Sexless marriage - advice please (a bit long)

[NotYetOverTheHill]

I'm a regular but have name changed. Give me your advice. I'm posting here because I want women my age to respond please. I hope some of you can be thoughtful and not too harsh.

I have a loving DH who'd do anything for me, but we have no sex life and I am thinking of walking away from my marriage because it's driving me nuts.

DH and I have been married over 30 years , 2 grown up DCs.
Our sex life has never been great. It was what I'd call 'comfy' rather than a huge passion. DH is a kind and very gentle caring man but I never felt overwhelmed with' tear his clothes off desire' for him. The first couple of years were fine but then things slowed down sex wise.

We have not had regular sex for 3 years except for a quick bout around 6 months ago ( a couple of times.) DH blames the fact he sleeps in the spare room. I admit I asked him to because he needs the loo a lot at night (sometimes 2-3 times) and he also is a very fidgety sleeper and was waking me up a lot.

I am getting more and more annoyed that he won't take my feelings seriously. He has no issues with erections, is fit and looks 10 years younger than he is ( and so do I, I'm told). He always showers me with compliments. But whenever I say I am not happy with no sex life, he simply says 'we'll have to do something about it', says it's harder since we don't share a bedroom, but nothing changes.
I'm starting to hate him for it and that in itself makes me want to pull away.
We don't even kiss except for a hello and goodbye peck.

A while back an old friend (single, male) and I got a bit too close and it bordered on moving onto something else but we both pulled back realising it wasn't sensible or going anywhere. What it showed me was I still have desire and want to be desired.

I suppose I am offloading here and asking if you would leave a long marriage which was good in other ways, if there was no passion any more?

In all honesty the sex has never been that great; DH is almost too gentle rather than passionate. Like he handles me with kid gloves.

I know the future on my own could be bleak, my DCs would be mortified if we split, but I feel I'm going to die without ever having had a really good sex life! Does anyone understand this? I know I could meet other men who might be better in bed but not nice as people. Am I being really silly?

I think this sounds very sad, and I do think it would be a shame to break up an otherwise happy marriage for this reason. It's too easy to say "We must do something about it" about anything at all, if you then don't make the effort to rectify the situation. Have you tried initiating it? What is to stop you going to his room and surprising him? What about saying, early in the evening "You said we must do something about it...what about tonight?" If all else fails, I think you should consider counselling before making a drastic decision like leaving.

Have you considered he's more put out about being relegated to the spare room than you appreciate?

Separate rooms is putting another barrier in the way. What about booking a weekend away somewhere, take some sexy lingerie and kick start your sex life again?

You could try sex counselling I've heard it can work

He's telling you straight what the problem is but you're not listening:

DH blames the fact he sleeps in the spare room
says it's harder since we don't share a bedroom, but nothing changes.

Try changing it then. Invite him back to the marital bed and see what happens. I would feel rejected if my wife moved me into the spare room and would feel used if she thought she could just invite me into "her" bed as and when she felt like sex. Men have feelings too you know. I appreciate he's hard to sleep with but there are other ways of dealing with that than permanently relocating him to the spare room.

Out of interest, has he spoken to the doctor about having to get up frequently for the toilet? When did he last have his prostate checked?

Are you both still working and have to be up early and busy all day? If not, could you try sleeping together a couple of nights or or having coffee and a cuddle in the same bed in the morning. You sound like you are blaming him but you can initiate sex too. Maybe asking him to leave the marital bed has upset him more than you realise. I'm not sure divorce is the answer here.

I am in a sexless marriage also, and like you my husband is a perfect husband in every other way, kind, genrerous, caring, and 100% faithful, (cos apart from work) we spend most of our time happily in each others company. Yes, its frustrating sometimes, but I really dont think I would be happy with out him. He is my best friend and thats more important to me than sex. It has been good in the past but the last 6yrs its all but over, and I doubt it will ever come back.

I would be hesitant to move on .. if he is a nice man .