Asking grandparents to take on childcare - top tips please!

[nm123]

DD is 8 months and I'll be going back to work 3 days a week when she's 12 months. Ideally she'll do 2 days in nursery and 1 day with each of the grandparents in rotation:

• My mum, (has already offered 1 day per week but can be a bit overbearing) works as needed for my step-dad's business
• MIL, works full time but has off every Monday and Tuesday (instead of weekends)
• My dad & stepmum (dad semi-retired/self-employed, stepmum works full time)

So they would each have DD once a week every 3 weeks. My thinking is that it means they all get "even" dibs on looking after DD, it's not too much of a strain on their time (ie stepmum would have to use annual leave unfortunately and MIL using one of her regular days off) and if I need to increase my hours at work or eventually have another baby and need more help, or if they want to spend extra time with DD outside of "childcare days" or we need a babysitter, we're not taking the pee....

My mum doesn't tend to listen to anything I say routine-wise and will gladly let DD get overexcited/stimulated/tired if it means she's getting time/cuddles with DD (which drives me nuts) but is so far the only one really who has looked after DD for any length of time (ie whole day/evening when we've gone to a wedding or similar). MIL is sweet but has barely seen DD really. Dad is pretty laid back and I have no worries with him, stepmum has never had kids so sometimes doesn't "get" things. I hope this doesn't sound nasty, just trying to explain each to give more context....... DD is pretty spirited/high needs and a bad napper in the day. I did write down some "instructions" for when mum had her for that day/evening but it got totally ignored and I was made to feel a bit of a control freak, so am now trying to get the balance between asking them to respect the way I do things and not being too precious. Also, for what it's worth, we don't really have a routine as such as it varies from day to day depending on what time DD gets up first thing and how her naps go....

I plan to get a spare high chair (Ikea one) and travel cot as well as other odds and sods that DD can use at their houses for this day (I'll be working from home so she'll be going to them). I'd also like to do some settling in sessions closer to the time so DD is comfortable with it all (still BFing at the mo and don't have enough time to pump to do settling-in just yet).

What do you think? Is this a reasonable request? Anything else I need to think about in terms of positioning/asking them? I don't think they'll expect payment, but I will certainly offer - is £20 per day reasonable? Is it inappropriate to differentiate "childcare days" from "days out with the grandparents"? I'm sure the grandparents will just see it as a day out, but I don't want it to take 3 days to calm DD down after being spoilt or similar with the GPs for 1 day a week!

Anyway, keen to hear thoughts from you grandparents, I may also post on the childcare boards too....

Thanks in advance!

Have any of them offered or are you asking? Some / all of them may not want to look after DD on a regular basis.

Blimey, £20 per day? That is very cheap!

Have they offered? it's a pretty big favor.

You are expecting your step mother to take a day's annual leave every third week to look after your child? Why? Is your father not capable enough to do it by himself?

Chances are they won't differentiate between child care days and days out with grandchild, do you'll need to accept that, as well as accepting that they will do things differently to how you would. Can you live with that?

TBH it all sounds like a bit of a headache to organise... Maybe get your little one used to daycare first before bringing GPs into the equation? It's a huge change, especially at a year old and if she struggles settling in to nursery it might be too disruptive for her initially to be getting used to alternative child care on top of nursery.

This sounds like a terrible idea. You don't like the way your mum looks after your baby, your mil isn't interested and your step mum doesn't get kids.

Do three days nursery, it will be far less stressful for everyone

Your DM has offered a day a week and appears to have enough time available to do that. The other two couples will have to put themsleves out quite a bit to fit in a day of childcare every third week (using annual leave or using a precious "weekend" day).

It isn't clear to me whether they have volunteered, like your DM has, or whether you just assume that they would want to do this.

I think paying them £20 is strange. It is far too small an amount to represent payment for the day's work, and nowhere near enough to bind them to the deal iyswim. I don't think it will make them see a childcare day as being different from a day out with DD just because £20 is involved.

