luckily my mother doesn't drive any more. She took a lot of persuading to get rid of the car, even though she is blind in one eye and has failed to recognise me, her only daughter, on several occasions.

my mum still drives.

I followed her once.

Do you remember that advert with James Nesbitt when he cut his niece's hair and went to the hairdressers and was shaking his fist at her whilst saying in a very nice voice "please fix the hair" - that was me, shaking my fist at my mother whilst saying "I think there may be a parking space over there...." so that the other drivers wouldn't know that I was with her and would perhaps think I was telling her off.

And she genuinely believes that if she talks very loudly out of the side of her mouth nobody can hear her because she has her hand in front of her mouth