Advice from grandparents needed!

[Stevie77]

Not sure how best to handle this situation, so you may be able to shed some light or give opinions that we haven't considered yet.

My MIL and her sister help with DD (aged 4) half a day per week, the rest of the time she goes to nursery. They are both retired but young and fit. It started off ok but has deteriorated over the last few months. There are a number of issues:

1. All they do on the half day is go to the supermarket and do food shopping, or sit in the supermarket cafe. They also go to the library and get books, occasionally they'll go to the playground if DD asks but spend the majority of that time in the supermarket.

1. They keep buying every piece of tat she lays her eyes on, despite being asked repeatedly to stop doing that. Our house is completely overrun with stuff as it is, without piles of useless Chinese tat that we can't get rid of because DD remembers and looks for. We also have an issue with the messages this gives DD: that she'll get whatever she wants and around the value of money and of possessions.

1. They fuss over her in a very overbearing way. If I compare it to how my mum is with her, she is a lot more natural and normal in her behaviour, she'll "tell her off" in an appropriate way if she feels she is misbehaving. This never happens with them. In fact, they tend to use a rather false tone of voice when they speak to her, almost condescending? Babyish? Not sure how to describe it.

If we ask one of them to come and look after her for a short while, when we return the other is there too. We don't feel this over-attention is healthy, nor is there always a need for both of them.

As you can tell this is causing a lot of resentment on our behalf. The next step is for DH to have a word, but we're not sure how to cover these issues without offending.

Oh also, according to DH this used to be an issue between his parents when him and his brothers were young. MIL and sister's parents apparently behaved similarly with the boys.

The problem when getting free help from family is that they're doing you a favour and you more or less have to accept they way they do things.

To be honest, I don't think your MIL and her sister are doing anything I would consider beyond the pail. I think if you try and tell them that you want them to use a different tone of voice when they speak to her, or don't want both of them to be there because it's giving your DD too much attention they'll think you're being very petty. It seems like their hearts are very much in the right place.

Just because they do things different from your mum doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong.

Threads like this make me despair as the mother of 3 boys.

Sorry but they are doing you a favour, you just need to suck it up! The only thing you could suggest is maybe keeping the things they buy your DD at their houses?

They are probably always with your DD together because they love spending time with her. I don't see why it matters?

If you're that bothered, put her I'm a nursery instead.

Maybe your DD likes it at the supermarket? It's only once a week it won't kill her.

My mother has a fridge magnet (which I did not give her). It says:

"Grandma's House. Children spoilt to order."

It took me about 10y to come to terms with it.

I think this is a case of "Don't sweat the small stuff". Your dc is being showered with love and affection. People have different ways if showing live and affection.

One day a week she's at the supermarket. Not a big deal unless shd herself is bored or frustrated.

What granny and great-auntie are teaching her is not that she can get anything she wants, but that she can get anything she wants out of them. They're are creating rods for their own backs, not yours.

Does she spend time in their houses? Can you insist that their gifts be kept in their houses, 'so that dd has her own special toys at granny's'?
Does your dd love her dg and dga? Is she happy with them? Do they interfere with your parenting? If you chill and let them get on with it, will it cause any problems?

Your MIL sounds like she loves your dd and you sound ungrateful and critical. She was a good enough mother to bring up your husband, whom I am presuming you like and think is a good guy... I would just be happy that she enjoys your daughter and is willing to help you out. Your daughter is getting adored by her extended family - how can that be bad? Of course you think your mother does things correctly, but that is because you are her daughter...I feel sorry for your MIL, (and I hope my ds's never come to me with such petty complaints as it would break my heart)

Firstly, I wouldnt try and compare your MIL to the Mum, they are different people, how your Mum does things is going to be very different to your MIL, Aunt, Neighbour and Uncle Tom Cobbly.

Really they are not doing any harm, and as long as your dc is happy and has a good relationship with them thats all that really matters, it such a little amount of time each week. Dont stress about the tat, as new bits come in sneak the older bits out. Supermarkets are fine, so is the library, in fact the library is great to be going to even if its just to get them familiar with books.

What would you like them to do with her?

It looks to me that the issue is more with you than your DD who clearly enjoys her 'treat' half day! And free childcare to boot!

I'm with JeanSeberg on this one...

It's only half a day. I think it is great that they both want to spend time with your DD. I have 6 GC and work full time, I would love to be able to spend more time with them. I think you are over-reacting.