DD lonely - wants a best friend!

[maggotts]

DD2 age 9 is not G&T but is good at absolutely everything i.e. top of the class academically but also fastest, in all the sports teams, good at music, art etc.

She has no real friendship issues i.e. no one being nasty, no bullying etc. and friends are happy to come to us if invited and seem to have a lovely time when here. BUT she has no special friend and rarely gets invited elsewhere - it's almost as if she just doesn't register on the radar when girls are thinking of who to play with, who to invite etc. I have watched her with them in a group and she is always the forgotten one of the edge.

DD1 is nearly 14 and DD2 gets on brilliantly with her. Think some of the problem may be that she so likes older girls that younger ones are slightly inexplicable.

She is so desperate for a best friend (opossibly TOO desperate) or to be part of the group.

Has anyone else had this? Does it get better?

This was me at primary school (except for the art!). Not really bullied, but no particular friends and very lonely.

I remember crying one evening because I couldn't think of games to suggest to the other girls to play in the playground, so I always felt left out. Whereas the girls who brought a skipping rope (for example) always had people wanting to play with them.

It helped that I had friends out of school and that I did many activities.

The best was when I changed school for secondary school, made my very own best friend, plus a group of friends who invited me places etc.

I can't think of anything to help your DD though except to try and mastermind a game everyone wants to join in with?

DD is a bit like this-in terms of being a good all-rounder-but doesn't seem to have friendship issues, possibly because she goes to a large, academically selective school so whilst she's good at everything so are other people! Before we moved her she did struggle and not seem to be on the same wavelength as the other girls in her very small class. I've got no real suggestions to help your DD, moving schools worked for mine but other reasons were the impetus for the move and it was only after a few weeks at the new school that we realised quite how sad she had been.

I think this is a potentially tricky age (Y4/5?) for girls' friendships anyway which may or may not work in her favour.

Thank you for responses.

FluffyDonkey - hopefully it will improve as she gets older. This is my gut feeling and it helps to know it worked out for you that way.

marialuisa - we also moved DD2 to a large selective school as she was a fish out of water at her tiny school before. It is a bit better although her year is oddly small (half the size of the rest). Maybe with a bit more time things will improve more.

Sorry it's not worked as well for you as it has for us. I can empathise completely, the night before DD started her current school she said "mummy, do you think maybe i'll have a best friend at XX school, i'd really like one". I just hadn't appreciated what a big deal it was to her as she'd always, seemed and been described as "popular".

Can you continue to do what you're doing, in terms of friends round etc, (not sure how long she's been at her new school)? I'm a bit rubbish at reciprocating "playdates" because of work and the distance we are from school, but lways happy for DD to go on them-maybe that's the case with some of your DD's friends' parents?

marialuisa - I think you're right about continuing in the same vein with inviting people here. Have same problems with distance from school and also work full time (but own business so flexible) so would love a bit of reciprocity but maybe that will come in time.

She hasn't been at new school very long. Maybe I just need to give it time. But like your DD, I know how desperate mine is for a best friend which is making me a little impatient I suppose.

Anyway, several new girls start in September so that will change all the friendship groups around again. And 2 years till secondary when the pool will widen a lot.

Will try to relax ....

I would try inviting girls she likes over for a "play date". Also the activities she does out of school are they school related or independent? I would suggest trying to find independent ones, my best friends were frequently from Guides (where no one from my school went). My daughter's best friends are from the stables and the choir she belongs to.

It can be much easier to make real friends outside the competition of school.

Do you get a magazine called Aquilla ? It is for able kids. It has a page of penfriends in it. In the summer they do a camp and you can meet up with the kids you write to. It has really helped one of my dds to feel she has lots of friends I would recommend that.

Why do you think her being good at everything is an issue? I ask because I have a very able ds who has no problems at all socially and a bright side of average dd who struggles a bit socially. SHe would love a "best friend" but has never really had one. To be honest, I don't think most children do - I can only think of a couple of children in my childrens' circles who have had steady best friends for a very long time (more than a term or two!).

As another mumsnetter's very wise dd said "She will find her tribe"!

My DSS2, who is one of those children who really is good at everything, doesn't have a best friend at school even though he is exceptionally popular. There just isn't one person on his wavelength to hang out with and share everything with.

So I really empathise with this. I do think that moving schools can help, but obviously, as you have already taken this wise step, that option might not be open to you again.

seeker - I don't know that it is an issue but just wondered if it might be. May be completely unrelated. DD1 is much more on the normal bright spectrum but has had a very happy social life from day one and friends coming out of her ears including a bestest best friend since Year 4 (now going into Year 10).