Granddaughter blames me for her mum giving her away. I am in bits.

[flowerNW66]

This is a new account because i don't want anybody to know who is posting this.

I’m so sorry this is such a strange, weird and very long post but I need somebodies’ opinion that is out of the situation. Please forgive typos. I have had a stroke and struggle to type sometimes and I’m typing this on a phone. It’s a very long story but I think you need to know the background. Sorry.

17 years ago my daughter had a baby with her partner. He was a vile human being who nobody liked and we ALL warned her against him. When she found out she was pregnant she planned to have a termination. This was due to 1: She was having severe mental health issues at the time and didn’t feel like she could cope and 2: She had just found out her partner has been cheating on her (for the 3rd or 4th time) and didn’t feel she could raise a child on her own.
The morning of the termination he turned up and talked her around to giving it another go. She then said “If he leaves you can help me raise it (The baby)”. At the time I was having health problems myself and said I couldn’t promise I could, as to be honest I didn’t know if I was going to be around, so she needed to make the choice with me out of the equation. She decided to have the baby.

4 years later she moved 170 miles away from to go to university.
Sadly, shortly after starting she discovered he had once again been cheating on her and dumped him. She then ended up leaving university. She then demanded me to move there and as she “Couldn’t cope” and I was “Abandoning her” She said if I didn’t she’d kill herself.
My partner at the time said those were extremely unfair comments and she was trying to emotionally black mail me and he said he’d seen her do it before but didn’t want to say anything. At the time I didn’t see it but looking back I see what he meant.
I tried to go up as much as I could but she was still asking if I could move up. I couldn’t. At the time I’d just started a small business which id put my savings into and if I’d have moved I’d have lost everything. So, I said I’d help to move her back here if she wanted to.
She said “No, you should be moving here. I am happy here and hated it there”.
This caused a big argument between us and guilt tripped I stupidly ended up moving up there for three months leaving my partner in charge of my shop.
While I was up there her legs basically fell off. I was doing everything from shopping, taking her daughter to school etc and that still wasn’t enough. Everyday she’d moan I wasn’t doing enough etc.

a few months later I ended up having a TIA (mini stroke). I then started getting calls from my daughter, while I was in hospital, asking when I was going to come out as she was “Struggling to cope”. A few days later I came home and was still expected to do everything for her which I couldn’t. I stayed in bed and could barely stand because I was so tired. A week later, On New years day, she literally told me to “F off home if you’re not going to help” as “All you ever do is lay in bed!”. She literally got my bags and threw them out. I was in bits. There were no hotels etc and my partner had to drive up at and get me. I sat in the rain and cold for t]hree hours.

We didn’t speak for a year until I got a phone call from her asking for help as she was going to “End it”. Over the next week or two we sorted things out although she refused to say sorry as “I didn’t say any of that. It’s all in your head”.
I then helped pay for her to move back here with the plan to help and support her as much as I could. My partner wasn’t very happy and asked me to “Just be careful” and to remember to look after myself first. This caused an argument and between us and we ended up breaking up for a few weeks.

When she moved down I was down her house every day, once again, for the next 6-7 months trying to help her cope. I tried everything from getting her signed up to a ‘buddy’ system that helps single parents with MH issues take their child to school, take them shopping etc but she flat out refused everything and kept saying “Well, you’re my mum why can’t you just do it”. I ended up running myself into the ground once again and got ill and going into hospital with a mass infection. While I was in hospital I ended up having another TIA and once again got the same phone calls “I can’t cope. Can you or Andrew (My partner) come and look after C (granddaughter) as I need a break”.
The day I got out of hospital I ended up having to go over to hers. As soon as I walked in she basically called me for everything again and even said “You don’t think about me at all. If you die what am I going to do?!?!”. She didn’t ask me how I was etc.

This also caused a MAJOR argument between my partner and I and we ended up breaking up. He said That I wasn’t looking after myself and my whole life was all about my daughter who wasn’t interested in anybody but herself and didn’t even care that I was in hospital or ill.
Looking back he was right and this ‘argument’ started making me wake up to the fact I was in a toxic relationship with my daughter. He basically said he couldn’t stay and watch me “Happily kill myself so she didn’t have to do anything except sit there and play f**king video games and get stoned” and asked me to promise to start looking after myself a bit more and pull away from my daughter just for a bit till my health improved. I said no and he didn’t uynderstand as her wasn’t a parent. we ended up braking up.