I also think that they might not regard it as the cast iron commitment you will need it to be, as it only happens once every three weeks. My guess is at the last minute they might find the childcare day clashes with something else and let you down. Maybe not, of course. You know them. I don't.

I don't think you can ask them, they've got to offer. So if your Mum has offered couldn't she just do one day each week and your little one would do 2 days nursery? Write her a little handbook, very detailed but written in a light hearted way

Ime you need to let other providers of childcare do it their own way. Nursery won't do it your way and neither will the gps. I think that so much change in who looks after her will be unsettling for your child tbh

Just an idea, I know nursery is expensive but could you put dd in for another half day. I have had to ask my parents to look after dd as we moved house and I had to work an extra day a week. Dd does half the day at nursery and then my parents pick her up after lunch so they just have the afternoon. I'm guessing at 12 months your dd will still be having a decent nap so if your mum collected her from nursery at 12/1 she would sleep for a couple of hours and your mum would just have a couple of hours in the afternoon? Works well for me as I wouldn't want to rely on GP to have her for a whole day.

The main thing is, if you expect someone else to look after your child then you have to accept the way they do things and not interfere. If they ask for advice on routine etc, fair enough, give it to them, but if they want to do things their own way you have to go with that (within reason of course) as it is just not possible to dictate how someone is with your child when you're not there. If you don't trust someone to look after your DD to a standard that makes you happy then don't ask them to babysit.

To be honest I think you are asking too much.

I do a fair amount of looking after my various grandchildren although my circumstances are very different to yours.

I have 6 Grandchildren, 4 school age and 2 younger

Also my youngest DD is the same age as my eldest GD so I dont really have any problems regarding "rules" that my eldest DD wont like, we are very much the same as far as rules go.

Your mum managed just fine with you didn't she? You may have different ideas but your mum will probably stop the "spoiling" when she sees her GD more often.

As for your stepmum, have I read that right, you expect her to use annual leave to look after your DD? If I have then that is not on! I certainly wouldnt do that, except in extreme circumstances and only if there was really no one else to look after the children (if I read that wrong then I apologise).

By all means ask them, but be prepared for a no, and also understand that they may want to stop at some point, personally I will look after any of my elder 4 (12, 11, 10 and 4) in fact I love having them, but I wont look after the younger 2 (unless it's an emergency) till they are out of nappies.

You also have to think about what will happen if the person looking after your DD that week is ill, at least with nursery there will be someone else there.

MIL might have other things to do on her days off, I dont mind dropping my youngest GD at school now (used to be nursery) but I dont like having her all day during the holidays as my 2 days off are planned for other things, mainly with my own DD (10) but it doesnt make a difference if any of the older GC are there.

By all means ask them, but be prepared for them to say no, sometimes I wish I had never got into the routine I'm in. Dont get me wrong I adore my GC but it can be very restricting, especially with my youngest GD.

I dont think this is a workable idea at all. You want your stepmother to use her own annual leave to provide you with childcare.

£20 isnt what it costs to have a baby looked after for a day, and given that you already worry about your mum doing it right this will probably intensify onces he is doing it.

If they havent offered then it is totally unreasonable to ask. They have no obligation at all to provide you with cheap childcare.

I think the 20 sounds is more for expenses yes? Anyway...I think it sounds like a nightmare to organise. You'll find that it won't go smoothly as with 3 sets of GP involved one set will sometimes have something else to do and you'll be reorganising a lot.

I would speak to them about it and ask their advice...and maybe think about a child minder for one or two days regularly.

Oh and yes...it IS inappropriate to differentiate "childcare days" from ordinary visits.

I know my Mum and Mil would tell me where to get off if I thought 20 quid gave me the right to moan about them getting my DDs "overstimulated"

Overstimulated is what often happens with GP!

"Ideally she'll do 2 days in nursery and 1 day with each of the grandparents in rotation"

Ideal for who?

