How best to help after new baby is born.

[Icyalittle]

DD and her DH have asked me to go and stay when their first baby is born in a month's time. Can't wait, but I am desperate to get it right, not to get in the way of their bonding and their own needs. (First time gran for me too). What should I do / absolutely not do? Please advise.
(I do know I am there to do housekeeping things, so that DD can cuddle her baby!

Clean, cook, chat, hold baby so mum can sleep, offer to do a night feed if ff so that they get a decent block of sleep. Maybe try and get hold of an up to date baby care book. Reading on here mothers and in laws get really moaned at for talking about how they used to do it, when recommendations have changed.

Don't make too many suggestions relating to baby unless asked. Dont ask to many questions relating to any decisons thst need yo be made like what do yiu wnat for dinner etc. I reallu appreciated any food being cooked and any time offered to watch baby so I could rest. Biggest thing though is to be supportive. Not to try to influence her parenting style unless asked for advice. And be smiley :)

Oh and when the baby cries...don't panic or say...must be hungry...etc. let her figure it out without feeling pressured. Offer suggestions if she's stuck. Feeling judged or useless its common especially seeing as you will have done it before. Plus recommendations have changed. Im sure you will be brilliant as you have already thought about her needs....congratulations on your grandchild :)

Great advice, thanks for replies - will smile and smile and keep my mouth shut! Already cooked several lasagnes etc for freezer for after I leave. What's a good modern parenting book? They all seem to argue with each other!

Lots of good suggestions. You can also help to fend off uninvited visitors or those who outstay their welcome, make sure there are lots of biscuits in the house and make/clear up cups of tea/coffee. Don't assume you'll get to do lots of holding of the baby, because it might not work out that way. Don't ask if you can help in the kitchen, empty the washing-machine, just do that kind of thing without being asked. ALso, go out of the house on your own for part of each day, just so they don't feel too crowded.

Congratulations on your grandchild! How lovely of your DD to invite you to stay. I would agree with trying not to interfere too much with childcare and let mum and dad learn by experience! Unless they ask for help of course. And keeping them fed and the house in a vaguely organised state! Also offering to take baby for a walk to give mum a rest. The whole weaning thing seems to be a frequent contentious issue between parents and grandparents, so whilst this obviously won't be an issue initially might be worth reading up a bit on current recommendations (if you're not already aware).Enjoy your first grandchild!

Ooh those are helpful jkklpu and Cognitive. Many thanks for taking the time. I shall go and bake biscuits immediately.

I had tonnes of baby books, but i think this was very helpful, explains each month in turn.

Congratulations on the new grandchild, your DD & SIL are lucky to have you.

I guess another helpful thing is to make cups of tea for the endless visitors and also try and diplomatically get rid if your daughter . grandchild is getting tired (obviously discuss with them before hand)

Aha! Need to agree a signal for 'get rid of current visitor'.... Making notes, making notes.

Also...she may be sensitive or snappy. ..domt take it personally or as a sign you did something wrong. Im sure yiu know your daughter. I would have loved to have a mum who was putting so much thought into it :) you sound lovely. Other thing I thought of...baths/showers really made me feel human again after giving birth...so find what helps her and help her to make time for it without feeling guilty.

Cook, bake, clean, iron, garden, basically everything non-baby related. Bring mum water & nice snack food. If she is bf, gift her a copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. Make a list of who gave which gifts as they arrive. Shoe out visitors who won't leave. Pop out to the shop when the midwife or HV visits. Encourage mum. Tell her she is doing a good job. Pop out for a short walk in the evening so the new family have time together. Know what you are going for if sent on an errand - I sent DH & my Dad for things like a breast pump, nipple shields, hydrogel pads, breast shells, Lansinoh cream, maternity pads, etc. Make sure you know current guidance, i.e. feed on demand so you can support mum. Read up about bf yourself - kellymom website, Dr Jack Newman videos. Offer to change nappies.

Keep telling mum that is doing really well.

Ahh, you sound brilliant! I would have loved my Mum come and stay!

Washing - lots of. Much appreciated. My mum makes my washing smell lush so this would have made me extra happy.

Don't say anything like "silly Mummy!" to the baby in terms of forgetting the particular Muslin...bloody MIL

My Mum used to say "what do you think?" When I was flapping over DS. Loved that, made me feel very clever and Mum brainy.

