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Answer me this conundrum about preschoolers...

25 replies

latrucha · 22/02/2012 19:46

When I am walking with DD age 4 and DS 19 months, I frequently notice women of an age to be grandmothers, or even great grandmothers looking at me nostalgically, as if this must be the most wonderful time of my life.

While I love lots of things about my life and my children, it is a very hard time of life for me and all my friends I know who are in a similar position. We are all exhausted ana all our marriages seem to be barely held together with shoelaces and bits of old sticky tape.

So, are these women suffering with amnesia, nostalgia and blinded by the beauty of my children or are me and my friends suffering from un realistic expectations and making far too much of sleep deprivation and faltering sex lives?

I am interested. My own mother is dead and was never close to her sisters so I am not. All in my grandmother's generation have passed away. I would love to know some women of this age so I could pick their brains but I don't so can you fill me in?

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 25/02/2012 00:13

Well, I'm a grandmother - I look after my beautiful one year old grandson two days a week while his mummy works and have him for overnight stays occasionally when he's not sleeping well, to give his parents a rest. Yes, it's exhausting having toddlers - I had four of my own - but I think what's changed is women's expectations of themselves.

In the 70s, when most of my children were born, life was physically harder; we had terry nappies to wash/boil and dry, pure wool matinee jackets to hand wash, no automatic washing machines, no tumble drier and cooking was done from scratch. We had enormous coachbuilt prams to push and few families had two cars (one salary = one car) so we walked everywhere. Since we lived on one salary, we bought few clothes - most kids wore hand-me-downs and most grannies in those days knitted (the bloody hand-washable wool matinee jackets...). Most of my contemporaries lived similar lives - we stayed at home to look after our children and we kept house, and both of those jobs required more actual labour than they do now.

However...we didn't feel we had to look well-groomed and immaculate at all times. Grooming meant a comb through the hair before we left the house, and possibly a quick shave of the legs (nothing else!) during the spring and summer months. We accepted a lower standard of living, I suppose, but because everyone else did too, it didn't seem hard. We'd visit each other's houses, the kids would play together (no nurseries, no playgroups) and holidays might mean a camping holiday in France, or in leaner times, a trip to the grandparents' home.

I don't think we worried so much about our relationships either - that's not to say they were perfect, and of course many of us put up with things we shouldn't have - but on the whole, when you had a family, the couple side of things was less important for a while. I guess our expectations were lower in every way.

In those days too, many women had their children young, and so they hadn't had time to become used to a high standard of living - it's much easier to do without luxuries when you've never had any. I think we accepted that our time for fun/freedom/travel/smart cars was in the future, after the kids had grown up.

I don't envy young parents today. I feel sad that they seem so busy, dashing around to provide stimulating experiences for their kids, while holding down full time jobs, worrying about mortgages, university fees, child care costs, and whether baby-led weaning is the way to go. Honestly, life was simpler back then. When you were a stay-at-home parent, you did household stuff most mornings and your children either played alongside you, or "helped". You hung the nappies out, they hung their dolls' clothes out (yes, my sons too). You baked, they rolled up pastry. You made soup, they helped chop up vegetables. It never occurred to me to think their environment wasn't rich enough, that I wasn't stimulating them enough, that I should be ferrying them around to after-school groups or organising "play dates"...kids just played. We talked to them, we sang with them, and we let them get on with things on their own. They all survived.

This isn't just crazy-old-lady nostalgia - I remember the exhaustion, the agony of breast-feeding through the pain of mastitis, the worry about childhood illnesses - but there is something precious about those days. Never again will your child be learning so fast, or needing your guidance so much. The time will come soon enough when they'll be off without a backward glance - as is natural and right.

So, if I pass you in the street, I'm looking at your (beautiful) children and remembering mine, and how quickly they grew. I'm hoping you're not too tired to enjoy yours, and I am wishing you knew how soon this stage will pass.

iCANdothisiCAN · 25/02/2012 00:19

That is beautiful, actually sobbing!

poorbuthappy · 25/02/2012 00:22

Bloody hell, completely floored by that.
Time to stop and take stock I think.

