Any grandparents (or anyone else really) want to shed light on the eternal MIL/DIL struggle? But especially the BOUNDRIES issue...

[FillyjonkisCALM]

Very few people seem to have a really decent relationship with their PIL.

With me, an awful lot of it comes down to boundries, and their lack of respect for mine. For example, my PIL think nothing of walking into my house without knocking (they have a key, given to them for EMERGENCIES), going through our drawers, answering our phone (and in fact freely giving out our phone number without our permission).

A lot of it is, I think, that they see the house as dp's, not mine (WHY I do not know, it is in joint names and until I became a SAHM I paid 50% of the mortgage )

And then there is the endless "in our day...because of course we know everything..." comments.

And also FIL is very sexist, and bascially a boor. But that is a WHOLE other issue.

I think this is a very common problem, and am genuinely interested in hearing how it is from the other side...

(of course you are probably all LOVELY grannies and thusly don't even know what I am talking about...)

Message withdrawn

My mil and I had slight issues when we were newly married, but now that her ds has lived with me longer than her, we rub along nicely.

Having said that, 140 miles distance probably helps.

Hi Do you want to know the inlaws side. I would never dream of going through anyone else's drawers unless as I often do, when asked, I love to tidy up the toy cupboards and sort out grandchildren's clothes or put clothes away after doing the washing. (that's because my daughter lives abroad so we stay for perhaps 2 weeks at a time so I like to help out). I realise that things have changed since I had my children eg disposable nappies, dummies etc but that is the way parents bring up their children nowadays so we grandparents have to go along and do what parents do. My future DIL is now pregnant and she said I can do anything I like in their house to help but I would never go in when there is no-one there. There are classes at the hospital for grandparents so my friend (whose daughter is expecting twins) and I are going along. I think that is a good idea for granparents to learn about bringing up babies nowadays. We did what was fashionable in our day but I realise things have changed a lot. No I am not perfect, it is not easy being a gran but great fun.

scottishgran that is interesting.

But you do sound very nice

we had a big argument last night about how "our house should be their house.". And I am sorry, but it ISN'T. It is OUR house.

Am not trying to rant, I suppose I am trying to somehow see their side of this one. It seems quite clearly unreasonable to me-I don't treat their house as my own-but reasonable to them...

DP IS their pfb (OH yes), I suppose this could have something to do with it...

I agree - your house is your house not theirs. However I really like the way my grandchildren come to stay with us and make themselves so at home. They know where everything is (at least what concerns them) and just go upstairs and play with toys.

I feel that our house is also my daughters' home as it is where they grew up and returned for holidays from uni or when they were ill. However it does not apply the other way round as their houses were never my home and I try to behave like a good guest when there.

I find our mother=granny/daughter=mother/
grandchildren relationships easy as I did when my mother became granny and I became mother. However, my MIL was a nightmare who having had only one son seemed to think our first DD was 'hers' whilst ignoring our second DD.

I never forgave her for shifting all my furniture around, making up the cot with bedding which she had brought and changing the set of clothes which DH was bringing to the hospital to take the baby home. I had spent months choosing what I wanted babygro + snowbunny suit (It was January) and she substituted frilly frock, hat, mitts, bootees and shawl.

When we arrived home she ordered DH back to work and me upstairs to feed baby as FIL would be embarassed!

Sounds like MIL from hell. I had a great MIL - never interfered unless asked and was always there when anyone wanted her. Mind you she did worry a bit too much about all her family but that's what mums do. We had a laugh after she came to stay as we could not find some of the dishes that she had put away - but she was only trying to be helpful. Sadly she passed away 2 years ago at the age of 85 and was active till the end. My husband used to take her shopping and he always came back with a bag of groceries - he got all the buy one get one free items.

Fillyjonk
You are right, Scottishgran is lovely and almost always right.

My MIL would never think to look through our drawers btw, and does not interfere in the upbringing of our children.

