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Gransnet

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Original poster

Any grandparents (or anyone else really) want to shed light on the eternal MIL/DIL struggle? But especially the BOUNDRIES issue...

39 replies

FillyjonkisCALM · 04/02/2008 11:32

Very few people seem to have a really decent relationship with their PIL.

With me, an awful lot of it comes down to boundries, and their lack of respect for mine. For example, my PIL think nothing of walking into my house without knocking (they have a key, given to them for EMERGENCIES), going through our drawers, answering our phone (and in fact freely giving out our phone number without our permission).

A lot of it is, I think, that they see the house as dp's, not mine (WHY I do not know, it is in joint names and until I became a SAHM I paid 50% of the mortgage )

And then there is the endless "in our day...because of course we know everything..." comments.

And also FIL is very sexist, and bascially a boor. But that is a WHOLE other issue.

I think this is a very common problem, and am genuinely interested in hearing how it is from the other side...

(of course you are probably all LOVELY grannies and thusly don't even know what I am talking about...)

OP posts:

glitterchick · 03/10/2008 18:00

Shortly after we moved to our house my MIL took the liberty of sneaking our front door key down to garage and getting a spare cut for herself. Only found out some weeks later. Was fairly peed off. There are HUNDREDS of other issues I could discuss but will leave for another day!

anmar · 30/12/2008 12:25

a plea from a MIL. we have a sweet little DD and we want to be helpful. I'm not much fussed how she is brought up on grounds DIL and S are lovely and they'll do their best, which is all any of us can do- and it's usually fine. however, things have changed (all much more prescriptive now) and I find myself comparing -have suddenly realised this is being interpreted as criticism. feel I can't say a thing without upsetting very tired DIL. all very boring. i'm not another species who's out to be difficult, just a not very perfect 55 year old. help!

Pinkglow · 13/03/2009 20:51

it works the other way around too anmar - I would compare how I bring up my DS now to how they 'did it in the old days' and my mum and MIL would take that as a criticism sometimes of the way they brought us up. They said 'well you turned out ok' a number of times.

If I were you I would not compare out loud and if they do suggest something just say 'thats a good idea'or 'that sounds good to me' She wont be sensitive about it forever.

Metatron · 13/03/2009 21:14

Anmar - compare with your friends not your DIL. She is floundering her way through first time motherhood, terrified of getting it wrong and anyone who has successfully raised a child appears to know more/be better at it/more confident than she is. It makes her doubt her own decisions and therefore get cross.

Metatron · 13/03/2009 21:18

FIllyjonk - remove the key.

Your house your rules.

I trained my inlaws out of just coming in instead of knocking by locking the door before the arrived - every time. The clunk as the door didn't open made me very happy!

I don't get why the would go through your drawers? Nosiness, helping? It has to stop your DH has to do it.

pranma · 28/03/2009 14:36

I have a key to my dd's house but only go if they know and if they are in I always ring the bell if they are in.I have a key because I look after dgs one day a week.I have a daughter in law and 2 step daughters in law and get on rally well with all of them.My thinking is 'their child their rules'and also I accept totally that to most women their own mother is much more significant then their m-i-l.I really believe that old rhyme:'Your son is your son till he takes him a wife;your daughter's your daughter for all of her life'.

pranma · 28/03/2009 14:38

rally =really

RustyBear · 28/03/2009 14:46

I'm not a gran yet, but I do have grown up children who are both at university - they still live here in the holidays & obviously have keys & come & go as they like, but if I went to their term time homes I wouldn't expect to just walk in.

Our own parents always knocked & waited to be let in (though I wouldn't vouch for MIL not doing a bit of snooping if left alone ), but both DH & I still just walk in to our parents' homes, as we did when we lived there and I think I'd expect DD & DS to do the same even when they have officially moved out - but I wouldn't expect to do the same, I think that having once lived there makes the difference.

Gracie123 · 06/05/2011 17:50

I'm with whoever said change the locks.

But that is expensive. Could you find an excuse to ask for your key back? Maybe you or DH could lose yours, or a neighbour might need a spare to water your plants whilst your on holiday?

gkys · 07/05/2011 20:00

Ganny22 feel sure you and my mum are related, my grandmother did exactly what you described, we thought it was a one!

Mellowfruitfulness · 08/05/2011 16:20

I have had to work hard at not making comparisons - I do it all the time in my head, and they often slip out at unguarded moments. They are truly not helpful!

Having said that, one of the great joys for me of being a grandmother is watching my children dealing with their kids and making decisions and knowing that whatever they decide about their own offspring they will have thought about it carefully, and they have just as much chance as anyone else of making the right decisions.

This doesn't stop me worrying occasionally, but ime there are very few decisions that can have really bad consequences, and in a few years' time, things that seem so important now will be completely forgotten.

That's not to say it's all hunky-dory, though. I occasionally feel upset if I think I'm being excluded - but it's really not up to them to supply whatever it is that is missing from my own life. Much more often I feel very flattered and grateful to be included in what they're doing.

When I look at the busy lives of my children and their partners, I really want to help, but have to be careful. My son explained to me once that me sympathising with my DIL was being taken as a criticism, as if I thought she couldn't cope. She's actually a very capable woman. That was a good lesson for me, as I had no idea she felt like that!

Women try so hard to prove that they are good mothers, and I wish I could tell my DIL I think she's a great mum. I suppose the best way to do that is simply to show her the respect of not questioning what she does with her kids, and following her lead. She will relax in time anyway, but I do seem to make her quite tense sometimes. Not entirely sure why - maybe she just finds me irritating, or she might just wish she could have the time alone with her husband and kids.

Another lesson I have learnt is never to underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation and hormones, and not to take offence if people are snappy and don't want to chat when they are trying to do ten things at once ...

Lurking in the background until needed and only offering to help after 1) looking at what is really needed and being specific; 2) being sure that my motives are truly to help rather than just for me to feel involved, are other lessons I am trying to learn.

Something I think I give to my kids and their partners is the certainty that I am rooting for them and am on their side, and that their children get a lot of love when they are with me.

But - it's a work in progress ...

SusanneLinder · 10/05/2011 11:14

I only advice only if I am asked for it, even if I am tempted to butt in with my opinions. I do offer to look after DGS to give parents a break, and LOVE doing it. I would never ever walk into her house uninvited,but would expect her to do it in mine as this was her family home.

Helped out with housework when DGS was a newborn, and then wondered if I was overstepping the mark and saying she could't cope. Mind you, having 3 girls, DD is the mum, so not the MIL issue thang.

dizzyblonde · 17/05/2011 22:05

My parents stayed with me after each of the DC's were born and were worth their weight in gold. Any differences were easy to deflect with a ' well I'd like to try it this way'. Oh how I wish them and my MIL (who was lovely) were still around to show the pride I know that they would have in their grandchildren. Those that have minor differences with grandparents should always remember that thay may not always be there to disagree with. My parents and MIL are sadly missed.

LittlePushka · 17/07/2011 23:30

here goes, swimming against the tide again,....I absolutely adore my parents in law. I love seeing them, I love my children seeing them and my mother in law is an amazing woman - a shining example of mother hood and grandmotherhood. She has no daughters - but three daughters in law and we all love her very much. And I tell her so.

She has a very different way to me, for sure, but that is fine by me. She has years of experience with children and grandchildren and won her maternal spurs a long time ago. I am very respectful of her and she of me (of all her daughters in law).

She (and FIL, of course) is always welcome in my home and if she needed to come and stay indefinitely I would welcome her gladly. She and her sisters and wider family have always made me feel welcomed into and part of their family and that is a wonderful feeling.

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