I then ended up giving my flat up and moved in with my daughter. I basically became a servant and alacky for her. Looking back it was exactly like Andrew had said. All she did was sit playing video games and smoking weed while I looked after her daughter. Looking back I wonder how I was so stupid. I think unless you’ve been manipulated to that level you can’t understand.
I also lost my shop one of the few things I loved and enjoyed.

A year later my 76yo mother fell down the stairs and lost mobility in both legs. She lived in Manchester and I ended up having to go up and look after her for a bit.
My daughter was doing slightly better so I thought I’d be okay. A week later the phone calls started again where I’d get nothing but abuse for “Abandoning her” and “I was her mother and how could I do this to her?!” she cared about everybody else more than her. I didn’t know what to do. Everybody in my life was telling me to ignore her but at this point my only worry was my granddaughter and what she’d do without me. I spoke to my mum who also said to ignore her as she was making me ill and she wasn’t even interested in getting ‘better’ and learning to cope.
about a monthish later I ended up having a stoke. I lost 30% movement in my side which mostly, thankfully came back over the next few years (apart from my fingers).

Thank you for reading this far. This next part is basically the reason I am posting this.

The first night I came out of the rehab centre I got a call from one of her old school friends asking could I come down and see my daughter as she was saying she wanted to give up her daughter for adoption/fostering.
I was in bits. I couldn’t get down to see her as I couldn’t drive but i called her.
She once again said this was all my fault and that I hadn’t “listened to her” when she said she couldn’t cope with a baby and I’d persuaded her to not have a termination which I did not.
She then said if I didn’t take her (My granddaughter) she’d contact her dad and he could have her because “I cant cope with her and don’t want to anymore”. I was trying to look after myself and my mother with limited mobility and I was struggling to do that. I said I couldn’t but not to give her up as we could work something out. She ended up putting the phone down on me. I was in bits and even typing about this I am crying.

She refused to speak to me for months. When she finally did I found out she had given her daughter to him (My granddaughters dad) who had moved to Ireland. She then said “It’s about time I start worrying about myself and not a kid or my mum (me)”. I put the phone down and never spoke to her again. I tried time and time again to find out information about my granddaughter but he refused. I refused to speak to my daughter again and even now I don’t know and don’t really care where she is.

Skip forward to now.
About 6 months ago I got a facebook message from a girl I’d never heard of. It turned out to be my granddaughter who was now 17. She explained she had changed her name etc. She asked if she could call me. I was over the moon. I picked up the phone call. She started screaming at me that “I abandoned her” and “It wasn’t my fault you fell out with my mum. You should have helped me”. She then told me she’d been severely Sexually abused by her fathers partners brother for 5 years and that it was all my fault as I did NOTHING to help her or her mum cope. I explained I did everything I could and she said that the reason it was my fault is because I wasn’t tough enough with her mum and if I hadn’t of kept giving in she wouldn’t have ended up being abused.
I tried to talk to her but she slammed the phone down on me and has refused to talk to me.
6 months have passed and I am still an utter mess. I wake up every night feeling sick. I feel like nothing I have done has been right. Looking back I don’t see how I could have done thinghs different except maybe not have given into my daughter as much or set up more solid boundries. All I can say is hindsight is 20/20. I can see now that the relationship was toxic and I was petrified of her. I didn’t know how to say no without fear of what she’d do to herself or me sometimes. My friends have told me that none of this was my fault and that she (my daughter) chose to give her up to a person who she KNEW wasn’t stable but I wonder if they’re just being nice.

I know/hope that none of this is my fault but why do I still feel guilty? I have tried to be as honest as I can in this post and know I sound like a selfish monster in some places. What is your opinion? Please be honest thank you.

First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through.

As you state at the end of your post, you know that none of this is your fault. It is not your fault that your daughter has mental health problems and it is not your fault she made poor life choices. You did more than anyone would expect to help and support her, to the detriment of your health, career and relationship.

