Gifted teen- peer problems

[Mollymusic]

Hello all
my first post and came here looking for guidance and some reassurance if possible.
we have had a rough end of term with my daughter who is 15. She was quite cruelly excluded on a weekend camping trip by a group of her long-standing friends. She took it very hard indeed. She is increasingly out of step with her peers. She is likely gifted (we haven’t tested her) but is forcast all 9s in her GCSEs and does this fairly easily on top of a myriad of other clubs and activities. It’s at a stage I think where she is finding it harder to fit in. She is busy during term time due to all her interests but the holiday has proved hard. We do all we can to support her. She is lively and exhuberant and I think this enthusiasm sometimes annoys others. I don’t want to dent her self esteem or change her to fit in but I’m struggling to know how things will go when she goes back to school in a few weeks. Any thoughts, advice or perspectives are appreciative as it’s hard to talk to mum friends locally as everyone knows every one! Thank you

You say she is busy term time. Does she still see her friends during term time in the evenings and weekends to maintain the friendships? As she can't expect her friends to only be there during the holidays

Giftedness and neurodivergence go hand in hand. I know some parents love to say that giftedness is so often mistaken for autism and/or gifted kids struggle with friendships because they’re so intellectually superior to their peers, but personally I don’t buy it. A child can be both autistic and gifted aka twice exceptional. My local girl’s grammar has absolutely tons of autistic kids - the majority without a diagnosis.

It’s worth considering whether there’s autism at play. You say your DD is lively and exuberant which her friends maybe find a bit jarring? You could reframe that as she’s struggling socially, because she is prone to making social mistakes and lacks the awareness to see that being a bit too loud and lively is no longer the done thing.

I agree that it’s not a case of your DD having to change who she is or be made to feel like the weird kid. That’s where a diagnosis - if appropriate - would come in: the realisation that you aren’t a weird or flawed neurotypical teen but a normal neurodivergent teen.

Thanks for your reply.

Yes we have considered ASD mainly due to our own prof backgrounds but as there are no sensory issues, no issues with change or transitions, plenty of cognitive flexibility and a lot of care and compassion for others and ability to perspective take. I don’t think we would get through the screening stage tbh. Thanks for taking the time to reply though and share your views 😀

I read a quote from Dr Luke Beardon recently (autism lecturer and researcher) where he said - and I have to paraphrase here - that it can be very easy for parents to dismiss the possibility of autism because they simply don’t have more than a surface level or stereotypical understanding of the subtle ways in which it can present.

I mean I would say I don’t have sensory issues… until I remember that I dislike eating almost all fruit and I have sensitive eyes that require sunglasses to drive all year round.

Equally I’d be tempted to say my daughter is flexible and OK with transitions… until I remember that getting her to stop what she’s doing and have a shower can take over an hour every night, and the time she has an almighty meltdown one weekend when I was too ill to take her to her swimming lesson so her dad had to do it instead.

As for care and compassion for others - autistic people can have that!

This isn’t me trying to convince you to change your mind btw. Just to say that the majority of us know very little about autism, especially in girls, and it’s also natural to look for all the ways in which it doesn’t fit because, ultimately, no one wants something to be “wrong” with our children.

Is it possible that they simply don't consider her to be part of the friendship group if she is busy with clubs and activities during term time ? At secondary schools friendship groups change almost more than at primary as they mature and interests change.

Agree with this. She wasn't "cruelly excluded", she simply isn't really part of the group.

Autistic girls present differently to boys.

They mask very effectively and ‘learn the rules’ socially. It presents in other ways - it is only recently that major research has been done on girls.

Much less likely to be referred - level 9, no detentions, clubs, excellent behaviour etc at school. Than boys.

complete a checklist for girls - mine did and scored off the chart.

Diagnosed at 15. Would you know if you met her - probably not as she forces eye contact etc would you if you spent a weekend with us? Oh yes.

OP I think having your dd assessed would be helpful. Have a look at Potential Plus, (potential plus.org). They have various activity things where children with high learning potential can get together, they also do assessments, it really might be worth paying for that so that you know what you are dealing with. I have an older teenager, now at Uni, (she is not autistic , neuro typical) who they were particularly helpful with when she was unhappy at school.

If she only socialises during the holidays then it will be a problem socially unless she knows someone else who has a similar routine to her. My dd went to her dad's every other weekend and worried about that affecting her relationships because she was unavailable 50% of weekends.

If dd likes her life of being busy during term time then keeping her busy during the holidays is the only way forward really. Once she's 16 she will be able to have a part-time job which will take up some time during school holidays. You could enroll her in camps etc

She is developing her own distict interests.
Your daughter will soon make friends who adore the same creative pastimes.
Childhood friends change - besties are always fond memories and forever respectful but new besties come along.
That is life.
Your daughter will possibly make her closest friends at university.

What does 'cruelly excluded' mean? Did they directly tell her they didn't want her there? If not, then maybe they happened to plan it while your dd wasn't there, or a parent organised it and wasn't aware that your dd is also part of the group, or they had a limit as how many would fit into a tent or car. I don't know the circumstances, but your response sounds a bit OTT. Just tell your dd to organise something with and for her friends herself. On average, you get as much out of friendships as you invest in them, and you made your dd sound as if 'hanging with the girls' is not her first priority, as she is busy with loads of other stuff.

This.

You've said yourself she is increasingly out of step with her peers - which sounds like people she was friendly with, at a younger age, have grown apart from her. It is perfectly normal at secondary school that friendships groups change / people drift apart / new groups form.

If she isn't part of a close friendship group, then she isn't "being cruelly excluded" at all, she just wasn't invited. It is very different.

and does this fairly easily on top of a myriad of other clubs and activities. It’s at a stage I think where she is finding it harder to fit in. She is busy during term time due to all her interests

So, she isn't seeing the school friends, and being part of their social life.
See, therefore, point above.

No-one can expect people to be too busy to see them and spend time with them for weeks on end, but then be invited to go away with them.

Like other have said in what way was it 'cruel'? Did they lie about it? Or is it that they are not as invested in the friendship as she is? How much contact outside of school does she actually have with the group- as you say yourself that sue is very busy in term time. Obviously don't know how busy they are, but maybe they are at the stage that they and she no longer have much in common except a passing school time friendship?

Just to say that being flexible doesn't rule out ASD- DD1 has a diagnosis but is highly flexible and fine with transitions. She has some mild sensory issues but not so you would immediately notice.

I'm not suggesting you go hunting for a diagnosis, but don't rule it out on those grounds.