Encouraging a growth mindset

[HanaPales]

I'll start this by saying that I don't think my DD (4) is gifted, especially compared to reading about many of the children on this board! But she is one of those children who's good at everything she does. All her teachers praise her to us every day, because she's a pleasure to have in class - extremely participative, focused and generally a bundle of fun. She's ahead in everything at school and they have described her to us as 'exceptional' more than once. She does 3 different extra curricular activities, is the best in the class in all of them, and gets gushed over by the teachers every time.
I'm really proud of everything she does, and very happy and grateful that I get to parent such a lovely kid.

The reason I'm posting is because I worry that because everything comes easily to her now, and she is getting very used to hearing praise all the time, when things get tougher (as they inevitably will) she will find it very hard to deal with. I admit that this is coloured by my own experience growing up. Being an academic and people-pleasing girl, I developed a very perfectionist and 'fixed' rather than 'growth' mindset throughout childhood. This has made many aspects of adult life difficult and stressful!

I know my girl is very young but I would like to start building the skills for her now to be resilient and confident, with a growth mindset as she grows up.
We try to praise effort rather than achievement, although this feels undermined since she constantly hears things from teachers etc about achievements (today we ran into her school music teacher whom we'd not met before and he told us right away in front of her that she was better than his students who are multiple years older than her). I'd love some more suggestions.
Thanks!

Get her doing something that she likes but isn't the best at. It is really important to learn to fail. Ideally something really difficult that you have to practise frequently in order to progress. Violin worked for us and is an instrument that can be started young, but it could be sports or dance or anything else that she is interested in.

Agreed - we have one like this. Do things you know she'll struggle with. Also push school to push her in an academic setting. You don't say what size school she's in but we talk a lot about "friends children" who do X and Y. Just to demonstrate that just because they are "the best in their class / infants / juniors" in a small school, it doesn't mean they are nationally.

I like our small local school but LORD knows they look inwards rather than outwards.

My DD plays 4 instruments and has standardised scores off the scale. However, she struggles with sport so we signed her up for tennis, hockey etc. She had a good early start, winning trophies etc, but as other kids have got better, she's not done as well.

Also don't be afraid to say to school whilst you are glad they are positive, they need to cool it.

Primary schools are setting our children up for mental health issues I think with all this positivity, never do any wrong etc. Its just not what life is like.

There is also a massive massive jump from Year 2-3 and again 3-4 and 4-5. Lots of the kids getting "exceeding" at our school have now dropped down to "average". It may happen naturally in time.

Ask for standardised scores to gauge just how exceptional your DD is.

Thanks for the messages! I had been thinking about trying to find something that she's not as good at. My question is, how on earth do you find the time?! She already has extra-curriculars 4 times a week, all of which she really enjoys and does well in. It would seem somewhere between silly and cruel to take her out of something she loves and is good at, to put her in something she's not so excited about.

As a pp said, it might well even out when as she grows. I don't think she'll actually be the best in the class when they start doing proper academics - the 'exceptional' comments from the teachers were more related to her emotional intelligence and general attitude towards school, not that she is extremely ahead academically.

I would leave her where she is for now. As you said, 4 is still very young. When you have the chance, talk about others or characters in stories, highlighting how they are different in many ways—like their kindness, sense of humor, and what they are good at. It's also good to discuss their struggles. The key takeaway is that everyone is unique and has their own strengths. No one is expected to excel in everything.

Encourage respect for others based on who they are, not just their achievements.

If your daughter feels proud of her accomplishments, gently acknowledge that it's wonderful and that you are proud of her too. Emphasize that she is loved for who she is, not just for her achievements, and that she can always come to talk to you about anything.

Around 8 or 9 is when their frontal lobe starts developing and probably a good time to do something new and challenging. Get her to go out of her comfort zone, encourage leadership roles in school, learn a new language or a new instrument.

Do some tedious but necessary things with her, unpredictable things, and things that have a delayed benefit.

Stuff like gardening.
Weeding has to be done. Seeds take a while to grow no matter how talented you are.

Like felting, saltdough and bread - things that start well and come out funny looking but you enjoyed doing it anyway.

Get her involved on household chores.

Model failing graciously, playing games that are totally about chance- so people win or lose regardless of how good they are.

Most things in life have to be done with no one noticing or caring how well you do them. Give her some absence of attention for a while as well!

Back in the day, kids just hung out making mud-pies and building bedrooms for snails. There wasn’t a success or failure, good or bad about it.

Team sports. I send DS to rugby (Rugbytots/TryTime at 4, they start “proper” rugby aged 6).

Teaches him that every contribution is helpful (you don’t have to be the try scorer to help your team-mates). Teaches him to accept losing (often - the games are 10 mins long so in one festival they might play 4 mini matches). Teaches him to practice things.

Gymnastics might also help - she won’t be doing layouts on day 1, she’ll have skills to work towards. You may need to make the effort/improvement link explicit - I did gymnastics and I didn’t grasp I was improving my strength until I was capable of a skill, just thought I was doing it again and again until I “got” it, like flipping a coin.

We are not a sporty family, and I loathed PE in school. But non-school clubs are great.

My DD was very similar at that age - she is now 13. We don’t think she’s ‘gifted’ but is simply very bright academically, so all the traditional school-type learning came very easily to her from the start.

I think you can be lucky or otherwise with teachers (both in the classroom and with hobbies) which can make a big difference. For example, DD’s Reception teacher was hugely experienced and tailored questions to challenge DD but without making a big thing of it. She also praised DD’s effort/focus rather than her output. However, in Y1 the teachers couldn’t keep up with her, and in Y2 she was appropriately challenged but her teacher kept commenting in front of the class on how ‘clever’ DD was, which she was embarrassed by. Etc.

Fast forward a few years, and we were fortunate to be within reach of a couple of state grammar schools. Whatever you might think about grammar schools ideologically, DD (just finishing Y8) is benefitting from being in an environment where it’s normal to be bright. DD has high standards and is ambitious for herself, but she not outwardly competitive and she doesn’t really want to stand out among her peers, so it is suiting her very well.

I’m comfortable about DD’s work ethic at the moment. She concentrates in class, always does her homework on time to a decent standard, and she revises for tests, but she is not a perfectionist. She recognises when ‘enough’ is good enough (eg she doesn’t expect to be brilliant at art) yet when she finds something easy and enjoys it she challenges herself (eg writing more complex sentence structures in French, composing poems about one subject in two different styles in English.)

Another thing to add - DD is not sporty, and we have tried to engage her with various sports, but she really didn’t enjoy any of it. We weren’t prepared to force her to continue just because it would be ‘good for her’. Instead, we found something else that rewarded effort and didn’t rely on pure talent. DD doesn’t ooze natural musical ability either, but she was happy to have piano lessons and she learned the discipline of practising several times per week. DD is now learning a second instrument and participating in ensembles and loving it. Even the most talented musicians (and athletes) need to practise!

We focus on sports and mental wellbeing as much as we focus on academics with DS - have to as he has ADHD and if we didn’t he’d literally zoom up and down the stairs until he collapsed.

Everyday he must have a physical activity and it’s structured into the diary - eg swimming several times a week, playground at most days, bike riding, scooting, softplay at least weekly.

For mental wellbeing we cook together, bake, I read stories, and we have ‘cuddle time’ — where he climbs onto my lap and tells me everything that he’s not happy about that day lol. I then encourage him to explore ways he can improve things. I also, and have always, encouraged him to argue. Not always in an aggressive way but he knows how to ask for what he needs.