Scottishgran
Did you get my email? you were supposed to rescue me from a moaning pal by phoning on my mobile

i have no parents and had a very strained relatinship with my mil as much from me as her i was only 19 and hadnt learned to 'bend' to accomodate otherpeople and instead of being happy she and her son(my hubs) had a good relationship i was i suppose green eyed jealous she wasnt angelic either and used tactics to keep me on the outside,well i got my wish and when our son was almost 1 we moved away from her how little did i realise soon wed be driving back to nurse a frightened terminally ill shadow of herself .....now i look back and i see life really is too short i wish id made more efforts and i wish id have been more accomodating .....a grandma is a wonderful asset to a familyunit if you can play it right on both sides my childrens lives are definitely poorer for having no nanna...we do however have a grandad fil who is fantastic and a super grandad not in the hands on sense just the being there i couldnt ask for more ....well i could id ask for his wife back.
so please understand im not lecturing you i know they can be bloody hard work but sometimes mums in law are diamonds and yu miss em when theyre gone xxx

That is sad, Dippydeedoo. I do appreciate my mum and my MIL, especially after hearing some of the MIL stories on here.

I do think that it has to be a effort on both sides though. If only the DIL is accomodating then it is going to cause friction.

better watch what I say on mumsnet as DD is watching. sorry did not get your email - was too busy getting computer to work and watching coronation street.

Gosh, no one knocks when they come into our house, not a single person, they all just walk in and the door is never locked...is this bad?
It suits us and we like the fact that familily and friends feel comfy enough to pop in and put the kettle on!
PIL do tend to knock 1st tho and used to come to our house to look after ds. mil wouldnt even wash up a cup that she hadnt used never mind go through drawers etc.
(she would wash her cup, nothing else in the sink even just 1 other cup! lazy biach
LOl when someone does knock we all look at each other Peter Kay style and say "who the bloody hell is that??"

i had a huge problem with my PIL they also just came around without calling and just walked in. my MIL used to come around very day and just sit there expecting me to wait on her. OH works most days with his own business so he wasnt even there. i used to go out every day just so i didnt have to deal with her. we used to have cctv so i could see when she had been around. when i got fed up after a couple of years i had a huge argument on the phone with FIL and he said my MIL had a right to come around and let herself in whenever she wanted as she was DH mother and they had a right to have the children whenever they wanted. i will not let them look after the children as she has a drinking problem and is on so many anti-depresents that she is vacant alot of the time. not really suitable to look after children and she leaves her tablets on the worktop in the kitchen in arms reach of the kids. they did a terrible job of bringing up their children but think they were great parents and their house is not at all child friendly and they have made no attempt to make it safe.
we almost split up over MIL lying to FIL and OH about me. they said i was rude to ask them to phone first before they came around. i think its rude not to call because if they do come around and we are going out the are nasty so we cant go out. i had to be very unwelcoming to them to stop them coming around. i dont mind them and we used to get on ok until we had children. i dont want to babysit my MIL and i am sorry she has problems but its not my responsibility to look after her and wait on her hand and foot when she comes around because she is lonely as FIL is always out.

There is a reason why there is a ocean and a continent between me and my MIL!! I suppose the thing is is that we both want the same thing but come from such different angles...

My MIL dissaproves of a lot of things that I do (I think it is a generational thing - if there is such a word!!), but somehow the fact that there are 4 other patners who are also given the same/worse treatment, I somehow feel it isn't me..

It is so hard not to take things personally and she is so passive-aggressive and so unlike my mum..

i think the problem with my in-laws is they feel they own their children and when we were married and had children they therefore owned me and our home. they interfere with everything they can. they even told me waht baby names i could and couldnt use (and one name i couldnt use because it was their neighbours first name and they didnt like him!!!!)
they dont have alot of friends and dont really get on with each other, so we are something to keep them occupied.
i would love them to be a bit involved and have an input into our childrens lives BUT not control us. i dont let anybody tell me what to do whilst OH will just do what his parents say because he cant be bothered with the winging and hassle they give him. When his dad wants him to do something he doesnt shut up until he gets his own way, it does get really bad and his mum just cries to get her own way and because she is unstable it works every time (except with me)
My parents are not like that, in fact they are the other way and i have to make such an effort to get them to see us.
as a result i dont get any help and as OH is working all the time i do feel like a single mum!!
i would love to move to the other side of the world to get rid of them but they would surely then come and stay for months at a time which would be worse!!!!!.
i have friends who have lovely in-laws, they go out as a family and have a great time

My MIL seems to think that every decision I take which is different from what she would do is a deliberate snub. It isn't. I just do things differently.

