Thoughtless son

[Carleajam]

Am I being too sensitive? Basically my son got married 3 years ago and they have a beautiful little daughter. I baby sit once a week but I crave to spend the occasional quality time all together as a family. This hardly ever seems to happen.

I have invited them for a weekend break next year all paid for. They have basically ignored my invite saying they are busy at the moment and will think about it.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have invited them away before. I have invited them round for dinner or meals out but most times there is an excuse not to come. I realise my son and DL have busy lives but this has really started to upset me.

I get on OK with DL and not sure if she is pulling the strings but then my son has never really wanted to go anywhere with us which I accepted but now it feels different as they have a child.

Every year they go down south at least twice to visit DLs sister and the whole family goes. This hurts me although I never say anything.

Should I keep pushing or just give up. My husband has never got to spend any quality time with his grand daughter either. If it wasn't for me baby sitting I don't think she would hardly know me.

Should I mention how I feel but I'm scared of upsetting them.

Why do you keep reposting this? This is the third time I have seen.

The first one was titled as though it was a DIL problem, and you went on to say she is the boss. Not very kind of you. Who would want to spend the weekend with someone who thinks like that about them?

They probably don’t feel they can say no, hence not relying.

They’re probably tired. Also when you have kids you don’t want to go to other peoples houses, you want home comforts and everything you need. Also, I bet your house isn’t baby proofed. Do you have pets that could be an issue? My MIL has a dog who can’t be trusted and we’re both allergic too so we hate going there.

Also remember back to your past, would you ever want to go on holiday with your parents or in laws? I know that I don’t want to go anywhere with them. I want to go with fun families around my age who have kids my son can play with. If your son didn’t spend time with you before a baby, why do you think he’d want to now when he’s sleep deprived and extra busy?

Life doesn’t revolve around you either. Just because you babysit doesn’t mean you get extra rights.

After this long ramble, I’ve come to the conclusion you need a major reality check.

Yes, I've seen this before and can only guess that you are reposting hoping for a different answer. Your son isn't thoughtless and your daughter in law isn't a witch, they just don't want to go on holiday with you. That's it...end of. You get that lovely quality time with your grand daughter, I really wouldn't rock the boat by pushing it until you get your own way because ultimately that is what this is about however you dress it up. It comes across as controlling behaviour that you can't understand why they aren't biting your hand off because you are paying. Things change. In a couple of years they might love a break all together. Let it be.

Why doesn’t your husband babysit with you? He can visit too without you.

It’s impossible to really know what is going on here. But you can’t force them to come on holiday with you or spend more time with you. Enjoy the time you have with your granddaughter and let your son know that you are always there for him and love him.
My brother was in a horrible relationship where we never saw him and she never replied to any messages I sent trying to build bridges or kindle a healthy happy sister in law friendship. It later transpired that she hated his family with a vengeance as she wanted him to leave and buy them a house in her home country but he wouldn’t and she assumed it was because he didn’t want to leave his family. She banned him from seeing his mum and other family including me. She phoned his friends and even mine to try to get them “on side” to “convince” him to move to her home country. He didn’t want to move and told her that early on in the relationship but she has decided that she could convince him and he overheard her telling her friend on the phone when she was pregnant that “he’ll have to do whatever I say now!”
She threatened to kill herself “and the baby” when she was pregnant if he didn’t stay away from his family and give her money to buy all her friends Xmas gifts etc.
Another bell that rang with your story is that she refused to see any of his family but went home to see her family once a month, demanding thousands of pounds from my brother in order to do so. If he said he couldn’t afford it she shouted at him for being “financially controlling”. She quit her job when she got pregnant as she fell out with her boss but when she did work she spent 100% of her salary on herself and none on the house, bills or mortgage etc.
If my brother took more than a couple of minutes in the toilet she’d start screaming at him through the door asking him why he was taking so long. If he went out to walk the dog or went to Tesco it was the same story. It was violent also - she threw things at him like car keys etc then phoned her friends saying he was abusive to her… he got so scared for himself and the baby that he took to recording all their interactions in the house in case she went to the police with her lies.
They got divorced. She still doesn’t work but gets £30k a year in child support and benefits but had a £80k sum out of my brother in the divorce. And took his child out of the country so he needs to spend £800-£1000 a month in flights and hotels to see DC.
You just don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors but you can’t force make sure he knows you are there if he needs you.

OP I couldn't read and run. I get how you are feeling. I am a mum of a very young son and couldn't imagine not being in his life or him not wanting to come away with us. It would really hurt. I get the sense you are having to fight for time with them as a family and that hurts. I have my own battles with my mil but can come to terms with the fact she is trying to hold on to her son. I don't think it's right that the woman's side of the family is taking priority but it's obviously who your dil wants to spend time with and your son is willing to go along with it. As much as it hurts, be happy that you had all of those years with him before and now you have to let him be free to live his own life. I am sure it would be his partner not wanting to go more and him agreeing for an easy life. It was like that with me until I had a son of my own and realised that some day I will be that mil desperately wanting to see my baby boy.