Looking back was I wrong to send Xmas card back?

[seaofyou]

Want some granparents advice...

My ds started to see his GPs at 2yrs old after his initial diagnosis of AS ( I had to write to them for support as they didnt want to see dgs as their ds didn't want to either). They were very good and had ds every week for a full day to give me a break for nearly 2 yrs. Also this was ds only 'male' in his life really and loved his GF.

Anyway I said to ex who had only seen ds 14 times in 4yrs....no more contact as I had been asking him to see ds monthly and his usual contact was birthdays and Xmas and odd one in between. So because I stopped contact with ex as ds starting to understand df not seen him for 5 months etc! I wanted ex to see ds monthly.

GPs jumped on bandwaggon and said we will only see dgs if our ds do in solicitor letter. Ex said he would only see ds 3 monthly..I got it down to monthly after 3 months of letters back and forth! I wrote via my solicitor urging GPs to carry on seeing ds weekly as he missed them. They refused!

Ex saw ds twice in month as Xmas and once for New Year! (Ex was at GPs for 3 weeks over Xmas so I guess killed 3 visits with one stone!)

Next thing had a letter from ex's solicitor in January 09 to say ex and GPs did not want to see ds anymore! I guess this coincided with not wanting to pay maintanence and thinking if I don't see I don't pay!

So GPs who had a huge involvement in dgs life contact every week just stopped dead! No Birthday card, no contact nothing!

Then Xmas 2010 a yr later...they send dgs a Xmas card saying 'I hope Santa sends you everything you want for Xmas' No present for ds...they don't even know if ds can read or talk as was non verbal the last time they saw him. I was really upset by the card as they live 40 liles away and never bothered at all! Then they send this card having a sick laugh that I have nothing to be able to buy ds all the stuff he needs as all money goes on therapy! Knowing their own DS on run from courts not paying a penny.

So I sent the Xmas card back with a copy of that solicitor letter that states they did not want to see ds again a year earlier! Nothing else just the solicitor's letter! I have never heard from them again! That is 2.5yrs ago.

Was I right to do this? How could they just abandon their only vulnerable dgs?

I know it has gone too far now the time and tbh with the behaviour of their own ds (DV attacking my home for 3years) it is best they don't contact us. They do not know about their ds attacking my home...well I hope not otherwise shows how evil they are too!

But still don't stop me feeling sad that ds lost out on GPs esp GF.

im not a gp but wondered if you had ever thought about writting to them. just write what youve written here.

I'm to scared too because when I sent the Xmas card back to GPs my ex attacked my house again the next day and every 3/4 weeks trying to break in with a screwdriver as I slept!
Ds since being able to tlak has disclosed physical abuse by his df also. I don't think GPs are aware of anything tbh! But I am so frightened of my ex that I can't contact them

Not a GP either, but I think that all the adults need to stop thinking about hurt feelings, and paying maintenance and all that has gone on before and start doing what is right for your DS.

I would write to them and tell them that you are sad for DS, that you wish that he had contact with them, regardless of the contact issues with your ex and that, for the sake of your DS you would like to talk about re-starting visits.

I suspect that the Xmas card was a tentative move towards you, to see if you would be willing to enter into a dialogue with them.

how awful for you and your ds!
i cant think of any advice apart from copying this to relationships or chat as you might get more traffic.

XP with you.

In that case, I would stay well away.

Your DS may well benefit from having his GPs in his life, but if it brings his father into his life, then it is no win.

He sounds vile, and you are well shot of him.

I wish I never pushed for contact in first place...it was ds I was thinking of as nearly 4yrs old! If I had left things to twice a yr contact ex would not have blown up and ds would have carried on with seeing GPs every week which tbh he was wanted by them and loved so I was they turned round and said they did not want to see ds...I should have known though as they saw ds at 5months old...and when ex never saw ds for 18 months I contacted GM after 6 months and she said 'if my ds don't want to see HIM neither do we!'...it was only when I wrote to them when ds about to be diagnosed somewhere on the Autism Spectrum asking them to help as I found it hard they started contact weekly and was fab every week (unless on hols)...but I really thought they had a bond with him?

Someone said to me maybe ex made them choose...there own ds and now gds or my ds?

I would like to know why? After 2 years? Can someone hear answer it? Silly I know no one can really just wanted some answers, but cannot afford the cosequences of asking them why?

you did what you thought was right at the time op.

do get any support from cahms etc?

