My sister separated from and subsequently divorced her husband over 15 yrs ago. We had been close with her and her DH, mutual holidays and our kids similar ages. Our youngest 2 were good friends
About a year after they separated her ex had a new GF with a 17 yr old son of her own. I'd met her once, they invited my DD on holiday with them. She was 13 at the time.
They spent 10 days abroad and when they came back it felt like they'd been allowed to run a bit wild. My sister called and said they'd apparently tried to get into a nightclub. DD said they'd been left on the beach alone some days. Privately, I thought that'll be the last time she goes. I was a bit shocked at my ex BinL as he'd always seemed a responsible parent to my mind. The friendship my DD had with her cousin cooled and I was quite glad tbh as she was a very wild teenager.
My own DD had an awful couple of years after that - MH issues, self harm, eating disorder. We got her help and things resolved. She got a good degree but has had a battle with recurrent depression in her adult life
A few months ago she disclosed to me that her cousin had called, saying her step brother had abused her for years and she was going to the police. She had witnessed this Stepbrother rape my DD during this holiday after getting her insensible drunk. She called her to say, do you remember and would you also report this. DD replied, "remember it, I've been in counselling half my adult life because of it"
This has been a huge shock to me as you can imagine. So many things have clicked into place about that time
I'm feeling massively ashamed of my poor parenting over this. Feel I was careless with her, it just didn't occur to me that basic parenting wouldn't happen.
I was v impatient with DD over teenage years as I felt what did she have to be unhappy about. I don't think I gave her the space to talk to me about it.
Alternating between rage, incomprehension and grief
Does anyone else have experience or perspective?