Ex-MIL and boundaries. Help!

[chocoraisin]

I need some advice on how to handle this. Ex-MIL is grandmother to my boys (2 and 4) and mother to my abusive ex-H. When I became a single parent I was pg and my eldest was only 18months so I needed a lot of support. MIL and her DH were lovely and did everything they could. I cannot fault them.

Fast forward 3 years. Ex-H is still making life miserable, and I'm about to begin mediation. He regularly sends abusive messages to his mother about her being supportive of me. I am in a happy relationship with my new DP and have been for a year.

Ex-MIL and her DH returned the boys to me after they saw their dad this weekend, and I was home with DP. I didn't realise they would want to stop in, but they came in and immediately wanted to talk to DP, cracking jokes about the many men I've dated (I haven't, bloody inappropriate) and then when he made excuses and left tried to grill me about his arrangments with his ex (I deflected, again - none of their bloody business). Ex-MIL then announced that she wanted a tour of my house as we've recently moved. I wasn't expecting it, wasn't prepared and it felt incredibly intrusive to have her looking at mine and DPs space. Even though I specifically asked her not to go in our bedroom, she did, insisting that she didn't mind if it was messy. Well I bloody do! I'm not with her son anymore, this is my house and my space!

I don't know how to re-frame our relationship so that she understands I love and repect her and her DH as my children's grandparents. But she is not my in-law, I am not her daughter, and I need much more space than she appears to realise. I don't want to offend her, but I was more than a little peeved to get a text when she left saying she approves of DP. I don't appreciate feeling like my life is being 'vetted' by my aresehole ex's mum!

How do I broach this/change this situation without being unduly hurtful? At the end of the day I do like her and we've worked hard to maintain their relationship with my boys. But I can't pretend I want the sort of closeness with me and my DP they seem to want. Seeing the boys is no problem, and me in that context. But seeing me, DP's kids, DP and my boys feels very odd and unwelcome (by both me and DP, who I also want to respect in this situation).

Help!!

It sounds like she still thinks she is one of the family whereas you think of her as your ex-mil. I don't think it odd she is interested in your DP. If she cares for you and her GC then she'd be interested in who your living with. Does she have a DD herself? Where you like a daughter to her? Maybe she is scared of being pushed out now you have support from DP and is worried that as you no longer need her, your relationship will weaken.

I am finding it really hard to know how to be with her, partly because ex-H is still such an arse. I know he's horrible to her as well as to me so I'm constantly anxious about her getting caught in the middle. There was a recent issue where he blamed her for telling me something (she didn't) then cut her off or verbally abused her for about 2 months as a result. I worry about it and honestly I need to feel less responsible for his behaviour (and hear less about it).

It's especially tricky as DP understandably doesn't want anything to do with my ex, so he feels very uncomfortable being friendly with his mum. I feel very caught in the middle trying to make it feel normal, when deep down, I think I agree with DP that we need more boundaries.

She does have a DD, but they live far away. I don't want to push her out in a hurtful way, but I do need to separate from being part of their family in a DIL way because I'm not. And that's a big part of me being able to move on with my own life after the mess XH left us in. Am I selfish for needing to do this? :(

You are not being selfish at all. Does she know the effect that hearing about X's behaviour has on you? Have you told her you don't want to know what he is doing/saying unless it directly impacts your DSs?

When he is abusive towards her does her own DH not say anything?