Just put her in nursery three days. Much less stressful all round. Your mum might be happy to look after her but it's an imposition to make it regular - keep that for treat days when she can enjoy spoiling your dd. My ds doesn't have regular days with grandparents but they still manage to see him plenty and do things with him.

Sounds like the proposed arrangement would be v unsettling for your DD. it is a big change to start nursery anyway and consistency really helps them settle in. Being looked after by a different GP every week would be a lot of change for a young child to cope with.
Also sometimes GPs get into childcare arrangements without thinking of the long term in which they may have other things they want to do holidays etc which have to be planned around GC.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your comments... I'll be honest and say that I was quite surprised at how many of you seemed to think this would be a big ask and also didn't think it would be a good arrangement!

I'll try to cover off some of your questions/points.

I don't expect help with my childcare arrangements, and none of the grandparents are under any obligation at all and I intend to make this perfectly clear to them. I'd hate for them to feel pressured, but I also think that we all have a good enough relationship for them to say no if they don't fancy it. They are all very doting and I guess I'd imagined that actually, come DD being 1ish, it would be "normal" for them to take DD out for the day or for her to spend more time with them without me just that this formalises the dates a bit in advance.

The £20 would be more to cover expenses for the day, contribution to some petrol, a coffee, the fair, the cinema, lunch, whatever really..

I totally get what you're saying re "days out" vs "childcare days" and have rethought my thinking (IYSWIM) in that actually any time spent with each other should definitely be seen as a treat, by DD and by the grandparents. Thank you for that.

I don't expect the GPs to replicate me and I know they've all bought up their own children so are capable of looking after DD, but I would like them to listen to say, ideal or rough nap times, food preferences, and general respect for the fact that I am DD's mother and have worked effing hard to get to where we are now.... I don't want to write a manual, but I would like to be able to say "if she doesn't nap for more than half an hour, can you try and get her down for 2 short naps instead" or "strawberries give her a rash" or similar? My mum listened to nothing I asked/said when she had DD before and had a nightmare during feeds and at bedtime. I'm sure at 12mo DD will be a different baby to when she was 4mo and feed/nap/bed times will be more fluid than back then, but my mum didn't even listen when I reminded her about the blue tube thing that goes in the Dr Brown's bottles!! Mum also tries to prove me wrong with things or suggest that she knows DD as well or better than me. She has a habit of saying things like "ooh mummy says we can't" or "naughty mummy" or rolling her eyes when I ask her to put a bib on DD when she's eating a satsuma as the last time she didn't, it stained and ruined a brand new (and expensive) top!!! DD doesn't benefit from any of those things and it just riles me! Hmm, I suspect that's a new thread in itself!

My stepmum, in her own words, feels like the "3rd granny" after the two biological grandmas and I'm really trying to ensure that this isn't the case and that her and DD's relationship is as sturdy as the others. So I would feel that just asking my dad to help would make my stepmum feel even more ungrandparenty. I can't change the fact that she works full time, but I don't want her to feel left out of the child-care considerations, so I figure by saying to her "I'd really love it if you and dad could have DD for every third Wednesday, but I understand this means you taking time off work, so please have a think and let me know your thoughts and I'll totally understand if you don't want to or can't do it" (or words to that effect) I am showing that I am asking her primarily, not just my dad because I trust her with DD and want her to be involved.

With regard to MIL - she also has every other weekend (Sat/Sun) off as well, so not just Mon and Tues. She has been very keen to see more of DD anyway, so I'd thought that having a dedicated date in the diary might be something she'd like. Also, MIL waits to be asked when it comes to seeing DD or popping over (whereas my mum just turns up) so it's very much her style to hover in the background.

In terms of DD and what's best for her... Well, I think that her having one-on-one time with her grandparents is important and will benefit her (and them) so this is primarily why I'd like their involvement. We can afford 3 days at nursery, it's no more or less convenient dropping her at theirs or at nursery, so I am by no means relying on the GPs for childcare. I thought it would be a nice way for DD and the GPs to hang out without me if they are happy to spend their free time in this way. In a way, I don't really see the difference between this and them or me asking to take DD out or have her over on an ad hoc basis? DD shouldn't feel too unsettled (though I appreciate going to nursery and me not being around all day every day is going to be quite a big change) as she spends a fair amount of time at GPs houses already....

