How can I help dd shine?

[PrettyCandles]

She's a clever girl, but she's completely overshadowed by her extremely bright big brother. Not only does he do everything first because he's 2y older than her, but he does everything 'better', too. She is suffering from classic middle-child syndrome, because she also has a very demanding little brother.

How can I help her? How can I help her bring out her own talents, rather than just follow in her brother's footsteps? For example, ds1 learns violin, so dd is really looking forward to learning violin - but perhaps she would be better off learning a different instrument for the sake of her own individuality? Also so that if she turns out not to be particularly good at it, it won't be just one more thing that ds1 is better at doing than she is.

Please don't turn this into an argument about the G&T label. It's a reality, however you describe it, that some children are unusually bright, and this brings problems of its own.

Differing instruments definatly - mine do this. One the flute, one the clarinet

Flute a good one ( and considered easier than the violin

I have 2 dd's - 4 yrs between. DD2 does rather live in DD1's shadow despite the age gap. So I do know what you mean.

I have also observed a pecieved difference by DD2 which is purely down to the age difference - ie DD2 got frustrated as she pecieved her handmade xmas cards not to be as "good" as DD1's

It's a tough one and I don't have much advice - sorry

An interesting one this one. My parents had this problem with me and my sister when I was growing up. I was the "G&T" one, although my sister was more musical. She did lots of music activities that I wasn't allowed to join in with.

It was great for my DSis to have things that were just hers and that I couldn't do, but my family's experience is probably on the whole more of a "how not to do" example. My parents set us up in competition to each other and compared all the time. My DSis did loads of activities which I was excluded from. I wasn't allowed to learn an instrument for example. And the stupid thing was, as I say, my sister was more musical than me, so I wouldn't have overshadowed her in this arena anyway. Instead, she was stuck with someone who couldn't play duets with her, because I'd been refused any music lessons, which was frustrating for both of us.

I think therefore the most important thing which I'm sure you do already is to ensure your children are seen as individuals, not compared to one another or set up in competition to one another. And don't exclude a child from an activity for the sake of or because of its sibling (so if your DD wants to do violin then let her because it's not her fault her brother also plays IYSWIM But equally if your DD takes up skiing, say, and then her older brother wants to do that too, don't say he can't that's DD's thing)

I would definitely recommend different instruments and concentrate on your dd's talents. I'm sure your ds1 isn't really "better at everything" than she is.

From what you describe it sounds that dd and ds1 are very different from each other. My boys are very close in age, but fortunately quite different in their talents. ds2 is quite talented musically, ds1 isn't. ds1 enjoys fiction and reads prodigiously, ds2 doesn't and prefers non-fiction. ds1 is very good at literacy (because of all the reading I guess), ds2's best subject is Maths. ds2 is very practical and loves taking things apart (and sometimes putting them back together!), ds1 isn't practically minded at all, but is very imaginative and creative. ds2 is better at communicating with peers and teamwork, ds1 is more of a leader (ie bossy).

We value them both, and we value the talents and skills of each of them, and try wherever possible to avoid comparisons. What is the age-gap that you have?

what mrsgboring said. another good reason for not excluding dc2 from the activity dc1 shines at is that these things can change over time. I was the G&T child in my family, long before any official labels, but it's my little brother who's had the academic success in my field. it may sting a bit but that wouldn't be a reason to exclude him from something that he is clearly meant to do

Although dd is very different to ds1, she is desperate to follow in his footsteps. Unfotunately she is n't always genuinely interested in whatever it was he did, so ends up disappointed or frustrated. I suggested a different instrument to her, but she is fixed on learnign violin - like her big brother.

I'd read the book 'The right instrument for your child' with her & let her take the 'instrument suitability' tests in that & also visit a music shop & try out some different instruments. Then, if she's still set on violin you'll have to run with it (or she'll hold it against you for life), but just maybe (hopefully) she'll take a shine to something else (Something completely different like saxophone might be great).

Aside from that all you can really do is make sure she knows you appreciate her for being her & not for any talents that she may or may not have. At least with her being a girl, that distinguishes her from her brothers to a degree - can you do some girly stuff together with her to make her feel special?

I'd read the book 'The right instrument for your child' with her & let her take the 'instrument suitability' tests in that & also visit a music shop & try out some different instruments. Then, if she's still set on violin you'll have to run with it (or she'll hold it against you for life), but just maybe (hopefully) she'll take a shine to something else (Something completely different like saxophone might be great).

Aside from that all you can really do is make sure she knows you appreciate her for being her & not for any talents that she may or may not have. At least with her being a girl, that distinguishes her from her brothers to a degree - can you do some girly stuff together with her to make her feel special?

Thanks for the book suggestion Snorkle, I'll definitely look for it.

I worry about making girly stuff special to her, as I feel it implies that only her big brother does the brainy stuff. That she should be setting her sights lower, on fluff.

We have this a bit with an older DD doing exceptionally well at school, and DS (5 yrs younger) worrying about living up to her reputation.

The best boost for DS was being at a different school (he actually got into the Boys grammar, DD is at Comp) and he learns guitar (DD did violin then flute).

DD played County Badminton, DS swims in a club. He is no-where near County standard but says he really enjoys it - which is all that matters.

As he has got older it is easier to see where he shines, but when he was at primary and the year DD got her GCSE's, he has had the odd wobble.

Just keep making time for 1-1 activities and re-inforcing the positives.