How best to help after new baby is born.

[Icyalittle]

DD and her DH have asked me to go and stay when their first baby is born in a month's time. Can't wait, but I am desperate to get it right, not to get in the way of their bonding and their own needs. (First time gran for me too). What should I do / absolutely not do? Please advise.
(I do know I am there to do housekeeping things, so that DD can cuddle her baby!

I can't believe how many lovely mners have taken the time to help me out. Thank you all so much. Loads of things I hadn't thought of.

I have an amazing friend who has a baby Grand-daughter. (Her son's baby). She was at the home-birth, and stayed to help her dil establish breastfeeding, while helping clean etc. Mainly she seems to have really fostered confidence in the baby's mother, supporting her in feeling that she as the mother is the expert on her own baby. The baby is 12 weeks now and my friend has been a brilliant MIL, she has just been there when needed, done practical stuff, but not taken over in any way, she's been guided by what her DIL wants and has really listened. I wish she was my MIl tbh. She has a really great relationship with her DIL and son. (and the new baby). You sound lovely op, I'm sure you will be a huge help.

I'm actually teary reading this thread as it takes me back those amazing heady first few weeks. Really good tips, I especially like stargirl's post. This thread should be compulsory reading for all GPs to be (and other relatives /friends)

Actually good point...maybe post on the baby board. Get some more advice from those currently with newborns. It can be a crazy time.

My mil stayed with us for a week after dd was born. My dh was away with work for the week when dd was 4 weeks old. She was ace.

This is what she did- when dd woke and had first feed (breastfed) my mil took dd and let her sleep on her chest until next feed so I could get some sleep. She NEVER criticised or said I was doing it wrong ( she has 4 kids and our dd was her 5th grandchild so she was pretty experienced!). She would take dd when i asked no matter what she was doing. She took pictures. She made food and coffee. She took dd for walks and generally kept me company. She washed up, and got me out of the house to a local cafe for coffee and cake.

She got up in the night to see if I was ok when dd WOULD NOT SLEEP and took over for a bit. I love my mil.

Sorry , let's try tat link again here

Can you come and stay with me too, OP? Please?! Lots of good advice here. I'd also suggest that as your DD and your DH have asked you to stay for so long, that they know what a massive support and help you're going to be. I think it would be very unlikely that they'd have asked had they had any reservations. Congratulations on soon-to-becoming-a-Grandmother!

What a lovely thread. I think its lovely you are being so thoughtful especially as there are so many threads on MN about interfering Mothers! Your daughter sounds really lucky to have such a considerate mum.

My baby is 4 months old and my mum helped out in the first few weeks. Best thing is follow your daughters lead and see what she wants you to do. If you let her come to you rather than force what you think she needs then you'll be on the right track!

Here is what I appreciated....

Only making parenting suggestions when asked, and not telling me what to do, just giving me options/suggestions in a friendly way

Cleaning the house

Cooking for us, bringing me snacks and drinks

Letting me have a snooze when needed, doing the midnight feed with my expressed milk once which gave me the longest sleep I'd had in weeks.

Telling me things get easier after the first few weeks (lie if you have to!)

Seeing my mum speak so lovingly to my baby and seeing how nicely she did things for us really made me realise how lucky I am to have her and helped show me how to look after my baby by following her example.

Just thought of something else, dh and I had a lot of bickering at first what with the new situation, lack of sleep and my hormones etc, my dm would have prob been upset to experience that. but it all soon blew over and became clear to us why we were so tetchy.

Agree about the bickering. ..best to let that go over your head :)

Oh gosh, your DD is so lucky to have you! This has made me teary-eyed, because I think my DM thought she was helping out, but she made it a bit of a nightmare. Everyone is being v positive, so let me add some things not to do:

• don't criticise ANYTHING.
• don't even go near a criticism of anything!
• don't ask what you should do, just do what needs doing
• don't make your DD feel that you feel you are doing a lot (regardless of whether you actually are or not)
• don't demand to hold the baby. If she feels like holding the baby all day, let her - it will pay off in the long run!
• don't "hang around" - make sure you leave the house every day for a few hours (unless DD explicitly asks you to stay in)
• don't be the first to show the baby the home, sing to the baby, dance with the baby etc.
• don't make any comment about DD looking tired. If you think she's looking tired, as if she's feeling tired instead.
• don't make any hint of a negative remark about the baby's name: it is the best name in the world, regardless!
• if she goes into bed (with or without the baby) don't assume she wants you to follow her in and talk for six hours - either leave her alone, or tell her you'll be around so she can call you if she wants anything.
• don't think that trimming the carpet with nail scissors is in ANY way helpful

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do things like this, but I think that sometimes people are trying so hard to be helpful, they can overstep the mark without realising (wondering about which makes it all the more stressful for the helper).

• DO book yourself a little getaway after, or some treat, because you'll totally deserve some "me time"!

No advice OP as I think you have had great answers already. I just wanted to say that the fact you have been asked and the fact you are taking time and seeking advice on how best to handle it makes me think that you will be fab naturally and now will have the benefit of some extra ideas.
Enjoy x

The fact that you are even asking shows how much you care. I'm sure that you'll be fine. Good luck, you must be so excited :)

Food! Sil was a godsend and bought us loads of lovely m&s meals

Oh crikey, now I really am getting anxious. So many ways to get it wrong! CanTouch, that 'don't ever criticise in any way, ever, ever, ever' is now engraved on the back of my hand. (Thought I'd be more likely to see it there, rather than on my heart).
Thanks a million, everyone, I'm collating these all and taking them with me. I will report back. X

Actually, just been mulling over everyone's advice. The point that everyone has made really is that it's all about my DD and DSiL, isn't it? If they are first and foremost, then what I do to help should just (hah! 'Just'!) reflect that?

You will be fine icy the fact you have posted here shows that you care and that you are going to be very conscious if not getting in the way and trying to relieve the pressure of te house etc. you sound lovely and congratulations on your grand child. :)

fab advice. could I add to praise your daughters dh on his well he is doing as a dad and what a lovely partner he is for your dd (providing he isn't being an arse).he will probably need as much, if not more reassurance than your daughter

I do so wish that I had read this thread when my first DGD was born( eight years ago) but I don't think I knew of Mumsnet's existence. What brilliant advice you've all given.dont forget though that a first GC is soooo special. None of you will know until it happens to you.