7yo inattentive at school - depressed?

[buzzybee]

My 7yo DD is currently trying to get her head around a recent announcement by her father (who currently shares her custody with me 50:50) that he and her stepmother and halfbrother are going to move to the UK next year so she will live full time with me and rarely see him (we live in NZ).
Today I received this email from her teacher:
"I am writing to you because you have asked me to keep you posted on Isobel and how she is coping at school. To be honest, I am a little concerned because she is really finding it hard to focus and is producing very little work. She keeps telling me that she just wants to read and basically that?s all she does at the moment. I gave her a target of writing three sentences about her weekend (which she is more than capable of) and she barely wrote one all morning. This is becoming quite typical of her and I find her just doodling, and making holes in her book with her pencil. I have also noticed that she is quite often walking around in circles talking/ humming to herself?"

My question is how to separate out what could possibly be signs of depression from what may simply be signs of boredom? Any views? She seems pretty much normal when she's at home with me and as you can imagine I've been looking out for signs of stress at home following on from his announcement.

Having said that it is unusual for her to be doing quite so much reading as in the past she's always been keen to get outside and play whereas now I understand she spends most lunch hours inside reading. She is a self-taught reader age 4 but has never been what I'd call a "big" reader up until now.

What can I suggest to the teacher?

I would go in and see the teacher. Explain what is going on in your dd's life, but say you would be interested in hearing whether there might be any other factors.

But first have a think to yourself: what is it that makes you fix on boredom as a possible explanation? Anything your dd has said (if so, might be worth bringing it up)? The fact that the things she does at home are so much more advanced than her schoolwork (again worth mentioning)?

I wouldn't say the fact that she has stopped working at school is necessarily a sign that her problem lies at school: it could simply be that she doesn't want to upset you.

But again, the school situation is worth investigating and if you feel there is a big discrepancy between the work she is given to do at school and the work you know she is capable of, then that would certainly be worth mentioning.

Sorry, to explain a little further. My DD has been assessed and acknowldged by the school to be G&T (>97th%ile). The teacher knows this and also knows a little about the situation with her father. She is inclined to disengage from things she finds tedious or she can't see the point of. I guess I'm just finding it hard to assess what's really going on here at the moment. I'm a little concerned the teacher is not trying very hard to engage her because she knows that DD is under some stress at the moment.

sorry what's %ile when it comes to G&T ?

is this different from ordinary G&T which is just the top 10% of any one school?

I think it might be worth trying to have a word with the teacher: maybe suggest that it might have a positive effect on your dd to have her mind challenged a bit, take her minds off things

Does it mean she is in the top 3%?

No real advice other than with Skype and webcams communication it is easy to stay in touch. Not the same as actually living with her father but better than just a phone call.

Is she in the top 3% of the school or nationally? If it's just the school, then I would have thought whether she is bored or not would depend not on whether she is top of her year, but how big the gap is between her and the rest of them and how big the gap between the work she gets to do and the work she could do. So I would definitely arrange to see the teacher to talk about her work.

G&T in itself means very little: you can be G&T, or even top of the year, in one school and still be fairly ordinary in your capabilities and not very far ahead of the rest- but then again, there are children that are massively gifted, whose brains work in a totally different way from their peers and who really do need support to develop the way they should. So you need to work out your dd's situation.

Think about the kind of work she can do at home; the level she reads at when she gets to choose, the kind of maths problems she is interested in- and then see if you can get enough info on what she does at school to compare.

Boredom and depression are highly correlated. I wouldn't waste time trying to analyse which of your DD's behaviours is due to boredom and which to depression - I would deal with the boredom.

Agree with Anna: but first you need to talk to the teacher to establish if and when your dd is bored (being G&T may give a clue, but that depends on her school situation).

I think there may be a tendency to ascribe any problems with a gifted child to boredom: while it is often a major factor, it's not the only possible one. There are also other causes for depression and anxiety in her life atm, and she may well need support with those.

Hi cory, bonsoir and mollie.
She was assessed by an Educational Psychologist as IQ 130 which puts her in the top 3% nationally. The reason she was assessed is that we were considering sending her to a local schooling option called "One Day School" where G&T kids can go for 1 day per week to get extension.
At the time we decided to leave her 5 days at regular school as she wasn't particularly emotionally mature (this was when she was just 6, she's now 7.5).
You make a good point though cory, she does have a number of stress factors in her life at the moment (well, one huge one really!) so even if the things her teacher have picked up on are "just" signs of boredom then this in itself could aggravate her stress levels if not dealt with.
I have arranged to meet her teacher on Tuesday to discuss and will try and establish whether her teacher thinks there are wider issues than the refusal to write 3 sentences. i.e. is she refusing to engage in most things or just 1 or 2 things? Any suggestions on key questions to ask welcome!

My ds is IQ132 / 98 centile but isn't classed as G&T in the UK.Is there pressure put on her to perform at school?

Just wondering if you have asked your DD about this - can she explain why she doesn't seem to be enjoying school?