You would be advised not to do anything which would potentially
bring you and ds into contact with your ex

Yes it does sound as though your ex gave them an ultimatum - him or your DS and they chose him. So :( that they did that, though. However, if he's the sort to abuse a vulnerable child, try to break into your home etc., then he's quite possibly the sort of person who would threaten violence to his parents or their home as well.

Doesn't say much for them that they bowed down to it but I'd say that was the most likely scenario, and now, it's just too much bother for them to risk contacting again.

In some ways it's very sad for your DS, but in other ways not - because he is only surrounded now by people who love him, care for him and want the best for him - not violent abusers or people who won't protect him from said violent abuser.

No not CAMHS as ds doing better now (after couple tribunals to win right support) I dont get any respite though hard in hols. But it is sad as ds has no male in his life...the GM used to tell dgs to go over to 'daddy'...they made dgs call GF daddy!? Ex found out and went mad so his exwife told me yrs later.

If they felt like that why did they side with their ds over there dgs?

I guess ds had to lose the GP to ensure df was gone...but df carried on attacking my home for 2 yrs after contact finished (every time courts contacted him for maintenance and the Xmas card)...it was CCTV that stopped the attacks...and df has been spotted on CCTV prked outside my home few months ago and not clear but looked like ex strolling past really late only 2 weeks ago!

I don't think GPs know anythhing about it all?

ds only got me nd his Nan :(

I didn't think ex would threten his parents but he hurt his vulnerble ds. Ds has said he never wants to back to the house again as it ws the house his df beat him in and his GP should have protected dgs...I don't know if they know there DS hit his own ds? The GM was a HT of the local primary school for 40yrs now retired. I'm sure she would not have pproved of childabuse:(

Trust me, only you and his nan is better than psycho abusive bastard ex as well. :(

I presume you still have contact details for the grandparents? You could maybe phone them to sound them out about meeting up with DS?

Leave things as they are. They chose to take sides originally when their son refused to see his child, then came into your DS's life and became close to him, then dropped him again. Your DS doesn't need people like that in his life.

But from the xpost, it would have to be on neutral territory, not at their house. :(

If they were ignorant of it, that's bad enough - but to not protect your DS, their DGS, is just awful.

ex had convinced everyone I had cheated and ds was not his so when GM turned up when ds 5 months old ds was spit of his df in photo has same dimple in chin as df/gf (not on my side) and weighed 7lb 12oz same as df!
Ex left me 5 months pregnant for someone on datingsite in Ireland.

ex a great story maker so guess they fall for the lies time and time again...ex told OW I contacted him at 9 months to say I was pregnant and that we split up before I even knew I was pregnant!
The sick thing was GP lied with ex and said we had split up too...so I sent the now exwife the photos of me at GP house on Xmas day (date on photo) 3.5 months pregnant! So GP lied to there ds new GF about me too!

I agree with Thumb.

Better just you and your nan than having more contact with your ex and those who didn't protect him.

Sounding more and more like the GPs aren't going to be that much use to your DS then, they are obviously under your ex's thumb.

I know you want a male role model for your DS - but you'd be better off finding someone other than your ex's relatives by the sounds of it. Are there no male friends of the family (yours) or anything you could visit?

No it is hard with ds to meet friends...he doesn't like boys as they are to rough for him so dont get to meet even friend's dad's.

No other family, lost my brother and my other brother will only take ds swimming if I pay him...no he is not teenager he is 44yrs old with 5 grown up kids LOL!

Ds keeps asking for new 'nice' daddy:(
I can't meet anyone with ds as he has to many needs as still only yooung plus no one to mind ds either! TBH, don't think I could ever trust another bloke again the DV has crushed me!

oh bless you, I wasn't thinking of an actual partner for you, maybe just a friend - but I can see you're a bit up against it. Your brother sounds like a bit of a loser as well :( - what about his kids, would they be any use?

They are all girls LOL!

Thank you Thumb...I feel I have let ds down with no male role model! Ds has asked though a few times!

I won't contact GP...not worth the fear! They made there decision...for whatever reason I will never know? They may even know about what their ds did to their dgs and my home? They might not and I hope not!
I wished they had stayed away from day one if not that commited! They know ds had no other males! Ds had only dgm on my side!
I just feel it is very lonely and sad for him! My mum is away on hols and it is times like this I realise ds has no one else...I do feel very :( about that!