If I take my mum up on the offer of having DD every week, I think my stepmum and MIL will definitely feel lower down the "grandmother pecking order" but would never say anything to me as it's not MIL's nature and my stepmum isn't sure of her place/role anyway and I imagine would feel like they'd be stepping on mum's toes.... Plus, I'll feel concious that mum would see DD much more than MIL and stepmum, so would probably spend my 2 days off each week feeling like I should be seeing them (I think I have this weird guilt thing from when my parents split up that I have to treat them all equally.... again, probably a whole new thread!).

Anyhoo............. I guess I am trying to justify my thinking to show that I wasn't being presumptious with the whole thing. I actually thought it would kill a few birds with one stone - they get to spend regular/diarised quality time with DD and it helps us out with childcare.

I plan to ask them this week once I've confirmed with that there are spaces in the nursery so will let you know how it goes.

It is a big ask. I think the fact that you would even suggest that someone takes annual leave to provide childcare, makes it seem like you think that they do have some obligation.
This thread probably gives you a fair idea how the average mum would react to this proposal. When you talk about it killing more than one bird with the stone - whose birds are they? If your MIL has barely seen your DD then it would be a bit of a surprise if she was wanting to so regular childcare.
I know 2 grandmothers who do provide regular childcare for grandchildren and they are both exhausted and wishing that they didnt have to do it, but both now feel that they cant go back on what was agreed.

MIL sees her other GCs regularly. They are teenagers now, but had them often for sleepovers and days out etc when they were little (their mum didn't work but was about 20 when she had the first one). She has commented to OH that she would like the same relationship with DD. MIL has spent all day with me and DD recently on one of her days off. Granted if I suddenly asked her to take DD for 1 day a week that might be a bit out of the blue, but 1 day every 3 weeks?????? That's less than we see her now..........

I explained in my last post about my stepmum taking annual leave... How else could I position it so that she doesn't feel left out? Perhaps it is that I need to ask my dad rather than her/both of them and if she chooses to take annual leave on one or some of those days then that's her call.

And just to reiterate - we do not need the grandparents to help out, but thought it might be nicer for DD and for them to do it this way and if it saves us £50 a day in nursery fees each week, great.

Is one day every third week really that big a deal? Maybe I've got it all wrong as I thought they would all jump at the chance to spend that time with DD!!

You said that your MIL had barely seen your DD, I took that to mean that she had seen her infrequently.

Why not just ask your stepmum if she would like regular time with your DD rather than tying it to childcare needs?

Honestly? Don't do it.

You already have a mum that doesn't listen to your parenting preferences and a stepmum who feels like the third wheel, plus your MIL.

You are setting yourself up for years of stress and granny wars when by your own admission you don't actually need them to provide childcare.

I can see that you're trying to do a nice thing by getting them all involved on a regular basis but I can imagine this situation could so easily become fraught with issues.

Why not make your own regular arrangements for childcare and let them enjoy your DD on the odd days out here and there instead - will probably be much more relaxing for all concerned.

Superficially one day every third week doesn't sound much but when it's a formal arrangement that they have to honour, because you working depends on it, it may seem onerous, especially if it is your MIL's day off etc.
Unless I missed it you don't say how old these gps are but certainly here my mum would find it incredibly stressful and tiring to have either of my dcs for the whole day (she has never ever had sole charge of either of them after an unfortunate incident involving ds falling in a water feature whilst in her care when he was 2) and wouldn't agree to something like this.
I do know that loads of gps do this kind of thing happily though.
I reckon all you can do is gently raise it with them all separately and test the water, but on balance I'd prefer to go for an extra day a week in nursery in your circumstances, and it'd definitely be less unsettling for your dd at that age I'd have thought.

What Justspiro said.