It seems like perhaps your daughter lacks the empathy to realise or appreciate this

It is not your fault that your granddaughter experienced sexual abuse. You could not take her as a baby, and her father is her parent. She will be angry at the world. Give her time, and she may approach you again, having reflected on the situation.

You really need to focus on your health and your wellbeing. You state that the relationship with your daughter was toxic. Is it possible to go NC with your daughter for the good of your health? Is it possible that your daughter may have coloured your granddaughter's vision?

My youngest son is very much like your daughter. He has had significant mental health issues since he was a young teenager. He has very little empathy. He has a lot of control.

People have said I am too lenient with him, and that he needs boundaries, but he recognises no boundaries, except those he imposes upon himself. He has very little empathy and needs a sense of sameness or he collapses. My 'leniency' equates to my efforts to maintain a low arousal environment and to function in my own home without constant rages and meltdowns. Indeed, we are not 'soft', we are strong, very very strong.

'Selfish monster' is probably the last description I'd use for you, my dear. Please be kind to yourself. You gave everything to your daughter and grandchild. You know that.
Sending a big hug.

I know/hope that none of this is my fault but why do I still feel guilty?

Because your daughter tried to guilt-trip you for years and now your granddaughter is doing the same thing, at times using the exact same words. Maybe she heard her mum use those words to people, saying you've 'abandoned' her etc.

It's sad she was abused but it's not your fault. If you'd done even more, you probably would've died as it wasn't helping your health.

I have tried to be as honest as I can in this post and know I sound like a selfish monster in some places. What is your opinion? Please be honest thank you.

You don't sound selfish at all OP x

I know/hope that none of this is my fault but why do I still feel guilty

I think it's in us. When things go wrong for our kids, when they do wrong themselves, we can feel guilty. We were responsible for everything when they were tiny, and it's really hard to let go when they start to grow up. As they start to grow up and away and block us out, they have to take more responsibility for what they do; but it's hard to really feel that it's their responsibility not ours.

After a certain age, it is their responsibility though.

Also society tends to blame the parents. We internalize that.

I think as well it's hard to let go of our beloved child ... to open our hand and accept that they are not in our control the way they were when they were 8, or 6, or 3. When we say your action in this situation are your responsibility, there's a grief at letting go.

Also, can there be a sunken - costs fallacy? You've given SO MUCH of yourself and your health and your relationship, and it's hard to feel that it was, unfortunately, for nothing. Some emotional sense of guilt could be a version of 'if only, if only, if only'?

I'm afraid that the chances for your granddaughter were always going to be slim. The fact she's grown to hate and blame you comes almost certainly from the example she was shown. She's been lied to, shown no good example of healthy love and healthy boundaries.

in honesty, and I truly do not mean this unkindly, could her accusations sting because there is a touch of truth - that you did not put firm boundaries in place with her mother when she was young? Only you know the answer to that - and what's done is done. You have given blood and heart to be the best mother you could, that's for sure.

Your grand daughter will have to find her own way. At 17 she's starting to grow into her adult self but there's a lot of learning still to do and she may change, specially if she gets help.

When things go to hell, all you can do is go on. One breath after the next.

Have you had any help from people who have had experience with devastating family breakdown and the consequences? I don't think therapists who haven't had specialized training will have much chance at helping.

Beyond that, some hints

• You've thought through and (correctly, from all you say) said that you have done your best and should not feel guilty. Having an intellectual understanding that the guilt is not helpful is good; a next step can be verbalizing the feelings into words 'here is the guilt again' - it slightly separates us from the overwhelming, gnawing pain. It doesn't take it away, but it is a tool to manage it and separate it, given that it is an unbearable feeling that has very little valid basis is reality, and non in the here-and-now.
• don't drink too much alcohol. The less the better. It's a destabilizer, specially where powerful and difficult emotions are involved.
• if you can in your situation, keep as fit as you can and get daylight.
• Consider your friends. Are they the sort to tell you when you ask if you've got something wrong? If they are, if they are honest, then when you say they say it's not your doing - believe them.

I am so sorry for the decades of pain you've lived with and suffering you've been through, and for this awful bombshell six months ago. I hope you can find some forgiveness for yourself, and truly come to believe that it wasn't your fault, and find some enjoyment in life again.