No longer being special (managing transition to super-selective)

[BigFishSmallFish]

DS (9) recently moved to a super-selective school, and has gone from being a big fish (top in the class/year/several years in a few things, a minor celebrity for one of his hobbies) to being merely average in his new school.

This wasn't unexpected, and it's not unwelcome in itself. He is enjoying the school, and doesn’t seem too fazed by not being at the top.

What worries me is that he is taking his new laid-back attitude as his new personality, in ways that won't serve him long-term.

He was previously very intellectually curious and quite competitive.

Now, in things he's good at, he has eased off because there’s no longer any glory involved. And things which he’s less good at, or which are new, he seems not to want to try too hard either, instead saying it's not his thing, or they aren't important, or he hasn't covered it at his old school. Presumably because he either fears failing or doesn't feel like putting in the work to catch up.

Has anyone had similar experience? Did it correct itself? Does anyone have tips? Thank you!

@BigFishSmallFish He needs to learn to do things well for his own satisfaction. He seems to only do things above and beyond for recognition and praise. Knowing he was top wasn’t helpful either. It’s appears it was all about having top position and getting recognised for it. Now it’s gone and possibly for the good. Just let him enjoy the school and work for his own satisfaction. He will get it!

Could he be feeling a bit stressed by the expectations around him? Can he sense a certain amount of anxious scrutiny from you that might get in the way of his intellectual curiosity?

Perhaps nine years old is quite a good time to be settling into a laidback attitude. It might give him the time and space to rediscover the joy of learning. There will be enough pressure later when he is closer to exams.

Yes, I can see it might well turn out well eventually. I suppose my worry is that it might not, too. He used to find learning a lot of fun, and do a lot of it for himself, but it seems that lots of that fun came from being the best at something, the most knowledgeable, etc. And now he's not those things, he seems to have stopped wanting to learn for himself too. He will work at school, but not at home in the curious, self-directed way he used to.

Yes, it may be that. It's hard to pitch it right, because we always at least tried to remember to praise effort not outcome. But I don't want to falsely praise effort now (becuase he isn't seeming to put in effort now, that's the point), and he doesn't get the outcome-praise either. I can see that must be tough for him.

Maybe I need to spend more time recognising him for all the difficult things he is doing: changing school, starting new subjects, making new friends. Perhaps that will take the pressure off the work side and give him that space again.

Maybe I need to spend more time recognising him for all the difficult things he is doing ……

And just being him: the aspects of him that aren’t about school e.g. funny, kind, can pick up a pencil with his toes.

Have a similar concern- although I have a child who is bright but not gifted- has been selected into an accelerated high school school programme where all the kids are the same- she been used to being able to coast at times and still do well- also interested in strategies because this isn't going to be enough in the new class, with everyone being the same.

Many years ago I found myself in a similar position.

At primary school I was streets ahead of all the other kids largely due to my parents being keen academics and spending a lot of time showing me stuff.

I subsequently gained entry into what was at the time and still is one of the most academically selective private schools in the entire country. It was insane!

I went from being treated almost as a child genius at my primary school to being one of the also rans pretty much overnight. The standard of my classmates was off the scale.

The school regime was pretty brutal from an academic perspective. Many were made to feel they were underperforming and wasting their opportunity there when in fact the exact opposite was true.

I grew to resent the place and the regime and even now several decades later I have few fond memories of my time there.

So going back to your question I think one of the best things I did was to keep friendships going with other local kids who didn’t attend the school. Talking to them about their schooling experiences soon made me appreciate just how far ahead we were even if that’s not the message the school wanted us to believe. I guess it’s like being the worst player in a Premier League football team. You might feel useless but take a step back and consider where you are overall not just within a very narrow group of highly talented individuals. You need to retain some perspective.

He is 9, he has just started a new school, he is finding his place in a new social group.
He may find that not only is he currently not a big fish, but he may also be having to catch up on learning if his old school didn't cover the same material as his new classmates have already covered.
Is he happy, is he making friends?
The rest will follow.

This all sounds a bit too contrived (from the best possible motives of course.) A real danger is that, as an intelligent and perceptive child, he will correctly interpret any structured and explicit praise from you for what it is - a conscious and anxious project.
It is very very difficult, I know (because I wasn't very good at it when my children were young), but there is something to be said for just being a little bit more detached, allowing the space between the two of you to be a little less curated. That may help him to feel that he has a secure place from which to explore things for their own sake, not for external recognition and not to please you.

@BigFishSmallFish There is also something to be said for relaxing and having a bit of fun besides learning. My DDs enjoyed having friends round, doing dance classes, brownies, swimming lessons, ski lessons, music lessons etc in their primary years plus doing not much! Both had a few very bright dc in their classes who went on to Oxbridge and Imperial College and, DD at the prep, had plenty go on to Wycombe Abbey. So yes, some bright dc but everyone I observed did a variety of school work and relaxing with hobbies too. Also doing not much!

The prep school could certainly meet academic needs but interestingly the state primary (no homework!) had 4 in DDs year subsequently with Oxbridge places (including DD) and one was Cambridge for maths. I can tell you that child did have other interests outside school work and maths. So I think having a rounded life, with friends, and doing what’s asked by the school is absolutely fine. As long as he’s happy!

I was in the same position as Relentless JJ above - the brightest at primary school, then grindingly ordinary at a super-selective.

Probably I didn't "reach my potential" at secondary -- I got so-so results. But it didn't matter, because I did really well at Uni thanks to the academic discipline instilled at the super-selective.

It all comes out in the wash. In the end, none of the grades I achieved made much difference to my career, although the good education certainly did.

If school is stretching him now, then he probably does just need the chance to have a rest. TBH, I know how hard my eldest works at school, so outside of school, as long as he's done his prep, I don't worry about what he's spending his time doing - he's out of the house 7:30 to 5:30 6 days a week, that's enough for any kid.

Although actually, the computer games he plays feed back into education (risk type games - his history and geography knowledge is off the charts purely because of these games) - and he plays with friends from other schools, so he's realistic about how well he's doing from that hard work at school just as a previous poster mentioned, which keeps him appreciative and reduces anxiety around comparing himself to others at his school

Just to say thanks all for your very wise advice.