Asking grandparents to take on childcare - top tips please!

[nm123]

DD is 8 months and I'll be going back to work 3 days a week when she's 12 months. Ideally she'll do 2 days in nursery and 1 day with each of the grandparents in rotation:

• My mum, (has already offered 1 day per week but can be a bit overbearing) works as needed for my step-dad's business
• MIL, works full time but has off every Monday and Tuesday (instead of weekends)
• My dad & stepmum (dad semi-retired/self-employed, stepmum works full time)

So they would each have DD once a week every 3 weeks. My thinking is that it means they all get "even" dibs on looking after DD, it's not too much of a strain on their time (ie stepmum would have to use annual leave unfortunately and MIL using one of her regular days off) and if I need to increase my hours at work or eventually have another baby and need more help, or if they want to spend extra time with DD outside of "childcare days" or we need a babysitter, we're not taking the pee....

My mum doesn't tend to listen to anything I say routine-wise and will gladly let DD get overexcited/stimulated/tired if it means she's getting time/cuddles with DD (which drives me nuts) but is so far the only one really who has looked after DD for any length of time (ie whole day/evening when we've gone to a wedding or similar). MIL is sweet but has barely seen DD really. Dad is pretty laid back and I have no worries with him, stepmum has never had kids so sometimes doesn't "get" things. I hope this doesn't sound nasty, just trying to explain each to give more context....... DD is pretty spirited/high needs and a bad napper in the day. I did write down some "instructions" for when mum had her for that day/evening but it got totally ignored and I was made to feel a bit of a control freak, so am now trying to get the balance between asking them to respect the way I do things and not being too precious. Also, for what it's worth, we don't really have a routine as such as it varies from day to day depending on what time DD gets up first thing and how her naps go....

I plan to get a spare high chair (Ikea one) and travel cot as well as other odds and sods that DD can use at their houses for this day (I'll be working from home so she'll be going to them). I'd also like to do some settling in sessions closer to the time so DD is comfortable with it all (still BFing at the mo and don't have enough time to pump to do settling-in just yet).

What do you think? Is this a reasonable request? Anything else I need to think about in terms of positioning/asking them? I don't think they'll expect payment, but I will certainly offer - is £20 per day reasonable? Is it inappropriate to differentiate "childcare days" from "days out with the grandparents"? I'm sure the grandparents will just see it as a day out, but I don't want it to take 3 days to calm DD down after being spoilt or similar with the GPs for 1 day a week!

Anyway, keen to hear thoughts from you grandparents, I may also post on the childcare boards too....

Thanks in advance!

Can you tell I've been there and done it Mrs B?

I was the only one of my friends who was absolutely delighted when my DD started primary school and I got a job around her hours so I didn't have to deal with the endless crap any more.

But even now the granny wars continue and DD is nearly 8 - once you set a precedent it is very, very difficult to undo - especially when family and emotions are involved.

OH hasn't checked his euromillions ticket from Friday night, so this could all be irrelevant! He he, only joking.

The problem with putting her in nursery 3 days a week is offending my mum now that she's offered! Mum would definitely be offended if she went to a childminder instead of her!

Well, perhaps some of this is due to my own guilt about going back to work... And being home-based too. There's no way DD could stay in the flat whilst I work, even if she was being looked after by someone else... And I feel guilty "turfing her out" 3 days a week whilst I stay home. Knowing she's in environments (ie GP's houses) that are familar to her, with family members, makes me feel a bit better about it all I suppose.

I'll talk to OH about it all again and see what he thinks. I know he'd prefer she has a mix of social/external childcare a la nursery and family contact.

JustSpiro - would you mind elaborating on Granny Wars??!? I'd like to get a feel for the potential conflicts/issues that I may not have yet considered!

Oh, and in terms of ages:

MIL = 56
Stepmum = 58
Mum = 62

I can totally understand how you feel re 'working mum guilt' and the mixture of environments for your DD, and not wanting to offend your mum, but I do think that in the long run you will find this increasingly difficult to manage.

I went back to work 3 days a week when my DD was 18 weeks old. DH worked shifts which he was notified of on a termly basis and the remaining childcare was spilt between my mum and MIL.

Neither of them did things exactly how I would have liked - my mum thought the sun shone out of DD's nappy and spoilt her rotten (still does), MIL is the complete opposite - quite Victorian in her attitude - I once had to literally wrestle DD out of her arms to give her a goodbye kiss as MIL thought it unnecessary!

If there were any extra 'shifts' to be done - they had to be divvied up equally or there would be hell to pay. This continues now with then keeping track of who has had DD for a day out/sleepover last and snidey comments if the balance is 'wrong'.

MIL would sometimes take DD to work meetings with her which they allowed (she is a carer) but I felt was totally inappropriate.

If I queried or objected to anything either of them had done, I got the inevitable "Fine, you'd better sort out alternative arrangements then." Since we were dependent on them for childcare we had no option but to let them get away with all sorts - nothing major for the most part but still immensely hurtful, stressful and frustrating to not feel 'in control' of your own child's wellbeing.

Also when one couldn't cover a 'shift' for whatever reason - the other would generally want to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse about why - presumably to decide for themselves if it was 'justifiable' and therefore if they were willing to cover.

I know family childcare does work for some and I just had particularly awkward relatives a bad experience, but I would say to anyone who can afford professional childcare to opt for that instead - for the mental health and happiness of all involved.

You could say to your mum that you really appreciate her kind offer but feel it would offer more stability for you DD to just have to cope with one transition (i.e. to nursery) at the moment.

You also will have the option of asking them to help out as and when if you feel you need a bit of 'me time' on an ad hoc basis when you're not working, and as you seem to get on with all three women, can enjoy some lovely days out with each of them and your DD.

As a quick update...

I sounded my dad out earlier on this and he said "Sure, she'll be fine in that cage I've got eh?" and totally understood that I wasn't asking stepmum to take time off work but that I wanted her to know I'd like her/them to be as involved as the other grandparents.

MIL called about something unrelated this afternoon so I asked her then too. She said she'd be DELIGHTED and was honoured to have been asked. She reiterated that her days off were Mon/Tues if it could be worked around that.

I'm seeing mum tomorrow, so will chat with her about it all then.

Now I need to speak to the nursery to make sure they've got space on the days we need!

Why not forget about this complicated childcare arrangement, and find other ways to get the GPs involved in your DD's life? You can ask the GPs to join your family on days out, invite them over to your house, visit them more, accept offers for ad hoc babysitting etc. If they rarely see your DD now, then maybe doing more together as a whole family, instead of just DD at her GPs, will be a smoother start? It will also allow them to see how you interact with your child and get a feeling of what matters to you relating to her upbringing.