I think there is an element of "you're more than capable of this so why won't you just do it and let me focus on other kids" going on. I can see from the teacher's perspective it must be frustrating to have an obviously capable kid not doing so well. I noticed when I was in yesterday that she's now separated DD from the other kids at her own little desk rather than a table of 4. Not sure I'm happy about that - will raise it on Tuesday. I did talk to DD and she just said she couldn't think what to write about. She didn't seem particularly upset about it though.

Why has she separated her? Is she being disruptive or just not concentrating and getting on?

Did she have any social difficulties before this recent traumatic news?

I asked DD and she said it was because she wasn't able to focus when she was sitting with her friends.
She's done pretty well at school up until now. I don't think she's ever pushed herself much - partly because she's quite aware of not being seen as a "smarty-pants". But this is the first time it seems like she's just switching off altogether.
I've never pushed her to perform, just let her get on with it. As I said we did consider One Day School at one point but I didn't discuss it with her as I didn't want her to worry about that possible change until it was definite. Her father's always been very opposed to doing anything which would make her stand out from the crowd.

I would deal with the boredom too. Incidentally I had an IQ of 135 at seven, not sure it means all that much!

FWIW What a tosser her father is.

Posie, the father is a tosser could easily be a whole other thread but won't bore you with it here!

What's one day school? Home Ed?

I would go in and have a very thorough chat with the teacher. If she is only 7yrs old and the parent that she lives with 50% of the time is going to live on the other side of the world I'm not surprised that she is having difficulties at school. I don't think it is anything to do with G&T or boredom, it is more a self worth issue-in her mind, whether conciously or unconsciously she would think -'if he really loved me, he couldn't bear to be parted'. She is probably fine at home because she doesn't want to upset you.
(It is like a bereavement, when the person that I loved died I felt there was no point in anything. He may not be dead but he is lost to her in many ways and even Skype isn't the same as living with him half the week).
Perhaps you could get together with ex to make it easier for her.
I really think that boredom and intelligence are red herrings here.

Thanks so much Pipinjo, that's really helpful. How do you cope? I'd be very keen to hear any tips on how to make it easier. - although I fully expect the answer to be that there isn't anything much.
Piscesmoon, she finally started to let it out at the weekend and we had several periods of intense sadness, crying, lots of questions.
I felt really helpless as what could I say when she asked questions like "why does he have to go?"
I completely agree that she has been bottling things up. She openly admitted she hadn't wanted to say anything to her father. To use her actual words she said "I'm not angry at him, I'm too tender-hearted." (not sure where that vocab came from!)
I don't think she is depressed in the typical sense but she has always displayed a few ADD type characteristics and is certainly even more like that at the moment. She has never been a big eater, and is a tomboy so has never paid much attention to clothes etc, a bit hard to tell. But I do think I would have noticed more signs at home if she was depressed?
I had a meeting scheduled with her teacher today but when I arrived it turned out the teacher was off sick which was very disappointing

Hi thanks PipinJo - can you recommend any relaxation tapes that I could perhaps get through Amazon?
I will have a think about some activities we could do together to "de-stress". I actually think she might quite like a mani-pedi or something like that!
I have re-scheduled the meeting with the teacher for next Tuesday. Its almost the end of the year here in NZ so will be summer hols in 3 weeks. I have asked the teacher already (by email) if they can try and maintain some degree of consistency with her friends in the same class again next year. I've also asked if it might be possible for her to have a male teacher - do you think that's the right thing to ask? She's always been a bit of a daddy's girl and I'm a single mum so no real male role models here (apart from grandad).
I've also reassured her that she will still see his family - her nana, aunt and cousin. Do you think I should contact them now or wait until he's actually moving?
The one great thing is that she has a little sister living with me who really makes us both laugh a lot (different dad, also not in our life much) and I do think that's helping her.
Anything else you can think of that might help very much appreciated!

All extremely good suggestions and I think I will contact his family.
Unfortunately despite my trying almost everything I can think of, he and I are not friends and in fact he is flat out refusing to even meet me to discuss this (scared/embarrassed perhaps I don't know - certainly I'd say cowardly). His attitude to the whole move has IMO been downright appalling - he seems really only concerned for himself. I'm very distrustful that he will make much of an effort to stay in contact once he's over there - but I will make a point of trying to at least call him regularly even if he doesn't call us much.
But that's a whole other story!
Yes her teacher has been very good - I told her some weeks ago and I know she's been keeping an eye on DD.
I think as you say I just have to be prepared for the long haul and try and find new activities or groups that she will enjoy. She does find it quite hard to make new friends, is by nature rather introverted so that might take some time, but I agree would be well worth the effort.

Hi pipinjo, thanks so much for the lovely offer. Its nice just to there are people out there thinking of us! I will talk to my lawyer again about the joint custody thing - you're right I need to know to what extent I'm legally bound to "consult" him when he's not in the country, especially if he's paying maintenance - which I will definitely pursue. The main issue I suspect will be secondary schooling. He is keen for her to go private, where I would be happy with the local state school - but then he would need to put up the money for that so in the end that may not be such a big issue.
She is with him this weekend and I just hope she comes back feeling better rather than more unhappy. I really wish he'd held off telling her until he had a definite date, the uncertainty of it makes it even harder - for me and her.