bossy and gifted

[janeh19]

hello I know that being bossy and gifed are not necessarily linked but I read an article which said that the things which can make a child gifted (such as being able to organise, create complex rules) can be interpreted as bossy by other children who aren't as advanced and don't understand the complex rules the gifted child has created or wants them to follow. This leads to the gifted child being seen as being bossy (especially when they become frustrated at not being understood)and they become the 'bad child'. I know that my child (Y2) needs to learn to express himself better but does anyone else have an opinion/advice on this?

I haven't really got any advice on this one, but it is definitely something that I have have come across with reference to my own dd (now Y4), over the years. I would say that she has got better at not jumping in with an opinion or letting others have a say over the years. I think that this reflects the fact that others in her class began to catch up with her. However last term, she had quite a few problems with other children in her class - making really nasty comments etc. When I discussed this with the school, they sad that part of the problem was that the other children 'didn't get' my dd and her friend as 'they talk like adults'. Actually they don't - they are just very articulate for their age but I would never mistake their conversation for an adult conversation - and I began to wonder what sort of adults her teacher mixed with to make her think this! I felt at the time that I couldn't do anything to change this. This doesn't make the situation any easier for my dd - but I don't want her to dumb down and think that she wouldn't stand out so much in a school with a different demographic profile.

thanks for this - hes Y3 by the way - how bad am I? . Hes always been more interested in adult type conversation and wants to know everything (can be quite obsessive and intense)! He plays football and gets frustrated with his peers as they don't understand the rules and strategy like he does. The other children see this as being bossy but its not been observed directly by the teacher/assistants - its just the other kids complaining to thier parents/teacher after the event. I guess the best thing is to help him communicate better because I don't want to discourage his opinions and ability (just harness it). We are at the point were other parents are raising the issue with the school (although no one has raised with me - shame they can't communicate either!!) and he has been excluded from a play date over the half term and on a recent school trip. It breaks my heart

by 'adult type' conversation I mean he likes to have indepth conversations and finds conversations with adults are more fruitful (as they understand him better). His nursery teacher used to say that he would rather spend time with her/the assistant than the other kids! He seemed to grow out of this in reception and developed some close friends, however they are now the ones saying he is being bossy.

Different children are different. I tend to think of it as different types of giftedness and/or early development. When I was that age, I was academically very gifted but was not socially gifted, so yes, I did come across as awkward if not bossy.

My dd otoh is both academically and socially gifted: she was very interested in adult conversations but at the same time had an innate sense of how other people would react, so would adapt her conversation to the person she was talking to. I don't think this was her doing: it's clearly yet another kind of giftedness that she's been born with (inherited from my MIL, I reckon, who is not academically gifted but a social genius).

I've had to work harder on it, and it took time. But worth it in the end. I wasn't helped by the fact that my own Mum was very shy and felt insecure outside of her comfort zone, so not really the best person to advise on how to mix with very different people.

Sounds like you could do a lot for your ds, OP, by gentle prodding and advice. Just remember that you won't change him all in one go, he is only little and not everybody is born socially talented; some people have to learn how to do it, just like a non-academic child has to learn techniques for understanding concepts that just come naturally to the gifted child. But with a sympathetic mum like you, I think he has a head start.

thanks for your thoughts. You are right - he is only little and there is still lots we/he can do to learn better social skills. Your insight has made me feel more positive about how we go forward.

Just wondered..does this just happen over football at school or does it happen in other situations? One of the things I have noticed about my dd is that she very much operates in a comfort zone. The situations where other children 'don't get her' have arisen in school, a place where she feels very confident. If she is put into a more unfamiliar situation, she behaves differently.
I also think that (if you haven't done this already), it would be worth discussing all this with his school. When my dd was the victim of all the nastiness a couple of months ago, a couple of the other children got their parents to 'complain' about her. However when I discussed what it was that they'd complained about, it was very non-specific (x was rude etc) or went back to minor incidents that had happened several years before! I was extremely upset by this, as to me, it amounted to a form of bullying against my dd. It was at this point, the issue of my dd being 'different' came up. Since then, I have gone back to the school when there have been other incidents that have concerned me and have found them to be helpful in trying to sort things out. Does your son's school have anyone on the staff with a special responsibility for helping children when they are troubled in any way.

I would also add that this age is a common one for bossiness quite regardless of talent.

Ds did have a friend who was/is very gifted and who was also extremely bossy around this age. In fact, his comments about what he could do and ds couldn't do meant that ds spent years thinking there was no point in him ever trying to learn anything "because I'm not very bright". The boy meant no harm, he just had a habit of pointing out what seemed to him self-evident facts ("I can do X, you can't").

The good news is that by Yr 3 he had grown into a lovely friend. He just had to learn a little bit more about what you can and cannot say to people.

i've just been to see the school and they are very supportive and don't seem to think that it is necessarily ours that is in the wrong. we have agreed a plan to get all the kids to think about how they communicate better. It turns out that one parent (who seems to think my son is the cause of all her sons bad behaviour) has told the teacher that other parents 'feel the same' but funnily enough they have not felt the need to raise thier concerns with the school. Not sure if the parent is being malicious or is just sticking her head in the sand as to the real reason for her upset. Anyway, I feel really positive now that we can sort this and that we are doing the right thing by ours - it is sad that adults feel the need to blame an 8yr old instead of lookng at what they can do to help thier own deal with difficult situations.

Now that sounds remarkably like an experience we had: mother of a child (not me) rushing into school to complain about other children's behaviour and teacher having to point out gently that, actually, the boot was on the other foot. Good job that the teacher seems to be on the case; hopefully, it can be sorted tactfully.