ByThePowerOfGreyskullsOnIpad · 25/02/2012 00:23

me to actually crying now have had too much wine but still that is beautiful!

Athrawes · 25/02/2012 00:25

Tears in my eyes. Thanks.

BawbagBiggins · 25/02/2012 00:28

Best.Post.Ever.....seriously....just wow x

bellabelly · 25/02/2012 00:36

Babyboomers ... such a lovely post, I am really glad I've read that (I've got 4 young kids and often wonder how my grandma - also mum of 4 - coped back in the day). I've often had lovely comments from older ladies - even when my DCs have been playing up royally - and sometimes it's those nice comments/friendly glances that help me through the day. Smile

startail · 25/02/2012 00:36

You've just described my 70's childhood perfectly.

I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford to be a SAHM, but wouldn't want to have no dishwasher and Mum's twin tub.

We are much better of than I was as a child and that is defiantly good and bad.

I'd love for my DDs to understand the true value of their toys, clothes and gadgets and to understand holidays are a privilege.

But I'd have loved the opportunity to do swimming lessons and gymnastics.

latrucha · 25/02/2012 12:38

Baabyboomer - thankyou for posting. Your activities with your toddlers sound like DDs day in heaven. I have given up buying her toys as she just wants to do what I am doing.

And really, I did think that your last paragraph was pretty much what these women were thinking. One of the things I find frustrating about this time of life is I know I will miss it like mad and have so many happy memories of it. Day to day though, it's hard to feel how wonderful it is when DD has told me, 'I'm going to be cross today,' and by heck she is and DS has decided that no one is allowed to touch me but him (I can't believe I'm going to miss that, but I will). I'm sure you know that though.

I'm sure you're an absolute boon to the parents of the grandchild you help with. I do wish someone was enjoying my children like that.

OP posts:
1borneveryminute · 08/03/2012 17:23

babyboomersrock, thanks for posting, this is very inspiring.

babyboomersrock · 08/03/2012 22:47

I'm glad it made sense. I didn't want to sound patronising - I just think it's crucial that we remember that most people are good, most women empathise with each other, most children survive the parenting we inflict on them.

They don't need child-rearing systems or the latest theories; just loving carers who want to keep them safe, make decisions for them when they're little, and just let them be at times, too. I know that parents are under pressure to provide entertainment for their children - but it's a big commercial con. Young children need to mess about and look at stuff, to have time to observe their world. Parents don't have to fork out £50 every weekend to provide "quality time" at some attraction or other. Just having parents around doing normal stuff is good for children. They learn that life doesn't stop when they enter a room - that if Mummy's cutting the grass or Daddy's cooking, they can either become involved, or just watch and chat, or entertain themselves.

There was a summer when my three eldest children tunnelled their way through our (admittedly large and uncultivated!) garden. It started off as a "digging to Australia" project by the youngest - the others were recruited and it morphed into constructing pathways for cars and caves for teddies - and they went back to that project all summer. I don't think they noticed that we only went to Granny's for our actual holiday!

So have confidence in yourself, I'd say. I wish I'd known back then that my children would all turn out ok, that they wouldn't be shy forever, that they'd look back on their childhoods - despite a later divorce - with pleasure, and that we'd still all be close and loving at this stage.

They're now 37, 34, 32, 25 - and today I'm 65 (and sober!). I feel blessed.

morecoffeepleaseholdthecake · 08/03/2012 23:02

Babyboomersrock. Lovely posts. Has made me really think about things. Thank you :)

jennyl29 · 14/03/2012 19:03

hello there, I totally agree with everything babyboomer says! That could be me walking past your young children looking all nostalgic - because I'm remembering how you are so busy with your children when they are small, always something to be worrying about that you don't get time to be really enjoying it all like you can when you become a grandparent.

