DS 4.8 - consciously defiant.

[tokengirl]

So my 4.8 year-old (Reception) is absolutely lovely. He didn't do terrible two's, probably had one or two tantrums in his life, and has always been naturally friendly, polite, well-behaved and wanting to please. Everyone we know has a soft spot for him.

And now he's starting to be intentionally defiant. It's not like a 2yearolds emotional 'No', or even convenient 'deafness' which has been happening for a while, more and more blatantly, more like he's made a conscious decision along the lines of 'no, I have decided I won't'. He's ignoring a lot of requests, including from us and all the teaching assistants in his class. Then (and this is the crunch for me) he smiles. He knows exactly what he's doing, and is trying to control the situation.

Is this normal? He's pretty bright (capable of deciding rationally what he can get away with, and how far he can stretch it), and possibly bored at school and home.

(Is it normal for most kids, is it normal for bright kids?)

TBH, a bit of naughtiness is fine (he could do with it..), but I'd rather he wasn't being rude.

Any good ideas on a balanced approach to take? Don't want to stamp on emerging personality, but also would prefer him not to get too manipulative/spoilt/wilful. Or am I just being too controlling? It's just the teacher (who is great) mentioned it, so must think there's something there?

Any thoughts appreciated, thanks.

My DD went through that stage in reception. It coincided with the new intake in january, she had been fine before that. I also think that it was a bit of personality clash with the teacher. I don't think she was smiling, just refusing to do what the teacher asked her to do ie tidy up.
Her teacher went on long term sick leave a few weeks later, she was seriously ill so she may have been stressed as well.
With new teacher she was back to normal and there has been no problems since, except for a very short period in year 5. That teacher gave up teaching that term, she had only taught for one year and it was clearly not the right career for her.

My ds was 5 in March and has turned into something very similar over the last few weeks. Everything is "no" and his behaviour in general is defiant, to the point where I end up thinking "what now?" He has had a Wii ban, gets sent to bed or the step, ignored, cuddled, reasoned with.....but nothing seems to be getting through.

My friend says he must be tired and ready for the big holidays, but I'm not so sure. He is well aware of what he is doing and saying and seems to think things through.

So, not much help really, but more of a "I feel your pain!"

I think you're lucky you got 'til 4.8 tbh. bruffin sounds about right to me though, it's a reaction in some way to school and I think it's normal. Don't assume it's because he's bored, as I'd bet it's more because the world's not exactly how he likes it so he's trying to get some sort of power back. To stop it happening definitely I'd say don't go ott about it as that could make it worse. Tell him it's unacceptable, then walk away and refuse point blank to do anything else for him/ with him until he apologises. Keeping calm really winds them up, but it is effective! The school will sort him their own way am sure.

dd (5) does this. I have no idea what the correct approach is. I let her know that I am aware of what she is doing and am not going to engage with it. I then tell her to go somewhere else until she has decided that she wants to do what I have asked her. I then, very loudly, have an "I don't care" cup of tea. My rationale is that she needs to know that she cannot get away with certain behaviour and at the same time, I should avoid having a battle with her about it.

All of that said, behaviour at school should be dealt with by the school - you cannot make your son act in a particular way when you are not there. You can support the school and work on strategies together but they cannot simply bat it back to you.

Actually thinking about it DD never really had toddler tantrums either.

mmmm - with a 2yearold as well, I seem to specialise in "I don't care" cups of tea, choosing products in supermarkets, noticing dirt on cupboards, etc .

So far, have gone with reasoning with him that it's 'being rude and horrible' to do that to people, because he values being fair to others very highly. But I'd rather he were thinking for himself about other people's reactions then he can figure for himself it's unacceptable.

Guess I need to get a bit more bloody-minded along the lines of - you didn't help me - why 'should I/would I want to' do what you want. And 'how do we fix it'. Maybe even try and turn it into a 'what other people think' type discussion.

just waiting for next time now.....

Sorry, forgot to say - very much appreciate the replies. It's good to see other people are being hard (and calm) on this one and I'm not about to be a lone monster!

I think kids go through a naughty phase at 5. Just ignore it and get on with things is my motto and it seems to pass.