Enjoy your grandchild xxxx

Also my baby was tough to help sleep. So helping with that is always good if its taking a while. I guess what I found was everyone was so focused on the baby...is he tired, is he hungry, why is he crying...made me feel like they didn't think I could solve it myself. ..they kind of rushed in...I know they were trying to help and grandchildren are very precious but yoir her mum first and foremost. Thats just how I felt... like I was just a tool to keep the baby happy. ..not a person anymore. My dad was the only person who made suggestions to benefit me as well as the baby.

My DMIL & a family friend came for a week each after DH went back to work. My DM is sadly no longer with us.

The things they did which helped most was stuff like:
Tidying kitchen
Washing up/dishwasher
Going for walks with me & DS in pram/sling
Just someone to talk to
As someone said, hold DS while I had a shower
Help prepare meals
Go shopping with me
Make me sit down & have a cuppa

You'll be fine.

Cook and clean and do the washing. I know it's not exciting but believe me it makes all the difference. You sound lovely by the way. Xx and as mentioned above, please don't be offended if she's snappy or off with you. Hormones and pain and exhaustion most likely jeans she won't be in control of how she's feeling. But not being surrounded by mess and clutter will be huge help!!

Also, don't let the Dad feel too excluded.
Perhaps post on Dadsnet to find out what they liked to do when their first DC was born. (eg bathtime / nappy changing) Guess he will not be on paternity leave at the same time

What used to bother you? What would you have liked help with?

Take photos of the baby with mum as I think they can be missed, and of course the three of them.

Agree with the dad thing...try to look after him too. As he will probably feel a little excluded due to the sheer amount of energy hour dd will be spending with the baby.

If dd is bfing don't stand over her, and as above, do the background stuff, washing, cooking cleaning, talking and supporting when dd indicates she has the time, and if dd is ffing offer to give ff, change baby, offer but don't take over. Give dd and sil and dgc space.

Congratulations :)

How amazing, I would have loved this help. If Son in law is working, you will prob come into your own when he goes back. All above advice is great. I second the advice of not commenting or suggesting on parenting unless asked, it's hard to get past all the conflicting advice and find your own way. I got in a real tiz about routines and sleep and just ended up doing my own thing in the end but dm didn't seem to understand at the time. I like the 'what to expect ' book mentioned above as it covers all styles of parenting plus gives important official guidelines too. Your dd should get the birth to five NHS book too, I would advise to read this as includes important guidelines on feeding and weaning , very different to how my mum did weaning 36 years ago and even my sister 3 years ago. Also I'm sure you will, but go out a bit too or have your own space to retreat to to let them have some precious family time.Enjoy !

Cognitive you have really put things into perspective for me about making sure my DD feels supported and that she is doing things right. I know she will be great, but this is such a big change in her life too. As she said, she is never going to be the youngest in the family again.
Good point about not taking things personally too.

You must be so excited! I think if you can help your daughter adapt...that's the best way to ensure your grandchild benefits :). I reallu think you will be wonderful. Enjoy every second! :)

Some great advice on here already. Not sure how your dd will want to feed her baby. If she does ff the advice on making bottles has changed, have a look here. The thing most people don't seem to realise is that the water needs to be that hot to kill the bacteria in the formula, not the water.

If she chooses to bf the womanly art of bfing is a great suggestion. There is some great information on kellymom. Think the bit "for dads" might just include DGrans too

My dmil turned up when she knew my bf was coming for lunch and then sat there for two hours and never lifted a finger. Usually she s great but I just wanted her to leave on that day and soon. She also bought me a copy of the contented little baby which was a kind thought but not very bfing friendly, in fact its on the kellymom list of books to avoid.

My dn gave birth last year and I bought her the Baby Book, which she loved. I bought [[http://www.nctshop.co.uk/Babycalming-Caroline-Deacon/productinfo/2167/ Babycalming before having dc2 and really wish I'd read it before having dc1. Might be a nice gift for her before you have the baby

Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

I think the best baby book is "your baby week by week". It gives little break downs that you just about have time thread and doesn't try to fit all babies into one box (eg says breastfed babies may ave between 0-10 nappies a day and this is all normal) so I found it very reassuring to know how different babies can be and that mine isn't abnormal compared to all the others I know.

You sound great by the way. I'm currently staying with my parents for a week with my 10 week old and they're cooking my favourite meals, providing constant water, tea and some adult conversation. Changing nappies and burping the bubba so I can nap immediately after a feed to get the longest nap time and reassuring me that I'm doing well and it's normal for a baby (in this family) to feed constantly and sleep very little! They're also trying to help in my quest to get the baby to take one bottle of formula a day even though I'm sure my mum doesn't agree with this but there's no judgement there which is great.