She was delighted to have grandchildren (she'd thought she wouldn't have any as dh didn't look as though he was likely to get married and sil had fertility problems) and doted on our eldest two dss, until her dd managed to have a child and now my three boys are rarely seen by her but she has dniece several times a week. She went down in my estimation when this happened and now I don't go out of my way to include her in our lives, when I had made huge efforts to do that previously. Her loss.

My mil is okay, but seems to have a few problems with me and my choices. She likes to take over when she is around my son and disagrees with a lot. For example i breastfed at first but when i choose to move on to formula she expressed that i shouldn't. She covers my son on woolen shawls on sunny days, even if he is wearing shorts n tee.
I am a vegitarian, i made this choice when i was a student but her father was a butcher and she strongly disagrees with it. So much that she made a sausage casarol for dinner when we were over and when my oh asked where mines was she replied " beggers can't be choosers"
I just ignore her comments now though because i guess she probably wont change!

well i dont have a key to dd2 house so only go there when asked /expected

my ds also lives there and the house belomgs to my exh

i have the oppositie problem in that ds and dd1 have keys to my house and wander in whether i am here or not and borrow hahahaha stuff

i do have a key to d11 house which she shares with her bf it belongs to me and is in my back garden but i dont go in there unless asked

they dont have chidlren
onkly dd2 has a chid who is now 4

clearly i do know everything about children but i dont profffer much info except when asked

of course im not old either so we dont have a generation gap thing

we are all equals really except i am wiser

My MIL and I have had many issues. DH is an only child and MIL used to control his every move. At age 20 he wasn't allowed to sleep out as his mum was 'scared on her own'. In her eyes, I stole DH away and she wanted to be 'close' to DH and Gkids while excluding or being very rude to me. She actually offered to pay halves to an abortion when she found out I was pg with DD1 (we had never considered that option, she suggested or tried to make us do that). Then when DD was born she was all over her, round every day etc. Refused to call first, she said 'why should I make an appointment to see my own son!' She would snatch DD and ignore me for hours. She didn't even say hello to me when coming round.

She also said that DH and SHE were 'the family' and me and our kids are DHs 'extended family'. She hated us getting married (and made it a nightmare) and has done so many awful things, all revolve around her wanting to control things and have things her way, otherwise she tantrums. I just don't get why she didn't just realise that by being aggressive and demanding she was making things worse. How can she expect to treat me like dirt and be happy families?

It makes me worried incase that's me one day!! ( the crazed mil) Let's promice to behave when it's our turns!
I don't know how she can possibly think being off and aggressive will get her anywhere.

Me and my mate have solved this one, my dd and her ds will get married so the mums will be really good mates and our mil's can be a pain so we both know to behave and can tell each other if our kids have said the other one's been a pain in the arse!

does anyone else feel that DH doesnt have a bad relationship with my your parents but his parents i.e. your in-laws are SO ANNOYING

god forbid us mothers should know what to do

why do they have a key?

Filly, what does your dh say about following?

we had a big argument last night about how "our house should be their house.". And I am sorry, but it ISN'T. It is OUR house.

I'm of the 'fuck off or I'm changing the locks'school of thought myself!

Outrageous!!

I like my PIL's

However, since the birth of DD (now 8 months) I have found that relations between my MIL and my
own mum are more strained. Until DD came along there wasn't anything that I cared enough about for me to find them intefering.

I know I am a bit PFB but I want to stand on my own feet and make my own (minor!) mistakes.

I think my own mum is worse than my MIL, but I feel judged by the pair of them.

Just silly things like the fact that they mention that I shouldnt put her in a gym creche for an hour, shouldnt let her ever eat a jar of food (!) and that she gets too dirty eating .. ?! Does any of that really matter!

She is 8 months old and has been in the gym creche for a total of 5 hours and loves it!