sneezecakesmum · 29/01/2013 20:22

I had my two children in the 1980s and we had a reasonable range of mod cons including disposable nappies, washing machine, freezer etc. so I wasnt dragged under by the drudgery of small children. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM when they were young and, despite less money which is inevitable when there is only one wage earner, I loved (almost) every minute of the amazing experience of watching my children flower and grow. To watch my daughter take her first steps at 10 months and her delight and wonder at the floor moving under her, and her gorgeous smile at 9 days old and my sons endless fascination with worms and insects, was priceless. You truly do see the world through their eyes and the world is an amazing place Smile

I love seeing that same wonder in the faces of children today and in my gorgeous grandsons face. I totally agree that mums today should try to hold every wonderful moment with their small children in their hearts forever because those moments go so so fast in the busy world we live in. Keep scrapbooks, take lots of photos and videos, and I guarantee when your children are older you will look at them and you will smile for the rest of the day Smile

kipplin · 29/05/2013 22:26

babyboomersrock - thank you for your inspiring post. X

Babycino81 · 29/05/2013 22:31

Wow. I'm pregnant with my first baby (24 weeks) and read your post sneezecakesmum and just balled my eyes out, phoned my mum and let her know how important being a Nan is (she really doesn't need me to tell her btw!) and just wanted to let you know how amazing that post is. Xxx

LastOrdersAtTheBra · 29/05/2013 22:41

DS1 is only 5 and I'm already giving people with newborns and preschoolers nostalgic looks! Blush Even school takes them away so much.

I think there is a tendency to have rose tinted glasses about every stage of childrearing. Having 2 preschool age is a hectic, sleepless nightmare at times but there are already bits about it that I miss. I'd imagine this will only get worse as they get older...

suckmabigtoe · 29/05/2013 22:43

well i'm just coming to the end of the 'pre-schooler' age (ds starts p1 in sept) and i am going to miss it sooo bloody much. i love the leisurely walks to nursery or to the park or to the shops. i love the little songs and chats. i love that he has no inhibitions and if he feels like being a spider- he is a spider. i love cuddles and bedtime stories and 'swimming' in the bathtub and toddler football (tbh i love watching the coaches trying to get all the kiddies facing the same direction- it's like herding cats!) Grin. i've known for quite a while that this is probably going to be one of the happiest times of my life as a parent and i wish i could just keep him at home with me forever. i didn't get the same experience with ds1 as i WOH when he was a baby until after he started primary school and i feel really sad that we missed that part of each other. i'm really enjoying it now with ds2 and cant believe it's almost over. and there wont be any more dcs to do it again with Sad

2mummies · 29/05/2013 22:52

crying so very well said babyboomersrock. Thank you Smile

usuallyright · 13/03/2014 09:33

Oh babyboomersrock, I've been on Mumsnet for years, Dr ead some beautiful eloquent posts, but your post, at the top of this thread, is the most brilliant post I've ever read here. And that's why I'm shamelessly bumping this old thread.

SueDoku · 14/04/2014 18:39

babyboomersrock Thank you for writing the post that said everything that I would like to say - but so much better... Best. Post. Ever. Flowers

MusicAndBooks · 04/05/2015 21:33

Wow, with a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old this is perfect to read babyboomersrock's posts, it will make me appreciate this time I have with my two boys and realise how quickly time passes, feel blessed ( wait till the morning and they're both shouting for my attention and I'm tired from bf most of the night!)

Chiefbumwiper · 09/05/2015 20:17
Smile
PerspicaciaTick · 09/05/2015 20:32

babyboomer has managed to encapsulate my own lovely 70s childhood and she has expressed how I am beginning to feel as my own DCs grow and blossom, thank you.
My DCs need me less now and I am growing older. The future is theirs and when I look at them, or when I see someone else's small child, I am amazed by their sheer life force and potential. I am also feeling a little wistful for soft baby cuddles and the utter trust of a child who falls asleep in my lap.

Bloodybridget · 09/12/2015 19:26

Just found this thread today, the day my third grandchild was born (courtesy of DP, I don't have any children). Absolutely lovely to read Babyboomer's post which should be found by many other MNers!

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