2e / Gifted child with difficulties - your experience?

[MummmyBear]

Hi all,
I’m reaching out to see if there are other parents here with similar experiences—specifically with children who might be considered 2E (twice exceptional), gifted but also facing developmental or neurological challenges.

My son is now 4.5 years old. From around 1.5 to 2 years old, we started noticing signs that concerned us: speech delay, lack of eye contact, intense meltdowns when routines changed or expectations weren’t met. He also began restricting his diet to only “safe foods.”

Physically, he developed early—walked, smiled, and focused well. But the regressions in feeding, communication, and emotional regulation led us to begin ABA, speech, and occupational therapy. We also enrolled him in kindergarten to support social development.

With therapy, he’s made steady progress. He now speaks in short sentences, though his speech can still sound robotic. Eye contact has improved (though he tends to avoid it), and he recently mastered potty training.

Here’s where it gets complex: while he struggles with sensory processing, fine motor skills, and emotional expression, he’s also been identified by his school as gifted. He started fluently reading on his own recently, knows his numbers well, can solve simple equations, and has a strong grasp of the alphabet—well beyond age expectations.

Despite not qualifying for an autism diagnosis, he shows many overlapping traits, and I often feel caught between two worlds: supporting his challenges while nurturing his strengths.

I’d love to hear from anyone with a child who sounds similar—especially those who’ve seen how things develop as their kids grow older. Did things get easier with time and therapy? What helped most in your journey?

Thank you so much for reading—would really appreciate any shared experiences or advice.

what do you mean 'not qualifying'? I'm guessing your'e not in the UK as schools here don't use the 'gifted' label anymore...

If you want to explore a diagnosis, can you go private?

In any case, it sounds like you're supporting him really well already, if he's beginning to manage previously difficult things (like potty training)...?

Please don’t force eye contact, that’s an awful thing to do to someone who finds it uncomfortable, I’m concerned you’re using ABA therapy, this can be very harmful, especially if it is the punitive version where they are effectively taught by aversion. None of his behaviour is wrong it is part of who he is. Melt downs will become less severe in all likelihood but as you’ve said you have likely got a child who is emotionally less developed, so always try and bear in mind that whilst smart and chatty and able to hold conversations like a child several years older they are emotional below age. This one tripped us up even when we were managing everything else. We have done therapy to our 2e son understand their emotions, also they do have an AuDHD diagnosis. Letting them know that their brains are wired differently is really important. There should never be any shame over how they are. We do still expect good behaviour, but we are also very aware of any situation that might push them beyond where they can cope so we aim to avoid triggers. This was very much the case right up to 10/11, his ability to cope with things now he is a teenager have improved massively, but we are still very aware of possible overwhelm and make sure there are either quiet places to go or headphones to use. His emotional age has pretty much caught up, our psych said he could be 16 before things evened out.
My biggest piece of advice would be look after the child in front of you not the one you want him to be, meet him where he is, modify your expectations, smart can mean easily overwhelmed and that’s ok, never punish for not being able to cope. Give him all chances for learning he could want, but it needs to be on his terms where possible, but also allow for him to be obsessed with cuddly toys long after you might expect or be fixated with the feel of a particular fabric or madly obsessed with dictionaries. There are so many variants, learn to go with their flow and life will be less stressful, ignore people who you use phrases likes “by now he should”, there is no “by now” with these kids they get there when they get there, don’t try to rush the process it will damage you all.

@HippyKayYaysorry, I meant ADOS assessment concluded him being on the border, he didn’t get the diagnosis. I not concerned about diagnosis, just but understanding what exactly we are dealing with helps to seek for specific information how to help him. I suppose I would just love to hear the stories of other parents who went through similar experience on how their kids grew up to thrive. It’s been a tough journey and in this very moment I could do with some positive stories

@Pashazadethank you , very good advice 🙏

hi op,
indeed, no diagnosis until 7 and then long awaiting if not through private.
Go take a look at High Learning Potential UK…you can find loads of info there and benefit of a free call.
Good luck 👌

I though ABA was no longer considered an acceptable therapy?

@CurlewKatewe are not in UK, and doing all the intervention privately. It helped immensely. Thanks to ABA he started seeking gf for eye contact and following directions. It could be that it is no longer accepted for giftendness, but other difficulties that we are experiencing are improving with time. So far the biggest change in him happened after we taken away dairy (90%) and gluten (80%) away from his diet. I never believed that it could make a change, but teachers at school and all his therapists started asking what happened, because his language really opened up dramatically within the first 10 days after diet change.

I don't have personal experience of parenting a 2e child, but my son is gifted and I work with children with social communication needs.

My advice would be to focus your energies on the things he finds hard and what support he needs e.g. does he need more support around transitions, does he need strategies to stop him getting overwhelmed in noisy situations, would he benefit from small group structured situations to work social interaction e.g. Lego Therapy or Zones of Regulation?

If he has good learning potential and is curious, he is likely to develop those academic skills with little planned effort. My 6yo DS enjoys doing fractions or working out angles at home for fun and regularly has his head on a book. It has taken him longer to build his confidence interacting with adults (and peers to some degree). He learns plenty at school in terms of history, science etc but the maths and phonics is largely redundant for him even though school have tried to stretch him a bit. However we have taken the view that as long as he is happy then that's fine and some easy work means he has more energy for learning the things more important to him, like navigating friendships in the playground.

I have one with ASD and yours has so many red flags that I'm appalled that a professional has told you they don't meet the requirements for an ASD diagnosis - did he see a paediatrician that specialises in ASD? You really need to see someone who knows what they are talking about, a diagnosis helps you and others to understand him.

It sounds like he has hyperlexia, frequently seen in children with ASD. No one can predict how he will develop, mine is autistic but different, all you can do is encourage and support. ABA therapy can be traumatic for autistic children, please read up and understand your child.

@Tina294We saw a private psychiatrist that works in well renowned Autism centre and the reason why my son wasn’t given a full diagnosis is because he didn’t quite fully fit into all typical criteria’s. To my memory he didn’t show repetitive behaviours present. I am completely fine not having a diagnosis as such, I understand that it’s such a complex thing - neurodivergence. Just happy we have such great support within school and all wonderful therapists ( school built him a development plan working together with all our therapist, just like they would do to someone who does have a diagnosis). And mostly I am grateful to my wonderful DS as he has done hundreds oh hours of therapy in the last 1,5 years with excitement and smile on his face. I absolutely agree on potential trauma, if the child is not willing to attend the therapy, but in our case it might be a little different as DS looks forward to his sessions. Of course, we take breaks when we see that one is due.

@BendingSpoonsthank you 🙏 Exactly, next years plan ( school drives this) to place him into older kids class, as DS on academic level will be equal, they are adding extra support psychologist teacher to the class to help him manage on the transition, emotional expression and social communication. My DS prefers older kids and adults as they are more predictable. We will see how it goes, but absolutely his emotional wellbeing and social integration is they key in the next stage for us.

@MummmyBearPlease look carefully into ABA-there are many downsides.

Potential Plus have evidence based support available for parents of dual or multiple exceptionality (DME) children and young people (high learning potential (HLP) / gifted and neurodivergent).

DME is the expression used in the UK, 2E / twice exceptional is used internationally.

They also have school support, inc acceleration considerations etc.

https://potentialplusuk.org/

The UK has some excellent neuroaffirming practitioners, advocates and researchers that are beginning to change the world for our children; challenging the medical paradigm, ableism and driving for a world where our children can feel safe and thrive being their authentic selves. Some have been involved in raising awareness of the negative implications of ABA and PBS when inappropriately applied to neurodivergent young people.