Ds does not want to be seen as a 'neak'

[MerryMarigold]

Not sure how to help him. (Neak is the new word for 'nerd', 'square', 'bod').

He's 13. He recently got a Gold in some Maths competition thing (top 3% in country according to Maths teacher). He refused to let his name be read out in assembly or go up to get prize. He's super confident but wants to be cool. If it was a prize for football he'd be up there in a flash to receive certificate. His twin sister got a bronze and was very proud to receive her certificate in assembly. She works hard and values academic achievement.

I'm not sure whether to just ignore it, let him grow out of it or how to address it. We had a brief chat and he didn't want to talk about it (teen!). I'm just worried that the obsession with 'coolness' will overwhelm the natural talent? Has anyone had this with their kids and how did you handle it?

It’s his choice to not have his name read out. As long as he keeps doing his best work and doesn’t deliberately underperform let him be.

Let him get on with it. Put the certificate away for when he wants to see it again.

I think boys at this age would rather fit in than stand out, but what an achievement, you both should be very proud.

The important thing isn't whether he wants recognition for his hard work but whether he keeps working hard. If he doesn't want to be applauded but will happily achieve quietly, great.

I think that's the issue. He is talented but doesn't work hard. He did particularly will in this because it wasn't something you could revise for, it was just sprung on them. But usually others would do better because they actually put work in. He just doesn't value academic achievement. I suppose I'm asking if he'll grow out of it and it's awkward years but it's been going on since he was about 11.

I think that's the issue. He is talented but doesn't work hard. He did particularly will in this because it wasn't something you could revise for, it was just sprung on them. But usually others would do better because they actually put work in. He just doesn't value academic achievement. I suppose I'm asking if he'll grow out of it and it's awkward years but it's been going on since he was about 11.

What do you think he needs help with?

I think if you want him to be proud rather than embarrassed you should at least understand what he's done well in. Presumably it's the UK Maths Challenge, not 'some maths competition thing'.

Do you mean he doesn’t do as well in other assessments? Eg his school reports and tests

I always asked for no publicity/assembly awards for my kids, in order to let them work out for themselves whether they want recognition. I have spoken to them about it all the way through, as obviously it is their choice really, and they told me they preferred to be a bit anonymous at school. I had one (older now) who was top of lots of things, they said they found it embarrassing enough without getting names read out.

I think schools can be overwhelming in their desire to recognise kids, not everyone enjoys it.

So I think what he is doing is fine - try to support him in flying under the radar. Better he does well in tests and you help him keep it quiet, than he stops wanting to do well in tests IYSWIM.

I think you know full well what this "some competition thing" is, op
<amused>

I would suggest you embrace the fact he has a variety of values, it will lead to a balanced person. He obviously engages with academic and sport challenges so hopefully will lead to a less stressed student. Teen years bring natural rebellion behavior if it stays in this realm I would be happy 😊

’He just doesn't value academic achievement’

It’s easy not to value something when it comes so easily. If you know you can get the marks without putting in the effort it probably doesn’t feel like an achievement’.

I ‘d try focusing on praising the effort he puts into things rather than the achievement - that trying his best is the thing that you are proud of him for. It’s particularly important when it comes to things he might find difficult or that don’t come as naturally to him. It’s the effort he puts into things that will mean he can be happy with his achievements, whether that’s getting a C on an art project or scoring in the top 1% nationwide in maths.

I ‘d try focusing on praising the effort he puts into things rather than the achievement - that trying his best is the thing that you are proud of him for. I agree with @Ncwinc above

Yes, thanks. I do need to do this more. He's very good at lots of stuff but certain things he thinks are cooler, such as football or making videos.

DD's school doesn't give out the maths challenge certificates in assemblies, and possibly because they're worried about embarrassing kids like your son, but that risks perpetuating the problem. When I was running the challenges, I compromised by asking the head to come into the top set maths lessons to present the certificates - it meant they got that bit of recognition from the head, but the audience was more receptive.

It's interesting that you say he's confident. A desire to hide certain aspects of himself in order to look cool doesn't sound particularly confident. Might be something to work on?

Yes @Mumwantingtogetitright was wondering about that. I guess teens are all a bit insecure? I don't know the difference between arrogant and confident. By confident I mean he'd happily speak up to teachers/ adults, take on different challenges, thinks he can do anything etc. DD is far less secure in her abilities but more comfortable maybe.

I think people can be confident in different ways. It sounds like your ds is confident in his own abilities but not to much with regard to how other people see him? So he perhaps feels that he has to conceal certain aspects of who he is because he isn't sure that they will be acceptable to his peers?

Your dd may have a different type of confidence - perhaps she is socially more confident but less sure of her own abilities?

I think you're right that all teens (perhaps all people of any age?!) probably have some insecurities of some sort, but for some, those insecurities can get in their way more than others. Worrying about what other people think of you can be particularly crippling, I think, because it can stop you from using so many of your other strengths. I'm not quite sure how you would go about tackling this, but I do think it might be a significant part of the problem!

As for the difference between arrogance and confidence, I don't know... for me, confidence is about being happy with yourself and comfortable with who you are, whereas arrogance is about thinking that you're better than everyone else.

Truly confident people don't feel the need to compare themselves to other people. They know it doesn't matter if they're better or worse at stuff than others, because that other people aren't their main reference point. And they're not too bothered about how others perceive them because they have their own standards that matter more than other people's judgements.

I think arrogant people are often obsessed with comparing themselves to other people, and their arrogance may often mask some deep insecurities, because they only feel like they're "good enough" because they have persuaded themselves that they're better than everyone else.

That's my take on it, anyway!

Thanks. That's really helpful to me. I appreciate you sharing those thoughts. I had a chat to DD today and she thinks it's because his friends are not clever so he doesn't want to be different. And she said the other 'gold' certificates were definitely 'neaks'. I remember it being like this at school too 😥.